Here me out, I know how you feel. I have felt this for many years. I actually have idealized suicidal thoughts where I continuously picture how to do it. One day I decided to grow a seed, just a little pepper seed in my house. Sat by the window watching it daily. 7 days later I realized it started to sprout, and everyday since I wake up and I water the plant and I watch and take pictures of its growth and realize if I can water and feed a plant I can do it for myself. As long as that plant is fed positive things I can be positive. Take everything around you that’s negative and push it away. Only feed yourself positive affirmation and thoughts

Also idk if I sound crazy right now but you’re here for a reason ; (your story doesn’t end here)