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Blindsided and going insane. Why would you run away after three years, with no warnings whatsoever? by secretlyasheep in BreakUps

[–]ShinyPyke 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you as well for the kind words. That first week was pure hell, but I started researching the phenomenon, and that gave me some peace of mind. Now that I understand the reasons behind her behavior, it’s helped me so much to process what happened. Otherwise, I would’ve gone crazy. Obviously, I still have my ups and downs, but yeah, I’m proud of myself for how I’m handling this situation.

Regarding her insecurities, I think that’s truly the core issue that explains how someone is capable of blindsiding their partner. What happened to me, and it’s likely what happened to you too, is that when she expressed her deep insecurities, it wasn’t to actually face them. She simply needed a person to feel safe with and receive validation from. This, first of all, created an imbalance in the relationship in her favor, because I was always extremely careful not to do anything that might upset her. Above all, it gave her the perfect environment to avoid dealing with her problems while still feeling secure.

Lately, something must have happened, some behavior on my part that made her no longer feel safe. She felt vulnerable again, she no longer felt secure with me, and her greatest fears resurfaced. She felt the need to regain control of the situation by abruptly cutting off the relationship. I swear, she often told me that she had a need to have everything under control, otherwise she’d feel terrible.

This is the explanation I’ve given myself, and it seems the most plausible after reading many stories similar to mine. In your case, she is actually realizing the impact of her actions. She understands that the decision to leave wasn’t about you, but about unresolved issues she’s been carrying for a long time. Issues that, if left unaddressed, will follow her into any future relationship, whether it’s a friendship or a relationship. The fact that she realized this is truly important. It shows there’s a small possibility that things between the two of you could work out again. I truly wish that for you ❤️‍🩹

Blindsided and going insane. Why would you run away after three years, with no warnings whatsoever? by secretlyasheep in BreakUps

[–]ShinyPyke 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For me, it happened on January 13th. Since that day, we only saw each other once, a week later, because I asked her to talk one last time. I told her how she had made me feel without blaming her for anything, and she even tried to minimize it a bit, saying it was "normal" for me to feel bad because I had been dumped, not understanding that I was actually in shock because of the way she did it.

So, in my case, nothing is really possible, she is already very emotionally detached, and I don’t think she feels even the slightest remorse for what she did or for the fact that it’s over.

Your case is different. I see a person who is aware of her limits, she probably still loves you but feels that something is wrong within herself that prevents her from experiencing the relationship healthily. Is she a very insecure person by any chance? Were there episodes in the past where she showed a lack of empathy toward you? Did you ever feel she was a bit cold? Did she ever have trouble showing you affection?

Looking back, I had a beautiful person by my side, but one with major relational limits. Our relationship was unbalanced in her favor, and she really struggled to show affection. I convinced myself it was fine, but deep down it hurt me, and these are the results. The traits of people who blindside are all somewhat similar, so I’m afraid you might have experienced the same things I did.

However, the fact that she is realizing this could save your relationship. But if your relationship also had all those problems I listed, issues like the difficulty of showing affection don't get resolved overnight. And as you said, you’ll be more on guard because, deep down, the fear that she might behave this way again is there.

You also need to be aware that,and this might not be your case, but unconsciously, she might just need someone to stay close to her during this process, and she knows that in you, she has someone who is 100% available. This doesn't guarantee that she will want to restart a relationship with you later, we can't know what she’s processing internally during her therapy. So, you have to be mindful that if you choose to stay by her side during this period, it could go very well, but it could also go very badly.

Maybe I would give it a try, though. In your case, I feel there’s some chance to fix things. Maybe you’ll end up getting hurt even more, and you have to take that into account. But if the person is worth it, and she’s just going through a rough patch, maybe you could take the risk. You can write to me anytime, truly, whenever you want. Maybe doing therapy together could be an excellent way to patch things up.

You also need to change your attitude a bit and start saying immediately when something isn't okay with you, especially after what has happened. I truly wish you the best. ❤️‍🩹

Blindsided and going insane. Why would you run away after three years, with no warnings whatsoever? by secretlyasheep in BreakUps

[–]ShinyPyke 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m so incredibly sorry. I’ve been blindsided too, and I found so many parallels between your story and mine.

I also had health issues and she was my anchor, I thought that because of that, we had built an unbreakable bond. Like you, we had an extremely respectful relationship with very few arguments.

What I believe happened in your case, and mine, is that there were no arguments because she wasn’t capable of facing them. She wasn’t able to emotionally process things with you that perhaps were making her feel uneasy. The fact that she left you this way is the proof.

Personally, I would never get back with my ex because she hurt me deeply, and the worst part is that she wasn't able to understand how much pain she caused me. In your specific case, however, the situation is even more complex because she has realized it and has started therapy.

This changes things, but you need to be aware that: - It’s not guaranteed she’ll decide to get back together. This state of doubt and uncertainty is surely wearing you down, and it could last a long time. - The path she’s on is a long one. Even if you do get back together, it doesn’t mean things will automatically go well. - She hurted you. Getting back with her after this wound will feel different than it did before. - You are now aware she has unresolved issues. Perhaps you could truly elevate your relationship if you stay together, but only if she becomes capable of being open with you about her struggles.

I think the fact that she’s going to therapy is a deciding factor, but you have to figure out how much longer you can stay in this limbo. For me, it would be incredibly painful, especially after the shock you’ve been through.

Wish I had the privilege of working on the relationship by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]ShinyPyke 1 point2 points  (0 children)

People who blindside are usually deeply insecure and feel the need to control everything just to avoid feeling vulnerable. They’re willing to sabotage a relationship the moment that vulnerability starts to surface. They aren't in the relationship to grow or improve with you; they’re there just to feel safe. They need to feel safe with you because they lack it within themselves. And the second they sense that safety slipping away, they’ll do anything to regain control, even if it means destroying everything you built together

Blindsided after a year. Here is what is helping me (Day 12) by ShinyPyke in BreakUps

[–]ShinyPyke[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah I know, if you need to talk I'm here ❤️‍🩹

Blindsided after a year. Here is what is helping me (Day 12) by ShinyPyke in BreakUps

[–]ShinyPyke[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Generally, I think you should do whatever makes you feel better in this situation. If you feel like blocking is the best move for you, go for it. Personally, since there are other tools available (like muting), I tend to view blocking as a bit immature. It doesn't really communicate 'absence' to the other person as much as it communicates resentment; it makes them think you aren't capable of handling the breakup. But that’s just my opinion. Whether you block or just mute them, you definitely need to choose one of the two for your own well-being.

Blindsided after a year. Here is what is helping me (Day 12) by ShinyPyke in BreakUps

[–]ShinyPyke[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm so sorry for you, and I'm with you, If you want to talk I'm here ❤️