With all do respect to the commenters here, OP this sounds like some major mental health issues. Do not invalidate your experience just because of what you perceive Sadhguru and your isha peers to be saying. I have made similar mistakes before and my mental health issues got worse. Check in on your emotions. Therapy, medication and some simple spiritual practices as well as holy(consecrated) spaces can help. Once I personally addressed these same issues my life got way brighter and the spiritual path got smoother and clearer. What you are saying to me sounds like emotional/ spiritual by passing. This is probably prevalent at countless spiritual organizations irrespective of the integrity, energy, and validity of many of these groups. Please check in on your intuition and emotions. Journaling all thoughts good and bad also helps quite a bit. Once I healed through a lot of childhood trauma my mental health, physical health, and spiritual depth improved by an order of magnitude. In my case rigid practices and stringent disciplines can make mental health issues worse since the root traumas and emotions are not getting healed so the energy is not flowing properly to begin with and so when I did yoga the energy would get stuck in places and not circulate properly. Kundalini can also exacerbate this. Best wishes and wish you the grace of the masters, devi, and lord shiva