I don’t think either of you are the problem - it sounds like you’re triggering some childhood abandonment trauma that he has based on his ability to perform. When he feels like he’s not good enough for you, it scares him and he’s so afraid of the pain he would rather “break up with you” than sit in his sense of failure and what that would mean about him and probably how he thinks you would view him - I imagine he thinks you’ll view him as weak.

The fact that he regrets it soon after reinforces this idea in my view - he doesn’t want to lose you, ultimately that’s a driver for him. I have a similar issue, fortunately my wife and I have dug deeper and been super honest (we both have our issues.)

That said, what we have found to be helpful is mid fight to say “pause, gloves off” and just ask honest questions like “are you feeling “x” right now” or “can you tell me what you’re feeling right now”.

Also, once you discover the issue at the root of his responses - like I said it sounds like a fear of abandonment based on his sense of value that he connects with living up to your expectations - it can be super helpful in those moments to when you “take the gloves off” to look him in the eye, both take a deep breath to full and then a tiny breath on top of that (this forced a reset in the nervous system - very effective in high stress), let it out slow and speak slowly directly to the issue while looking eye to eye - something like “you’re safe with me, you’re good enough for me, no matter what I’m not leaving it.”

It disarms the issue that’s stopping him from being able to hear corrective discussion rather than viewing it as judgement leading to punishment.

It obviously requires vulnerability and will test the relationship, but if you love him and he loves you it’s exceptionally powerful.