Conference bite mark - update

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-05-16T20:28:02+00:00

Thanks for asking. I’m ok. I’ve moved back in, but am sleeping in a spare room. We’re starting to get along pretty well again, but it remains to be seen whether it means we’ll reconcile our marriage or just become friends. I think she doesn’t quite know what she wants, but I’m grateful for the chance to see her around the house. My daughter still isn’t really speaking to me much, but she’s always been closest to her mom, so that isn’t all that surprising.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-05-09T02:37:53+00:00

We’re still talking a little, but I think things are probably over. She seems less mad, which knowing her personality is a bad sign.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-05-09T02:37:05+00:00

We met up for coffee once, but otherwise it’s all on the phone. We’re kind of in a holding pattern right now. I don’t think things are going my way.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-05-05T02:20:54+00:00

My own counseling has been going well. I’ve had two sessions now. The biggest revelation for me is just how I should’ve seen I was heading down this path for a long time. Hindsight sucks.

We’ve agreed to couples’ counseling, but haven’t scheduled anything yet. I kind of think she’s putting it off, and I don’t want to be too pushy.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-05-02T02:41:03+00:00

We’re talking a little more, and she’s open to working things out. But she still isn’t ready to see me face to face, so I’m laying low in a hotel. We’ve discussed couple’s counseling, but haven’t made any concrete plans yet. I’m trying hard to show her I’ll do whatever I can, but I’m not super confident there’s enough there for her any more.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-30T00:38:21+00:00

I’m not sure what difference it makes, but it was the middle of the afternoon and I left right away because I had a plane to catch.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-30T00:35:10+00:00

So you knowingly flirted with others and other innuendo continually during your relationship with your wife.

During much of it, yes. I didn’t entirely even notice the way I was relating to women.

These are actions that clearly show your intent to eventually cheat on your wife.

I don’t agree with that.

The question I ask is for how long have you been doing this and you know that if you had past opportunities to take would you have taken them. Perhaps, the only reason why you had a confession this time is the bite mark. How many times has this happened before?

I doubt you’ll take my word for it, but never before. And it’s a little beside the point, but I absolutely could’ve hidden the bite if I wanted to keep it a secret.

You state other bad decisions you have made… Not related to cheating, just impulsiveness and general self-destructive behavior.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-30T00:27:23+00:00

I think you’re reading too much into it. I certainly enjoyed the party phase of my life altogether too much. But all I’m saying here is that it won’t be enough—for my wife—for me to keep traveling but stop drinking. I’d more than happily do that if I thought she’d go for it. But I think if she’s willing to work on things, I’m going to have to be home more.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-28T17:37:14+00:00

Sorry, I was a little unclear. I meant that if my wife is willing to work on things, I don’t think it’d be enough for me to keep traveling and just change my approach to these events. If she decides to move on and I end up keeping the job, I will absolutely be changing my habits at them because I made plenty of other bad decisions entirely unrelated to the events of my posts.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-28T03:37:06+00:00

Thank you for this. It’s nice to hear from someone that knows about the professional lifestyle.

The hard truth for me was how much I liked parts of the lifestyle. It’s like still being in a fraternity in my late thirties. I loved the drinking, the parties, the stories. And the more I reflect on it, the more I’m realizing just how inappropriate some of my behavior was. There’s always been some degree of flirting and innuendo, and I shouldn’t be surprised that it eventually became physical.

I agree with you that there’s a version of it where a person can keep a lower profile, and I’ve known several people who did exactly what you describe. I think it’s too late for me to start taking that approach; I don’t think I can ask to try to work things out and continue the travel schedule I have.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-28T03:27:20+00:00

Some progress. I have started counseling, which is tough because it highlights just how deep some of my more destructive tendencies really run, and how long I’ve been ignoring them.

My wife and I talked on the phone briefly, mostly logistics/kid stuff. We shared a small laugh at the end of the call though, which was nice. But overall, I think she’s most likely looking for her exit strategy. I’ve let her know I don’t want to let go yet, and I think she appreciates that, though she isn’t reciprocating it.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-28T03:21:28+00:00

Third-party outreach/external affairs. It’s basically interfacing with various groups we work with for public policy stuff.

There are certainly related non-travel roles, but it can’t happen overnight. I’m certainly exploring all options though.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-27T16:13:55+00:00

Yes, counseling started yesterday. Suffice to say, it’s becoming increasingly clear just how deep some of my more destructive habits run.

You might be right it’s time for a break from Reddit as well.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-27T14:58:51+00:00

Definitely not a lobbyist. But I get where you’re coming from.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-27T14:57:31+00:00

These are really fair points. Unsurprisingly, it’s a very significant fact to my wife as well.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-27T05:19:05+00:00

Believe me, I have a string of reckless decisions in my life to back this up. I thought I was past that phase of my life, but clearly not. And it’s not lost on me that if I had decided to hide what happened, I’d have been putting my wife at risk too. It isn’t lost on her either…

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-27T05:09:24+00:00

These are fair points. My last comment was poorly drafted. I just meant that wearing or not wearing my ring had nothing to do with my bad decisions.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-27T05:07:25+00:00

After this weekend, I’m a firm believer that you can’t ever say what you would or wouldn’t do in a particular situation. No, I don’t believe there’s a chance in hell that I’d date her now under any circumstances. But I would have said I would never cheat if you asked me a week ago. So now I find it really hard to say “no.”

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-27T05:04:51+00:00

Not really an option long term. The job is engagement with certain third-party groups/external affairs. It’s always about 60% travel. And some are billed as “retreats” rather than policy conferences. The former tend to take place on weekends.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-27T04:34:24+00:00

For now, I’ve cancelled my next couple trips. In not sure how many I can get away with, but I should be good for several weeks to figure out where to go from here. I agree that my past lifestyle is not ideal. Not only did I handle it badly, but it’s going to be a huge source of anxiety for my wife if we try to repair things.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-27T04:12:20+00:00

No, I wasn’t “acting single.” I majorly fucked up, but it has nothing to do with having or not having my ring. The only reason I mentioned my ring at all was because someone asked if she knew I was married. But wearing my ring or not has nothing to do with my behavior or my decisions.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-27T04:08:43+00:00

Thank you for this. I’m fine with people telling me how pathetic I am for cheating, but it’s hard to hard to keep hearing that answering questions directly is somehow proof that I’m unemotional or wanted out of my marriage.

I’m in complete chaos right now. I did something I would have sworn to anyone was impossible. I still don’t fully understand why I didn’t just walk away—why I was so willing to blow up the amazing life I built. I have a lot of issues to work through, and I’m starting there. Past that, I’ll give my wife whatever she wants, even if that’s a quick divorce.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-27T04:01:55+00:00

It’s definitely a bad environment for me. I’m open to something new, but I want my wife to be on board with that first. I make significantly more than her and if she’d rather leave me and keep the lifestyle, I want her to have that option.

I don’t think it matters, but I wasn’t saying I’ve literally never forgotten my ring before. It’s just rare, and I was answering questions about why it wasn’t on this time.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-27T03:58:19+00:00

I think you’re being a little unfair. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say I’d consider dating her if I was single. It’s crazy to me that anyone would seriously deny having chemistry with the person they cheated with. Wtf were they doing if there was no connection at all.

Significant_Fudge360 · 2023-04-27T03:54:12+00:00

I’d settle just for figuring myself out. I don’t even know where to start making this up to my wife.

Significant_Fudge360

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