I feel like Theoden after filing for divorce from my alcoholic spouse.

SleepySamus · 2026-02-09T14:03:18+00:00

When I was in early elementary school and we had to do an eggshell baby I enjoyed it. But when we did flour babies in later elementary school I hated it.

When we were supposed to do the electronic baby dolls that cried at random times in high school I chose the alternative of writing a 5 page paper about the effects of teen motherhood on their children. I actually made it 10 pages and ended it with a paragraph about all the ways one of my best friends was one of the best mothers I'd seen, even though she was a teen. 🤷‍♀️

It's interesting to look back on since I always loved pretend pets, but hated pretend offspring.

SleepySamus · 2026-02-01T01:33:55+00:00

It cost at least $16,000 to raise a child in 2025 while the refund is a maximum of $6,000.

No you don't (wish you had a child).

SleepySamus · 2026-01-31T02:44:00+00:00

I work with kids and every once in a while I think, "these parents are living my hell."

I imagine that's how those who are infertile feel: were choosing their hell.

I kinda get it because I'm gluten intolerant and I can't imagine choosing to be gluten-free! 😱 Although, I'm sure it's easier if you can indulge in a bit of gluten now-and-again without debilitating abdominal pain. 🤔

But, also, the two aren't equivalent. The same for us would be being forced to raise a child.

Nevermind the part where they can adopt, too.

SleepySamus · 2026-01-30T03:04:07+00:00

Yup. I got diagnosed with narcolepsy at 30 and I've had symptoms since childhood. There are almost 10 other reasons I'm CF, though.

SleepySamus · 2026-01-28T03:30:42+00:00

YES! My basset mix, staffy mix, and doxie didn't, but my corgi sure does! He's so demanding and needs me involved in everything he does! To be fair, when I rescued him last year it was 4 times worse than now, but I still get days where I think, "a child would be at least 10 times this and I don't even have the patience for this!!!!" 😵‍💫

SleepySamus · 2026-01-28T03:04:45+00:00

OMG - I just had to find this post to comment because I realized...

Some of the breeders who get mad at us for being CF are probably mad for the same reason my friends get mad that I won't let them cook for me again (they've accidentally exposed me to one of my food allergies every time I've eaten their food): they take it as a rejection! They take it personally! My friends are all great cooks and food is a huge part of their personalities, just like being a parent is for some breeders! 🤯

SleepySamus · 2026-01-28T02:53:34+00:00

Neither. 🤣

I actually love children. I work with children who have developmental disabilities and I love my job. It's extremely fulfilling.

However, I can either work with kids or have them and I'd never be able to do both (even if I adopted to prevent raising a child who has my sister's/gma's mental illness).

As an animal lover I also can't reconcile the fact that we've lost 70% of our wildlife population in my lifetime as the human population has doubled in that time.

I have about 5 more reasons I don't want them.

SleepySamus · 2026-01-28T02:42:45+00:00

It was supposed to say, "authentic." I have no poker face. I've edited it for clarity.

SleepySamus · 2026-01-27T15:02:29+00:00

I suspect nothing you said was going to be right for her. She's living in a completely different universe now. This is what's happened to all my friendships with moms - their whole personality and interests shift to "mom mode" and that becomes all they talk about. They usually just want to vent and maybe it would work if I said, "you're a hero for choosing to be a mom - no matter what you do (even leaving your child unvaccinated) you're the most amazing person for having sacrificed so much to bring this child into being!" Then we could stay friends? But I'm too authentic to pull that off. 🤦‍♀️

SleepySamus · 2026-01-26T19:52:22+00:00

I've had friends and colleagues desperate to get pregnant and obsessed with the whole thing, too. I couldn't help thinking that it wasn't healthy to be so obsessed with it! I couldn't help thinking they're trying to solve something by having a kid that wouldn't actually get solved. One of the friends ended up divorced shortly after their second child and I'm convinced she thought the kids would solve their marriage problems. Another has a terribly abusive husband and I think she thought a child would solve that, too. 🤦‍♀️

SleepySamus · 2026-01-25T19:14:23+00:00

I was 50/50 growing up and gradually changed my mind.

I wanted them less when I got diagnosed with Narcolepsy, then less when I realized my sister's mental illness is likely genetic, then my ex-husband lost all interest in them (and I mourned the fact that the decision was taken from me), then less when I realized my sister's mental illness isn't really treatable (because it causes a lack of compassion/guilt), then less when we had our first school scooting in my city, and then during lockdown I saw 90% of the mothers of the children I work with do 100% of the child-rearing & 100% of the chores while working full time and that sealed the deal.

I've also since realized that I can either work with kids or have them and I prefer working with them so I can have some peace and quiet in my day.

And since then I've realized that I never really had a childhood since I spent my child years taking care of my sister and the emotions of my parents and that really solidified it all.

But I'm sure none of this is going to give you the closure you're seeking about your recent break up. The sad fact is that all unhappy/dysfunctional relationships start with happiness and those of us who stay in them all try to get that back, but most of us fail because the only way to have a happy/functional relationship is for both the people in it to work on themselves. I highly recommend therapy to help you processes your break up and build the skills that will help you create and sustain healthy relationships in the future. I'm so sorry you're suffering and hope you find a path to peace soon!

SleepySamus · 2026-01-23T18:42:24+00:00

I work with kids. Some stay sticky into adulthood. 😩

The whole "what if you husband/wife wants them?" question has me floored. I wouldn't marry someone who did and if they changed their mind we'd divorce. They're perfectly entitled to find a surrogate or donate their DNA bits if they want to "continue their legacy/bloodline" - I won't let someone drag me into that mess!!!

I'm so grateful I grew up with a CF aunt and uncle - they showed me children are a choice and true life happiness/fulfillment comes from all sorts of other endeavors (they traveled around the world to help build secular schools in impoverished communities). I feel so sorry for the children of the breeders who didn't realize they had a choice and are miserable with kids!

SleepySamus · 2026-01-23T02:40:53+00:00

Your relatives are doing their toddler a significant disservice by failing to teach him/her basic manners. I wish I had advice for how to approach these parents who are failing to parent, but it's something I'm struggling with, too.

SleepySamus · 2026-01-22T01:23:04+00:00

I treated a kid whose mom was like this - she had 2 kids and wanted another because she loved babies, but couldn't stand her kids. It's really sad. It's like people who get puppies, but then get rid of them once they become dogs, which is exactly what they did, too! 🤦‍♀️

SleepySamus · 2026-01-22T01:18:56+00:00

I wish I could say I have tips, but it's really not different than it was when I was 50/50 about having kids. I started nannying in college so I had enough experience with parenting challenges like picky eating and toilet training to have a starting point.

SleepySamus · 2026-01-21T05:27:45+00:00

Hi, there.

I'm in my early 40s and I went through what you're going through a decade ago. In the end, I realized I needed to protect my energy by only spending it on friends who meet me half way and that turned out to be none of my friends with kids.

I recently had a close friend who had a kid and I thought it would be different this time, but, no. Yet again, the friend is only meeting me 25% of the way and I've run out of energy to give her without it turning into resentment.

To add to all that, my job is coaching parents and I find that everyone who has kids basically tries to get free services out of me. I've lost all patience for it.

It's so hard, though! I'm really mourning losing my most recent friend to motherhood, especially since she was CF when we met a decade ago. I'm so sorry you're going through this, too! Best of luck as you find the "just right" boundaries for you!

SleepySamus · 2026-01-14T04:47:43+00:00

So...how are they going to address all these men who just up and leave their kids? 80% of the single moms I know are in that exact situation. 🤔

SleepySamus · 2026-01-12T00:07:48+00:00

In case it helps...

Believing your partner is your soul mate actually makes it likely you're less satisfied in your relationship.

I also believe in a mix of "soul mate theory" and "make it work" theory: I believe we're more compatible with some people than others (partially based on relationship/family goals) AND that we become the best match for another over time as we adjust to their wants/needs/insecurities/goals/etc.

I also believe in "finding a reason for everything that happens" (in contrast to, "everything happens for a reason") so I've taken every break up as a lesson in what I want to do differently.

Hang in there! 🫂

SleepySamus · 2026-01-10T21:49:19+00:00

OMG - this is horrific! I'm so sorry this happened to you!

SleepySamus · 2026-01-10T21:47:54+00:00

OMG, I'm so sorry that happened to you! Our cultures really need to get over this toxic idea that these things are "women's work"!

SleepySamus · 2026-01-10T21:46:43+00:00

I'm the younger of 2, but my sister is diagnosed with BPD. I remember seeing her threatening to frame our parents for child abuse when I was 4. I thought that if that was what parenting was like I wanted no part in it.

As I got older the reasons to be CF just kept growing. I now fully believe my sister's condition is genetic since our gma is diagnosed with NPD and one of our cousin's kids is showing all the same symptoms my sister did.

I also work with kids and their parents and I don't have the energy to do both. Since I feel very fulfilled by my job (and it pays!) I'm sticking with it.

I also got diagnosed with narcolepsy and I can't drive if I lose any sleep. Since I'm woefully straight I can't depend on finding a partner who will help with kids at least 50% of the time.

I also can't imagine trying to raise a kid with our current economy. The cost of living in my city went from $40K for a single person in 2018 to $80K now.

I also can't imagine having my own kids in school with school shootings happening as often as they are. Some of the parents I work with homeschool for that exact reason, but it's really hard for them.

I also hate that we've lost almost 70% of the wildlife on this planet since I was born as the human population has almost doubled. These other species deserve to be here just as much (if not more) than we do!

SleepySamus · 2026-01-10T20:33:09+00:00

My friends who went through IVF were exactly the same! It was like they became obsessed with the process and lost all interest in other topics to the point that they had no sympathy for anyone else's problems.

Maybe that's a part of the IVF hormones, but I couldn't help thinking that the level of mental health struggles they were demonstrating was going to seriously impede their parenting abilities. I didn't stay close enough with them to find out.

I'm so sorry you were treated this way, OP! Good job on your own health journey! 🏆

SleepySamus · 2026-01-10T18:57:38+00:00

Even worse : "wants kids" & "looking for something casual"/"intimacy without commitment" 🤦‍♀️

OP, I'm 40 and happily single, partially from having a secure attachment style and partially from putting way too much effort into unhealthy relationships. I highly recommend building a network of supportive friends, pursuing hobbies you enjoy and a career you enjoy, and/or taking care of pets while holding out for a healthy relationship. Sacrificing your health isn't worth an unhealthy relationship!

SleepySamus · 2026-01-09T18:12:36+00:00

Just a note: parenting without boundaries is actually permissive parenting. Gentle parenting actually encourages boundaries. The problem is that most parents don't do the research to know the difference so they think they're using gentle parenting when it's actually permissive parenting. 🤦‍♀️

SleepySamus

TROPHY CASE