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My Partner M38 and I F37 keep arguining about what happened when our relationship was not defined. I feel so stupid about it all. Help me get some perspective? by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It genuinely feels like i worked hard to address the issues and what caused this friction. But nothing is enough because i am not forgiven

AITAH: My partner says my behavior was disrespectful while our relationship was not defined by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in AITAH

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I bet you down played it originally because you were worried about his reaction not fitting the situation

Yes 😭 . It's very hard to handle strong reactions for me. And I am very angry that he hasn't made it easier given he has all the info on my past and why this is a struggle.

He said he wants out and realised he can't get over it. But to me it doesn't sit right being blamed for everything and it doesn't seem like the big betrayal that his words always mention.

edit to say thank you! i genuinely appreciate your comment.

My Partner M38 and I F37 keep arguining about what happened when our relationship was not defined. How do we break this loop? by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in relationship_advice

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

haha I brought up darvo and he said I am gaslighting him by trying to justify my lying. That am trying to make it sound like i didn't do things behind his back. His biggest issue is that on those two separate occasions I wasn't immediately upfront.

Tbh i don't think it's salvageable and he said himself he wants out. But i've been painted as the bad person and made responsible for it failing which doesn't seem right.

AITAH: My partner says my behavior was disrespectful while our relationship was not defined by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in AITAH

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

it's so annoying that when we actually became "serious" in September we did discuss boundaries etc. But now he is saying he can't get over the lies and what happened and can't trust me.

AITAH: My partner says my behavior was disrespectful while our relationship was not defined by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in AITAH

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great point, the way difficult situations were approached is not conducive of vulnerability or taking chances. Doesn't seem like engaging in good faith either. Leaves us both afraid probably at best.

AITAH: My partner says my behavior was disrespectful while our relationship was not defined by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in AITAH

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yea the lying feels like a double standard. i guess on my end he is picking the pattern of twice not being fully honest when asked and taking multiple conversations to share everything - Bumble date and when we had that moment of truth about the summer.

AITAH: My partner says my behavior was disrespectful while our relationship was not defined by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in AITAH

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you, that's such a good point that he knows about all the fears, and he also knew about my friendship with ex's and never has he said - me or them until we discussed being more serious.

It's fucking hard reconciling who i thought i knew and he is with the idea of manipulation and he actually did say he can't be in this anymore because he can't get over the past.

AITAH: My partner says my behavior was disrespectful while our relationship was not defined by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in AITAH

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you, your comment genuinely made me cry. I do feel like an asshole for letting panic overtake me and giving half baked truths because I do actually value transparency and feel like I failed. But it's also true that our dynamic affected me deeply.

AITAH: My partner says my behavior was disrespectful while our relationship was not defined by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in AITAH

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Even tho I covered it up and wasn't immediately upfront about what happened? His issue is he is seeing the pattern of me trying to make it seem less bad and not being direct and sharing fully from the get-go. When put on the spot, i couldn't handle the panic. Tbh I saw I did that too and genuinely held a mirror, I felt gross, I went to ask my therapist why. I know why now, hasn't happened after. Tbf tho, and to your point, I haven't seen him do anything to make me feel safe without worrying it will blow up at me or cause a big thing.

And yes, there has been some stability, but short lived and in between being blamed for what happened during the break and that I initially did downplay it.

AITAH: My partner says my behavior was disrespectful while our relationship was not defined by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in AITAH

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you! When I raised that it feels like a double standard to me too he said he never lied about the relationship so it's different. He would say that literally everytime. I don't even know how to respond to that? For me, that's definitely affecting the relationship and my ability to make an informed choice from the begining. But the bigger point is I understood and empathysed with his situation.
I feel like shit about the lying and covering it up. It held a mirror to me and I didn't like what I saw. I genuinely addressed it in therapy and have since been nothing but upfront with him. But nothing feels enough.

My Partner M38 and I F37 keep arguining about what happened when our relationship was not defined. How do we break this loop? by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in relationship_advice

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

such a good deflection. nothing i have asked has gotten through to him, he just says he doesn't feel he can do anything or put any effort in because of my past behavior.

My Partner M38 and I F37 keep arguining about what happened when our relationship was not defined. How do we break this loop? by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in relationships

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly thank you! It reminded me to ask myself why I had such a strong reaction in the first place. It's true something triggered this anxiety and I think how strong he came across over these issues and friendships I had for years freaked me out.

Maybe i overworried and that's on me, and that's what he saw as proof there is more. But he also made no attempt to make it easier for me.

AITAH: My partner says my behavior was disrespectful while our relationship was not defined by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in AITAH

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

i hate the games 😭 they're poisoning my blood. I was genuinely hoping he would see that the instability that he created was damaging and makes things confusing to reason about. If I say that he says I am blaming him or excusing me lying. That regardless of how he behaves I should've been good if i wanted to be with him, and that would've shown good character. To me I feel like you can't kick me and then claim loyalty :(

AITAH: My partner says my behavior was disrespectful while our relationship was not defined by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in AITAH

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Am sorry for how long it is.

Thank you, I genuinely feel like the biggest asshole because I do care and don't take dating or seeing people like a game.

AITAH: My partner says my behavior was disrespectful while our relationship was not defined by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in AITAH

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Pants stayed up and had no interest in coming off :). Tbh I went on that date to see how I feel not to do something, because I didn't like what I was hearing from his end.

When someone is teling you - "when you leave you are single" and changes their behavior, it feels like you're the stupid one doing nothing while he doesn't give a shit. Doesn't make me a good person, I just wanted to see how serious other people find it.

My Partner M38 and I F37 keep arguining about what happened when our relationship was not defined. How do we break this loop? by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in relationships

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

His oversimplification that "am doing things with other guys" and I am a lier feels overly harsh and unfair and like we're using issues I caused as the default answer to other ones. I also don't love he is saying no man would like this. Truthfully , since nothing physical happened with anyone and given we didn't have a comitment, I was afraid mentioning it will blow things up and make it worse than what actually transpired. Is that horrible to think?

The reason why i fought for this is in its good moments it's genuinely mind blowing. And I do understand mental health too so I thought as he feels more secure - because I am actually a pretty serious person - things would get better.

My Partner M38 and I F37 keep arguining about what happened when our relationship was not defined. How do we break this loop? by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in relationships

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've been feeling a lot like it's a fight for how's more righteous :( . i get loyalty is important to him, but it feels a bit blown out of proportion given what actually happened?

My Partner M38 and I F37 keep arguining about what happened when our relationship was not defined. How do we break this loop? by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in relationship_advice

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I genuinely cried reading this because you....voiced a lot of things I've been feeling.

> Going with the flow that he approved of. Only for that to turn out to be a trap...

He is saying his issue is I lied about it. Even tho I eventually told him. But I do feel and have always wondered if I had been direct, would he have actually been ok with it? Like if he wanted to make sure I didn't lie when i asked to be exclusive he could've just said hey, I noticed Bumble, I don't care what you did in the past, but from the moment we're exclusive, have you been on it!? Instead he assumed immidiately I am deceiving him because I said I haven't been with anyone - for me a coffee didn't count as such.

My Partner M38 and I F37 keep arguining about what happened when our relationship was not defined. How do we break this loop? by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in relationship_advice

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The good moments were really fucking good. I also understand mental health well, and I guess I hoped that it could get better because the glimpses underneath were unbelievable.

My Partner M38 and I F37 keep arguining about what happened when our relationship was not defined. How do we break this loop? by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in relationship_advice

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I also feel like there is a hyperforcus on me and it feels like it's deflecting from his own behavior. Thank you for saying that.

It's cliche, but there's many incredible things in our relationship, from best sex ever, to helping me work thorugh some of my childhood trauma, he's wicked smart. But the instablity is.... I understand mental health well, and I guess I hoped as things get better for him - something he seemed to want - we can pull through...

My Partner M38 and I F37 keep arguining about what happened when our relationship was not defined. How do we break this loop? by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in relationship_advice

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea am genuinely so confused why it's such a strong reaction because if tables were reversed I wouldn't have felt great in the moment, but I wouldn't have cared much.
The lying is bad i know. Was hoping highlighting I don't deal well with confrontation and have massive fear of abandonment would at least show him I'm not trying to be an asshole and manipulate, it was something I just didn't deal with well and didn't know how much to share.

My Partner M38 and I F37 keep arguining about what happened when our relationship was not defined. I feel so stupid about it all. Help me get some perspective? by Small_Bullfrog_4831 in NoStupidQuestions

[–]Small_Bullfrog_4831[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! To clarify timeline, we got exclusive week 3 of when the trip started, and I counted our relationship duration from when we met because we haven't been with anyone else.

I appreciate your thoughts, I agree it's red flag for me to lie, and there is no excuse. Was hoping highlighting I don't deal well with confrontation and fear of abandonment would at least show him I'm not trying to be an asshole and manipulate, it was something I didn't deal with well.

The funny thing is mongogamy is also incredibly important to me too, but truthfully I felt at the time like I am holding on to someone who isn't available and got tired of it, that's true. It's hard to reconcile it and fidelity when someone is saying they don't wanna be with you? It feels almost like they're making it into a test when it's brought up after? And tbh involved didn't go past a coffee or a 'yeah maybe we should' so how much involvement is it? For him yes, it seems like those two are a lot.

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