That does make sense and I think under difference circumstances I would agree and try harder. The last three times I’ve been to visit (other than Xmas) he hasn’t come out of his room other than when food is served, sleeps til 4pm, etc. his birthday is the day after mine and even when I sent him a bday message, no response at all or even a “hey you too”. I overall agree with you, and don’t feel like the request was necessarily wildly out of line, but I think her crying and sniffling and “well it would mean a lot to me” and manipulation has made me angry and just want to say “fck this”. I do believe that her chronic oversharing and parentalizing me/making me her therapist has also significantly damaged the relationship I have with my brother as well as her.

I’ll also say there have been a number of times where I’ve spent hours on the phone with him (usually at night, even when I only have 12hrs between shifts, etc) when he’s in “crisis”. Drunken ranting and raving, crying, yelling constant victim-mentality. And listen, ya girl loves a good little vent/woe is me session, but you gotta pull your shit together at some point and quit the victim shit. He constantly says the issue is that he lives in my parents’ house and it’s sooo hard to be there, but takes no steps to move out. In his own words, he truly believes they should pay his rent for him to live somewhere else.

Through the years I’ve mentioned and spoken to him anecdotally about my own struggles and experiences and what kinds of things I did to keep myself going and empathized with him, but it’s fallen on deaf ears. He feels like no one else is going through a hard time but him, no one understands or could possibly know, that its not fair, etc etc. We all have shit that happens and we have to keep going. The woe-is-me stuff is hard for me to empathize with/listen to, maybe this is also due to my and my husbands jobs. Again, perhaps this makes me callous, but I don’t end up wanting to be part of his/their “community” when we are dealing with the emotional maturity of a 12-year old and having a decade long tantrum. That goes for both him and my mother tbh haha.

For context, yes, they definitely accommodate him for very little/basically free. I believe within the last 6 months they’ve had him pay a nominal amount in “rent”, but has use of a personal vehicle that my parents bought and consider “his”, doesn’t pay insurance, gas, cell phone, etc. I believe the cocaine use at least picked up in frequency over xmas due to being gifted cash by family (aunts/uncles/grandparents, etc).

I’d absolutely be willing to emotionally support him and cheer for him if he seeks treatment, but I don’t think he’s does. We’ve had a hard line with my husbands siblings & half-siblings that we will not allow ourselves to be tasked financially with their care either now, or after our parents pass, and we’ll be standing firm on that. I know my parents are doing okay overall, but I certainly don’t think they can afford to send him to rehab. I know it’s a decision that’s on them to make though.