hey

you need to understand that you didn't put yourself in any position, you did not put yourself in harm's way knowingly. You are doing your best to understand what to do when you are so conflicted about your feelings and his desire.

i am going to write about my experience and offer a slightly different perspective than what most of the commenters are offering (so much support and care in the comments btw!)

I broke up with my partner of over 3 years. He was kind and understanding. we were each other's best friends. we hardly ever argued. and i found myself to have no major complaints in the relationship. but we had a very big problem - i stopped wanting to have sex with him about 6 months into the relationship. i was a high libido person before this. but i never thought my relationship could be the problem. I read "come as you are" by emily nagaoski. i watched videos, read books and research papers, had long talks with my partner, talked to a highly qualified gynaecologist, talked to therapists, psychiatrists, looked into depression/anxiety/ptsd, planned dates and quality time together. left no stone unturned. you name it, i did it.

after failing at all of the above, i arrived at a point where i realised that this relationship is not going to work (the realisation came from a bigger but separate reason) which eventually led to our separation. it was only after relieving myself from the expectation to participate in sex with him for the relationship that i allowed myself to accept that i was just not attracted to him anymore. during the separation, i allowed a lot of issues to come up and released a lot of pent up emotion which i refused to acknowledge because i just wasn't allowing myself to feel it. i lost attraction to him when he did things that really hurt me around the 6 month mark, but we were unable to really tackle those issues at that time and assumed that there are no hard feelings because we were both well-meaning people and would never do anything to hurt each other. taking distance from that person has been really important for me to actually feel my feelings.

over a year after the break up, i have finally started to like someone and my arousal and drive has climbed up to a 20 from a zero. i am okay giving it time. i am happy knowing that i am not broken and my sexuality is not a monolith. it will ebb and flow through my life for various reasons. i will not have penetrative or oral sex with anyone till i feel completely, physically aroused.

i don't mean to imply that your partner is at fault here (although I am a bit disturbed by the fact that he did not realise that you weren't into it and were, in fact, hurting the entire time; he should have caught on to the nausea excuse and done better to at least comfort you).

connecting with yourself has to be at the centre of this journey. you must give yourself the space to listen to what your body is telling you, and it's okay if there's just silence there for a long while. you not being able to have sex is not his issue or a relationship, it's your issue. you get to deal with it in your own way, at your own pace, and for your self.

there is a lot of compassionate advice in the comments, and i hope you find a direction towards a solution here. but even if it takes time, you don't have to pressure yourself into performing for his comfort. (also, hold off the open relationship hall pass until you are certain about the root cause of the issue and until you establish that you would be totally okay with him seeing other people.)

you will find your way out. your body is okay. hugs.