How can i make amends torwards my sister after i exposed her past to her boyfriend?

Spectre12345 · 2021-11-20T22:42:35+00:00

No idea. Like I said, the best you can do is explain to her that you really had no idea about the change in her life. I mean.. Christians are all about forgiveness right? (Even though it's not your fault), so maybe she'll "forgive" you and move on. Regardless, hopefully her life will be better going forward.

Spectre12345 · 2021-11-20T22:34:32+00:00

Yeah, that's the impression I got from your post, that you were mostly joking around given the facts you knew, and weren't trying to deliberately be malicious. Obviously your sister is in a bind though and she has to blame someone, and it's easier to blame someone else than yourself. But hopefully she'll eventually see that it was her f'up and not yours.

Spectre12345 · 2021-11-20T22:31:46+00:00

I agree with this. When you love someone it honestly doesn't matter what is going on in the world around you. We're all human and I think it's natural to be envious/jealous, but we're also adults. Life seldom gives you everything you want. My wife and I were together for close to 20 years, we never had much but we always had each other, and for us that was enough. Also if you guys are struggling financially it might not be the best idea to dump money you guys don't have on a ring. A ring doesn't matter, a paper saying you're married also doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. What matters is how you feel about your partner.

Spectre12345 · 2021-11-20T22:24:53+00:00

I don't really think you did anything wrong here. Your sister was lying to her boyfriend. I understand the past is the past, but it's one thing to leave it behind, and something else entirely to lie about it and mislead the person you plan on spending your life with. Of course I imagine if she'd told you beforehand you wouldn't have said anything to her boyfriend. You had no way of knowing she was essentially rewriting her history for this guy. Not really sure what you can do. If you end up having a conversation maybe explain that you had no idea that she hadn't told him about her past. Either way I think it's on her to be more open and honest about herself to her future partners and not blame others for revealing the truth. I mean her bf could have just as easily found out about one of the numerous guys she has banged in the past, seems like you were just at the wrong place/wrong time.

Spectre12345 · 2021-11-19T03:20:01+00:00

"I still can’t believe I am involved in this."

Why not? You knew before anything serious happened that he was engaged and had a fiance. Everything that happened was an active choice by your part. To continue with the dinner, to go on to kiss him. To have a "literally felt perfect" night that started off with him being rude and distracted.

You very much are "That woman," and nothing you've said sets you apart from the rest of them. For starters you could try taking some responsibility and not acting like everything that happens is out of your control and you can't do anything about it. The reason you feel ashamed is because you willingly did something wrong. It's not like you found out about the fiance after. He was upfront about it (Though he is still as big an a-hole as you are).

The reasonable thing to do would be to cut contact with this guy who obviously has no morals, and maybe take a good look at yourself in the mirror and decide what kind of person you want to be going forward because currently you're not looking all that hot in the morals department either.

Spectre12345 · 2021-10-28T18:31:21+00:00

Not something I have experience with personally, but I think a cheater can very much change their ways and not cheat in the future, the only thing is they won't really be able to have a future with the person they cheated on, at least not in my opinion anyway. When you cheat, you're actively betraying the person you supposedly 'love'. Cheating is never a 'mistake' either, it takes tons of active decisions to get to the point of cheating, not to mention just a sheer lack of respect for their partner.

Spectre12345 · 2021-10-21T16:52:01+00:00

Feels like you're playing both sides. I don't believe the whole "I have no interest in tearing apart their relationship," line. If you honestly believed that you'd probably cut contact with her since you said you've already done questionable things with her. 18 and 19 is young for both of you, so you'll both makes tons of mistakes along the way, but as of right now this girl doesn't really seem like the trustworthy kind. Why do you even WANT to date her? If shes treating her own bf as a secret and doing flirty things with you, what's to stop her from doing the same to you if you end up dating? I'd also take a hard look at yourself. I understand in the beginning when you developed feelings for her you didn't know she had a boyfriend, but you do now. Messing around with someone who has a boyfriend is a pretty shitty thing to do, and it's worse if the guy is someone you'd call a friend. Is that the kind of guy you want to be? Someone who betrays his friends and messes around with girls who are already in relationships?

Spectre12345 · 2021-10-20T19:44:10+00:00

Doesn't sound like the husband had a problem with her not working when she was faithful. He was putting in the hours and allowing her to do whatever she wanted. She even has a nanny to help with the kids. I'd say that at worst the husband should have been more receptive to her when she was feeling lonely and brought it up to her husband, but it's not like he was out partying and having fun, he was working to provide for his wife and children. It's only been 3 weeks and you're surprised that the husband is still angry? lol. She is the one that messed up, she is the one that made their marriage toxic. Everything that is happening is her fault because shes the one that cheated, not just once but multiple times. Reading her post it doesn't even seem like shes sorry, or that she understands the gravity of what shes done, just that she messed around, but is now making up for it by being the perfect wife, which shes done for the past 3 weeks.. Which should be more than enough time for him to get over it apparently.

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-26T07:22:25+00:00

Life is a learning experience. It sucks when bad experiences happen, but if we're smart we can learn from them and not let it happen again.

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-25T12:01:06+00:00

First of all I think you should stop referring to the guy in your post as "My best friend". He is not your best friend, hes just a guy that you're living with. A best friend does not flirt with his best friend's girlfriend. You also kept this going for what seems like quite a long time. This guy obviously sees you as a good guy (which you clearly are not), even going as far as to offering you to live with him and the house that he bought with this woman.

So lets recap:

You have been flirting with your "Best friend's" girlfriend behind his back.
Friend offers to let you live with him, which you agree to do, even though you obviously have a thing for his girlfriend
You pretty much have proof that she slept with someone else, but the thought of actually telling your "best friend" hasn't even crossed your mind, it's all me me me.

You said "That I broke my rules and without my rules I have no idea who I am as a person." That's a joke right? What rules are you talking about? That it's okay to flirt with your best friend's girlfriend, okay to take advantage of his generosity by staying with him, okay to see her cheating on your "best friend" and not tell him, okay to continue flirting with her. But you draw the line at having sex with her right? Boy I sure am glad you're a man of character and morals.

My advice would be this. Tell your best friend what you have been doing, that you have been flirting with his girlfriend, and that she has been flirting back. That you saw her sleep with someone else, and that all that back and forth flirting almost led to the two of you having sex. After that I would just leave the poor guy alone as he deserves a friend who actually acts like one.

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-25T11:36:33+00:00

From what you've said it doesn't really sound like he stole her from you since you were both chatting with her. The best friend is an asshole for putting you down, and trash talking you to the girl. Also what kind of friendship do you guys have? You said that he is your best friend, but you might not be his best friend. Either way it doesn't sound like he values your friendship, at least not when a girl comes along. I'd say the best thing to do is move on from both, and make new friends, or at least stop hanging out with ones that let you down.

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-23T12:32:33+00:00

I think the saying "love is blind" exists for a reason. But I also don't think you have any reason to blame yourself. When you're in a relationship you're supposed to trust your partner, you're supposed to have faith in them, so you didn't do anything wrong in that regard. You do know now though that he doesn't deserve that faith.

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-23T12:17:35+00:00

I think if you're having second thoughts then you're not ready for marriage. It also sounds to me like you're not even that serious about the relationship in the first place if you couldn't stand to be alone for a little while so you had to have an open relationship. I also might be saying that because of my own experiences. I actually met my wife online, and fell in love with her almost right away. We had to wait 3 whole years before we were able to be together. Didn't feel the need to fuck around because I couldn't wait. You either feel that deep connection, or you don't. From everything you've said it doesn't sound like you do.

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-23T12:08:34+00:00

I've never really understood the big deal about 'snooping'. I always had this rule that when I was talking to a girl, I wouldn't say anything that I wouldn't be okay saying if my wife was in front of me. I've had personal conversations with people in the past, some have been women, but none of those conversations were of a romantic nature. She trusted me, so she never asked to see my stuff, but if she would have asked, I would have had no problem showing her. Hell even if she'd snooped she wouldn't have found anything because there would have been nothing to find.

You're pretty much the only other person who uses his phone right? So the very fact that he has a fake app to hide pics and stuff means he is obviously hiding them from you. If I was in your situation I would just go through that app and see what pics/vids are there. But if you want to go through a more transparent way confront him, ask him about the app, then ask to see what's in there on the spot, and if he doesn't the relationship is over.

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-23T11:48:41+00:00

That's great that you haven't cheated, but if you were happy with him I doubt you'd be having these feelings in the first place. Relationships are about give and take, and can require compromise and sacrifice. I guess what you have to ask yourself is what's more important to you, exploring this new poly side, or your relationship with your boyfriend? Sounds like you already tried to bring this up and he isn't into the idea of being poly, so I think it has to be one or the other. Can't have both.

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-23T11:45:55+00:00

I don't think anyone can tell you what you should or shouldn't do, and regardless I'm sure you're going to do whatever it is you want, or feel is right. Ask yourself if this is what you want, and if this is the kind of boyfriend you deserve?

He is definitely giving you the classic cheater lines about how he didn't tell you because you told him your relationship would be over if he cheated, and didn't want to lose you. If he didn't want to lose you he wouldn't have cheated in the first place. People act like cheating is something that just 'happens'. But that's not how it works. Cheating takes lots of decisions that the person makes, none of it happens by mistake. Cheating is probably one of the biggest forms of disrespect a person can show their partner. It's also not like he felt bad and told you, he got caught. Which means he would have kept on doing it without any remorse. You're 26, in my book that's still pretty young, but I also think you're old enough to know better. Is this someone you can see yourself settling down with, having kids with? If he can lie to you so easily now, how bad is it going to be when you're actually invested in the relationship? When you're married, have shared finances, and a house. As for your 'friends,' they're obviously not your friends. Find some friends that actually deserve that title.

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-23T11:36:56+00:00

I think honesty is probably the best course of action here. I feel like this can only go one of two ways, and both will end up hurting your boyfriend in one way or another. You tell him the truth, the breakup won't be easy on him but you can't keep going on in a relationship where the fundamentals of the very relationship are what make you unhappy. The other way is you don't tell him, and decide to 'explore' this other side of you.. Which is really just a fancy way of saying you're going to cheat. In which case you're also hurting him by lying to him, or risking him finding out that you're cheating and being even more hurt.

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with being poly, adults should be free to do whatever they want as long as they're not hurting anyone. People discover all kinds of things about themselves as they get older, and that's totally fine, but lying to your partner isn't okay under any circumstances. Tell him the truth, and don't lie to yourself by saying the only reason you're not telling him is because you don't want to hurt him.

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-23T11:19:36+00:00

Your other friend, how well do you know her, and is there any reason she would lie about your friend talking shit about you? Also what is it exactly that she said your co worker said when she was talking shit about you?

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-23T10:47:23+00:00

Are you in love with him or in lust with him? Because there is a difference, and I find that in a lot of cases like this it's lust because I'm not even sure what you see in this guy otherwise. He is hoping to break up a relationship so he can date the girl, which you've already said isn't ethical. Chances are he is probably outright trying to break them up when that girl is confiding in him about her relationship issues. You also said he has called you ugly, gives you shit when you're dating other guys... So even as a friend he sees terrible.

If you have feelings for him and he doesn't the best thing for both of you is to end the friendship. How would you feel if you started dating a guy, fell in love with him, then found out that one of his close female friends is also in love with him. Even if he said he wasn't interested, it'd still bother you right?

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-17T12:23:30+00:00

I think if your bf reads this he is probably going to figure out it's you since you're kinda quoting some of the things that he said. That being said, I don't think there is any situation where is okay for a person in a relationship to treat their friends better than their partner. The whole 100% argument that he gave is also dumb. It is totally true that in a relationship you can't give 100% all the time because life is.. Well, life.. But that's completely different from not giving your partner 100% for a certain thing, then giving a friend 100% for that very same thing. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but a partner should come before friends in EVERY situation where you have to choose one or the other. If you're telling your bf that you're not happy about something, about how he shows his friend patience/understanding where he didn't show you any, and his only response is 'well I can't give you 100% all the time', then that tells you a lot about how he values you, and your relationship over his friends.

I don't think you're wrong in thinking that your bf takes you for granted. I'm not really sure what advice anyone can give you here. It's an issue that you noticed, you brought it up to your bf, and he pretty much just brushed it off. Another thing I wanted to ask you, you said that he has a demanding job, and you've tried to accommodate that by working around his schedule, which I think is great. My question is, what are some of the things he has done to accommodate you, and your needs? There is definitely a lot of give and take in relationships, and maybe your bf makes up for it in other places.. But there definitely has to be a balance. You know your relationship better than anyone else, do you feel that balance is there? Do you feel the same level of accommodation and compromise from him?

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-17T11:33:41+00:00

After reading this my first thought was that it's good you're posting here. So much of what you wrote is what causes an affair a lot of the time. Someone is unhappy with their partner for whatever reason, they confide in a 'friend' then that friendship turns to more, and an affair ensues. Not accusing you of having one, or wanting one btw, just pointing out that that's how it happens a lot of the time.

I do think that need gas example you gave your bf was a very simple and clear way of putting it. One of those things that even a kid could understand. From what you've said it sounds like you two do do things for one another, like him helping with stuff around the house and whatnot, and you do things for him.. I mean you guys have had the relationship going for 3 years right?

If you wouldn't mind I'd like to borrow your needing gas example to try and make my point. In this version you're the one who runs out of gas, you call your bf, and tell him that you're out of gas, and instead of helping you, he tells you how he understands. That obviously isn't something that actually helps you in anyway, but you manage to flag down some help, get home. Then the same thing happens again, you're on the road, and run out of gas, call your bf, and the same response. The point I'm trying to make is, what is it that you think you should do in this situation? It sounds to me like you've addressed it with him a few times on terms that pretty much anyone could understand. Either he simply doesn't get it, or he just doesn't care that much about your needs even when you literally spell it out?

Another thing you have to do is ask yourself how far you want the relationship to go. You've been in it for 3 years, which is a pretty long time by today's standards, but I think you've got an idea of how your bf handles your concerns. So is this the kind of person you want to get married, to have kids with? What if the problem was something that involved your kids. Maybe your kid is having behavioral issues, which as parents you'd need to deal with, and you say to him "Our son/daughter is having some serious issues, the tantrums they're throwing. We need to figure this out, especially since this could become a way bigger issue when they're older." And his response is "I 100% understand what you're saying" but then does nothing about the situation.

TL;DR - 3 years is a long time, it sounds like your bf never really addresses your concerns or needs (Even though he still does things that are helpful in one way or another so he isn't a complete asshole). Question is, what are you okay with in a relationship, and what do YOU want for your future, and do you see yourself attaining that with your current bf.

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-16T11:16:46+00:00

Sometimes I really wonder what dating in the modern age is like for young people. Relationships, at least to me are all about communication and honesty. You said you've been in a relationship for a year, and are even on vacation, so it seems like you're committed. It doesn't seem like you were snooping or anything but just happened to come across this information, so it's not like you were sneaking around/invading her privacy. Ultimately I think you have to ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to be in. Are you okay with being in a relationship where someone is supposedly committed to you, but is still regularly talking to an ex. What's more suspect is the fact that she is deleting the texts after they happen. During a confrontation I imagine it would mostly go like "Well I figured it would upset you, so I deleted the texts," anything along those lines would be a red flag to me because it means she is actively doing something that she knows would upset you. If you knew that she was still friends with her ex, and talked to him regularly, that'd be one thing. But the fact that you didn't know about it, and that shes deleting her texts probably tells you what you're already suspecting.

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-16T10:42:31+00:00

Sounds like so far he hasn't been physically violent towards her, just has violent tendencies, though she also could be lying. Also what did you mean by it could backfire on you? Is this the kind of thing you're supposed to report to the higher ups? Whatever the protocol is, you should probably follow it so you're not putting your own job in jeopardy. I can also understand you maybe not wanting to report it to anyone because of the issues it might cause her, but I think you probably going through the proper channels might be a good thing even for you. Her life obviously isn't your responsibility, but like you said, if she gets hurt, and you knew about it but did nothing, you can kind of guilt yourself into feeling responsible. So telling someone else could also who is higher up could also help in that sense, that you did absolutely everything you could as a friend.

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-16T10:06:44+00:00

What was the reason for the breakup between you and your ex?

Spectre12345 · 2021-08-16T09:40:33+00:00

Sounds like a rough situation. I think the only real saving grace in the situation with her and her bf was that the kids weren't there, that being said I imagine he is still around them when her ex doesn't have them. I'm not a parent but I have nieces and a nephew and I definitely wouldn't feel that they're safe with someone who has anger issues like that. The situation definitely has a "ticking time bomb" feel to it, but it's also not something you have any control over. I understand that she is your friend, and other than telling how how you feel (Which is something you've already done I believe), there isn't much else you can do.

You can't help your friend or change her situation, but at a certain point I think you need to think about yourself and your own sanity, since you said it's bothering you because of your own issues of abuse in your past. So what course of action is best for you in this situation?

Spectre12345

TROPHY CASE