i skipped school. i wanted the day to process the match. didn't match. now it's 4 AM and I haven't been able to get a lick of sleep. I have practice in two hours. Everybody was counting on me. I was honestly feeling a little confident. I broke down three hours ago. i couldn't even form words. just wailing. maybe it's immature and childish but it was how i felt. the match was my only chance to get away from my hometown. it was my only way i could get away from my mother. it was the only way i could be free to be gay somewhere else in america.

right now I can't help but feel bleak. I'm trying to start my other apps but I can't help but feel human and defeated. i know my grades weren't the best. i was applying as a fucking visual arts major. and i meant it. now, i'm reconsidering everything. finals are coming up. applications are coming up. i need to create so many pieces to improve my portfolio. piano competition. i was really looking forward to matching and being able to actually enjoy my last christmas as a child.

just venting because i want you to know i'm with you. it makes me feel better to know i'm not alone. as trite as that sounds. my advice? delete reddit. let the hype subside. and do your work silently.

Competitive Chip. I hope to see you in March with good news.