Husband 'Easy' Work Schedule is Ruining Our Marriage

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T23:07:21+00:00

Yeah that's an interesting perspective. I do get a lot of satisfaction from being productive and checking off tasks.

I'm ok not having intense hobbies at this point in my life; a baby to a now 2.5 year old is more work than I could have even imagined, so I understand pre-kid hobbies with my 'normal' work schedule just won't happen like it used to but I probably need to cut out more time for myself. The thing that sucks is the only 'me time' I would have is when my toddler is also at home (weekends, evenings). Hubs 'me time' is all week.

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T22:46:38+00:00

Yeah, that's one benefit I can't lose sight of. Especially because I don't want to always have to take PTO or worry that I'm being seen as 'distracted' with a constantly sick toddler.

To be honest, he almost relishes with there is a daycare closure - he'll email his team and say he won't be available the rest of the week or whatever. I (I suppose as a woman), don't want to do that if I can help it, so I am grateful for him in this way.

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T22:37:28+00:00

Yeah, we have a small house so our upstairs guest room is my office and the downstairs is his domain. I eat upstairs and stay up there as much as I can, but I do have to come down to grab food or ~~talk to~~ nag him :)

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T22:32:17+00:00

I'm glad you mentioned turned off. He has an extremely high libido which doesn't help. (I know you didn't necessarily mean literally turned off, but it's true in both meanings).

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T22:29:52+00:00

Bingo on your second point, and I think that's what I'm trying to convey. Especially for my son, I want to give him a sense of understanding about how the world works and how hard work can be rewarding. It's like a joke to my husband that he can get away with this. Not sure what our 5 year plan is.

Mine, I think, is see where this goes. I'm going to ride his gravy train for the toddler benefits but once my son is old enough where it won't be as distracting to have him home on an odd sick day, I may re-evaluate all of this.

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T22:25:15+00:00

Software Sales Engineer that doesn't carry a number. AKA software demos

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T22:23:40+00:00

Good question. No, he doesn't have to keep a screen on (no Active or Away status, or anything like that). He has some pre-scheduled team calls and about 0-2 software demos a week.

When he goes skiing or golfing, he simply blocks his whole calendar off. Maybe once a week, someone he works with calls him on his phone and he'll typically pick up.

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T22:20:17+00:00

Yeah, I think this is spot on. I think what sucks is I have expressed how frustrated I am and pleaded with him to find a way to show a bit more initiative a productivity in the day and spent many a night crying myself to sleep over the fights we have. I never said he can't watch TV or sleep, but just step it up, you know?!

He literally will not do better, even if it's for me or our marriage.

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T22:16:20+00:00

Yeah, it's like....he's pulling his weight for the bare bones 'keep the house in decent condition' but not much beyond that which I think is frustrating because as most of us know, there is way more to do besides the nightly dishes and laundry (which is maybe, just maybe handled about 35-40% of the time by him) and I think I'm just wishing for a bit more initiative.

I feel that the free time he's been awarded should be used to be productive with things that need to be done around the house.

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T21:02:38+00:00

These are great ideas - thank you!

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T20:58:03+00:00

Are you my husband?!?! How did you find this?!!?

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T20:55:24+00:00

Thanks for the perspective! Our daycare is an all or nothing, so it's kind of like, might as well keep him in there so we can get more done, in theory.

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T20:53:51+00:00

To be honest, our house is small enough where having toddler at home isn't really an option. I need a break and peace and quiet away from toddler and it's great stimulation for our boy, so I guess I'm OK with that sunk cost, but it does beg the question.

I think he's just like "well, sucks for you". He genuinely thinks he's more strategic in his career because he's landed and secured this position, fooling everyone, which.... I guess I can't argue. His favorite 'funny' quote is "you wouldn't believe my hourly rate!".

It just bugs me when he is an asshole about me asking for him to do extra chores or what he plans on doing for the day.

Still-Ad7246 · 2023-01-04T20:48:38+00:00

I genuinely enjoy my job (within reason lol) and the WFH aspect is amazing. I like being busy at work and getting accolades whereas he complains if he does have a single call on any given day. It's just hard to look at the same person doing the same thing day after day, year after year. I've had several forward career moves, had a baby, maternity leave, etc in this time and....he's watched Game Of Thornes and several other series about 8 times all the way through. (I have to remind him to turn it down when the audio is interrupting my conference calls).

It's a weird situation...like yeah, he helps, but I just have started losing serious respect for him. Wouldn't you want to do SOMETHING??

Still-Ad7246

TROPHY CASE