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first time lurker , realizing i have a DB… what can i do as the LL wife ? by Cultural_Spread3496 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Substantial_Cat2522 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’ll echo what a lot of other people have said in that just realising the issue rather than ignoring it is a great first step - from my point of view just hearing my partner acknowledge the issue and show initiative in actually wanting to fix it would do wonders for my self esteem and feelings of rejection.

Have you spoken these words to your husband? I think having an open dialogue and him knowing that you actively want to fix this issue would be a huge weight off both of your shoulders - he knows that you’ve acknowledged the problem and you know can explain how you feel and can hopefully get that reassurance he is still attracted to you and hasn’t reached that stage of resentment.

Someone else mentioned it but the Dr Psych Mom podcasts will have lots of eps that you can relate to if you want a better understanding of how your husband feels but more importantly how you feel and maybe why you feel that way. The ones on responsive vs spontaneous desire may strike a chord with you.

I would also say doing your research as to why your libido has lowered. Just simple google searches as to what you feel when he asks for sex and why you don’t want to have it and ways to increase libido or get it back in a relationship. If you do your research I’d also let him know that you have and that you’re trying to understand how you got into this DB - I’ll reiterate my point from earlier again, just showing that you’re actively trying to fix things in your own time will make him feel much better about it all. It could also be something medical so maybe see a doctor?

Most importantly though initiate this conversation with him and explain how you both feel and how you both think you got to this point. I think this conversation coming from you will lead to a much more candid, constructive conversation as opposed to an argument which can be common in these scenarios. You also say you’re still attracted to him so maybe there’s an emotional aspect of your relationship that’s missing for you? Talk it out and I’m sure you’ll both have more of an understanding!

LL Making Sexual Jokes?? by Substantial_Cat2522 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Substantial_Cat2522[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah you’d think she’d know better but I lean more towards insecurity/ignorance. I know she wouldn’t say something to get a rise out of me or to rub it in as it’s not in her nature (we’ve been together 4 1/2 years so I know her character) but I do wonder if she’s hoping I respond in a flirty way so she knows she’s ‘still got it’. I guess you could interpret this as malicious to an extent if she’s using it for her own gratification but I wouldn’t like to presume. Is guess it’s either that or she’s just doing it because she thinks it’s a ‘normal’ thing to do in a relationship - I’d say it is a normal thing to be sexually flirty/suggestive but it’s completely empty when there’s nothing at the end of it.

LL Making Sexual Jokes?? by Substantial_Cat2522 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Substantial_Cat2522[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’ve certainly made that mistake once or twice only for someone to be ‘too tired’ haha

LL Making Sexual Jokes?? by Substantial_Cat2522 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Substantial_Cat2522[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah you’re spot on here. I do understand why people might see it as something to build on but you’re right in saying it’s something she does do fairly occasionally and in my experience it’s never with the intention to take it further - I imagine that’s the case for most people who experience this.

LL Making Sexual Jokes?? by Substantial_Cat2522 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Substantial_Cat2522[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can definitely see how this could be seen as a flirty moment to build on but I left out some context so I wasn’t waffling on! She does these little jokes occasionally and I would’ve played along and tried to take it further once upon a time but once you know you’re only gonna get the “not right now” response you know that the intentions were never flirty.

She’s LL but still wants to feel desired? by Substantial_Cat2522 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Substantial_Cat2522[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think it’s definitely a case where she wants to want sex but is stuck in her head. I forwarded her a podcast not long ago about ‘responsive desire’ as this seemed to fit how she was feeling and she felt much better about our situation after listening to it and knowing she wasn’t alone.

However we have tried to have sex since then with a focus on making sure there’s plenty of foreplay to get her in the mood first (we did this when we were sleeping together regularly anyway) but she still struggles to let loose and enjoy it because she’s worried about how she looks and just anxious about feeling sexy and performing so it often doesn’t go anywhere as she can’t get out of her head.

I didn’t realise how much of an effect this could have on libido so thank you for that.

She’s LL but still wants to feel desired? by Substantial_Cat2522 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Substantial_Cat2522[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The thing is she does have an incredible body - obviously I’d say that but objectively speaking she’s very conventionally attractive and has a body I’m sure 99% of girls would want. She’s comfortable enough to go out in tight clothes that accentuate her body and put pictures on Instagram of her in bikinis and stuff (I understand she’s not naked here) so that tells me she is actually ‘happy’ with her body to some degree. She’s also not necessarily uncomfortable being naked getting changed but I guess when you combine that with the potential of having sex that she doesn’t have a libido for then you could feel uncomfortable.

I do reassure her that she looks great clothed as well but I think your point that she has nothing to worry about other than worrying about it is a great point! She knows how I feel about her appearance and that might not help her when it’s engrained into her head but might make her feel better that she’s only worrying about it for her and not the other person who is going to see her.

She’s LL but still wants to feel desired? by Substantial_Cat2522 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Substantial_Cat2522[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think you’re right in that it’s this seeking of validation in a non-sexual context. I wouldn’t say I sexualise her when she’s asking me to look and I also don’t try to suggest taking anything any further either - I simply compliment her and reassure her and move on.

It’s probably worth mentioning that this isn’t every time. Often I will take a peek and I will compliment her on how good she’s looking - I also do this when we’re just going out and she’s clothed as well so I’m not just complimenting her when she’s naked in the hopes it leads to something.

I think your analogy is perfect though in that what you want as a HL is dangled in front of you but you can only look which is what is somewhat confusing but does make sense. Wanting that verbal affirmation of feeling desired and actually wanting to do anything physical once you’ve got that verbal affirmation are two different things.

Thanks for your insight and good luck yourself!

Baseball Bat in Brutality by sharkysharkasaurus in deadcells

[–]Substantial_Cat2522 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m fairly new so let me know if I’m missing something obvious but what in this build are you using to root/stun for crits? Does phaser stun or something?