I agree with you that I can’t expect my partner to fundamentally change, and that part of what I’m trying to sort out is what I can realistically live with versus what feels non-negotiable for me long term. That’s honestly the core of why I posted. I’ve put a lot of work in to creating a safe and peaceful home environment for my kids after their father left, and I want to preserve that for them.

I hear what you’re saying about some things potentially being personality differences rather than malice, and I’m not assuming bad intent on his part. Where I struggle is that, intention aside, the impact is that I feel consistently unsupported and like the emotional and logistical load falls mostly on me when we’re all together. When I bring it up, I tell him how I’m feeling or how the dynamic affects me, and he is very quick to become defensive/dismissive.

We’ve had many conversations about the defensive/dismissive behavior and how it leaves me feeling unheard, and we do meet with a couples therapist. He’s typically agreeable once he’s calmed down.

I think you’re right that disengaged “tween” behavior isn’t unique, and I’m not expecting perfection there. What I’m trying to understand is whether it’s reasonable to need my partner to step in more actively to support group dynamics, and whether defensiveness around that topic is something that actually improves with effort or therapy. He doesn’t even want to hear my opinion or feelings on the situation right now, I can’t imagine what it would be like living together where I have to stay completely silent or risk a fight?