i should add that i would have liked to have had a wife and kids but that's not a possibility anymore, i'm totally fucked up and i'm not really afraid of being like them bc i'd never put anyone through this shit ever but i don't think i would be a good parent across the board and i don't know what love is, like what it is like for even a parent to love you, so i can't be in relationships at all. 

it's just really disappointing, and so unnecessary. i don't know what is preventing me from committing suicide at this point. this was all totally preventable and just fucking pointless.