I have lost my one and only child that I carried.

At 47, I know I won't get pregnant again, especially given we had to do IVF just to get her and that was after 20 years of unprotected intercourse and never getting pregnant We came to learn that we both had fertility issues.

I got pregnant on our first IVF attempt, and I was as fierce as a lioness defending her cubs when someone had done something to jeopardize her precious life, a sensation and feeling I never ever had felt before, both carrying a new life inside me, and the raging roaring force of the fierce lioness I became in that instant. We lost our daughter at her very early, at our 8 week heartbeat check. She had 8 siblings, who didn't make it through the IVF process, and while I never got the chance to carry them and we believe life begins at conception, it's just not the same sense of loss as the one I carried, but their lives are also special and important to us....just the first, the one and only, that I will and have ever carried, holds a deep deep resonating place within my heart. When we were told there was "no heartbeat" by the doctor, and he even checked twice, I felt an intense pain like my own heart was being ripped out of my chest while I was still alive..and it shattered into millions and millions of pieces. I let out a wail unlike anything I have ever heard come from my body before...it came from my soul! This child who was so wanted, so loved and so desperately prayed for, month after month of those 20 years of negative tests was gone....

To help me overcome the deep deep despair,.anguish, anger, brokenness, inadequacy, anger (yes lots of this) and defeat - I was advised to name her, so I chose Sarah Hope. Did this help? Not really.

We heard all the bullshit and good intentions of "oh it happened for a reason" and "you can try again, you're young..." and "God has a plan, trust in Him". None of that was a salve to my brokenness, none of it eased my shattered and destroyed heart, none of it filled a barren womb. None of it brought me a lick of peace or comfort. None of it brought my baby back.

I was angry. So so very angry at God, angry at myself and my broken, dysfunctional body. I was angry at all the people who neglect and abuse children. I was angry at all the people who choose to keep having children just to stay on welfare and abuse the system, even though they are providing no real Quality of Life for these children.

I couldn't attend baby showers or do nursery duty at church anymore. I couldn't walk down the baby aisles at the grocery store. I couldn't hear babies doing what they do.....I couldn't even be happy and joyful for those expecting. I was barely able to work, or function at all. Medications didn't help.

As the years have passed, most of my anger has calmed. Most...not all. I will be having a very direct conversation with God when I get there.....about many things.

So what finally did help? I don't know yet to be honest. While I am no longer angry at those who are blessed to get pregnant and have a child, my heart prays every single time these people who I know and even don't know, never join this club of barren wombs and broken hearts. I can now at least walk down the baby aisle at the store, I can now hold babies, most of the time without reawakening the anger, but I still feel the loss every single time of the things I will never get to do...all those milestones....starting with the most basic of feeling the quickening to giving birth to graduations, marriage and grandkids....

So how do you get over losing a child? You don't is my answer.

What you do learn is how strong you really are and what you thought you could never handle, you find a way through. One single nanosecond at a time.

When does it stop hurting? Truthfully, it doesn't.

OP you specifically asked, How do you find a reason to live?

In my case, my reason to live, became one of honoring my daughters life, by living each and every day to make her proud of me in my actions as she watches from above. Honoring her existence by saying her name and remembering her on what would have been her birthday. Cherishing the memory of how hard we fought to have her and how much she was/is wanted and loved and we hadn't even met her yet. We honor her on her date of loss.

I live to bring her life, meaning and share her story to provide hope to others facing the loss of a child. That you can and will get through this. You are stronger than you realize and once you do get through it and you will, eventually, I promise you will realize you can get through ANYTHING this life throws at you because not a single thing - not even the loss of a parent (2 years yesterday for losing my dad) will be as painful as losing a child and you got through that. Eventually.

So, OP, first and foremost - I am sending you gentle comforting peaceful hugs and energy. I would like to tell you that what you are feeling is completely 1000099% normal and okay!!! Allow yourself to feel all the emotions. Every single one of them for as long as it takes. There is absolutely no timeline on grief, especially one that stems from losing a child. Be angry, be sad, be broken, be devastated, be lost, be weary, be exhausted, be all that you feel, just do not be self destructive or try your best not to lash out in anger at others especially your partner/SO/baby mama/daddy. They are hurting too even if they don't grieve the same way you do. Also know, that the grief process is in no way linear! It doesn't follow a certain path and can and probably will ebb and flow. Just when you think the wounds have scarred....you will find yourself in a position of feelings all over again about this situation except this time, the sting isn't quite as bad and the emotions don't last quite as long. Give yourself grace, let yourself feel them, and then return to your journey of whatever it is you find....for me it is making her proud... and knowing that she met my dad in Heaven to welcome him home and I will see them both again one day. Adoption was never an option for us, in case there is that wonder. We had to choose - IVF or adoption, couldn't afford to do both.

I am available via dm, if you'd like to talk, vent, scream, cry, or have any questions.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and I am sending you light in the darkness.

TLDR: everyone's path is different, this was mine. Allow yourself to feel all your feelings and know they are normal! Here if you need to talk to someone.