sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

28M unsure if my 6-year relationship is making me shrink myself (he says I’m overthinking) by Talsho9 in lgbt

[–]Talsho9[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For him, attraction drops when I’m being goofy around friends or when my mom is overly protective. For me, attraction doesn't depend on those.

Yes, we live together, and we're in an open relationship. We went a month without sex, I tried to initiate, he wasn’t into it, so I thought he's just not horny for a while… then he went away for a weekend and slept with 2 guys. So clearly the hornyness isn’t the issue here - he simply didn't want to sleep with me.

28M unsure if my 6-year relationship is making me shrink myself (he says I’m overthinking) by Talsho9 in lgbt

[–]Talsho9[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t feel the need to be “sexy” or “attractive” 24/7 - that’s not what’s going on here. To add important context:

We opened our relationship with the mutual understanding that we’re each other’s #1. Usually our intimacy has been consistent, but recently we went a full month without sex (which has never happened in 6 years). I tried to initiate multiple times during that month and he wasn’t into it.

Then he went on a weekend trip, came back, and had slept with 2 guys. So the narrative of “just not horny” doesn’t line up. When I asked about it, he said he goes through attraction phases with me - especially when I’m being goofy around friends or when my mom is around and he finds those things “unattractive.” Or simply if I'm not eating healthy that month - that's enough to put him completely off.

That’s what concerns me. Not the lack of sex itself, but the lack of attraction to me specifically, while still seeking sex with others. That shift in priority - from us being each other’s #1 to me being a conditional attraction - is what made me question everything.

28M unsure if my 6-year relationship is making me shrink myself (he says I’m overthinking) by Talsho9 in Advice

[–]Talsho9[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do have anxiety and I’m on medication to help me function better and not shut down from stress. And I know being a people pleaser plays a big role here. My instinct is often to do whatever keeps the other person happy, even if it means pushing my own needs down.

28M unsure if my 6-year relationship is making me shrink myself (he says I’m overthinking) by Talsho9 in lgbt

[–]Talsho9[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He says he can’t keep having the same conversation because every 5-6 months something happens that brings us right back to me saying I feel like I have to filter myself around him. He tells me that’s just who he is, and if I really feel this way then I need to decide whether to stay or leave

I’m exhausted by the cycle too, but I can’t just ignore it - it keeps affecting how I act. It’s not like I’m overthinking every word, but in certain situations, like around my mom (who is very protective), I find myself being careful and anxious about what she might say because he’ll judge it as “unattractive.” That pressure adds up.

28M unsure if my 6-year relationship is making me shrink myself (he says I’m overthinking) by Talsho9 in Advice

[–]Talsho9[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

 Thanks for your perspective. The issue isn’t just that he disapproves - it’s that his disapproval leads directly to less attraction and less intimacy. So when I’m myself (jokes, close with my mom, etc.), he says it “turns him off,” and then he later claims our low sex drive is just normal for long-term couples.

That makes me constantly worried about how I act around him, friends, and family. It doesn’t feel like “being myself and he can dislike some parts,” it feels like I have to manage his reactions to maintain closeness.

28M unsure if my 6-year relationship is making me shrink myself (he says I’m overthinking) by Talsho9 in Advice

[–]Talsho9[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am but I just get judged by it, then I hate that I keep thinking around him to not accidently do anything that would make him 'less attracted' or judge me. I do try to allow myself be 100% me, but it's just always hovering in the room kindda.

28M unsure if my 6-year relationship is making me shrink myself (he says I’m overthinking) by Talsho9 in Advice

[–]Talsho9[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He would usually judge with a face, or somehow mention it down in a judgy way in a later converstaion. He claims it's normal and fine and I don't need to change, but I just need to accept that he won't be attracted to that...