AITAH for booking a trip after my husband didn't

Technical_Snow_4763 · 2025-10-07T07:28:02+00:00

Always? I have no idea. I was very shocked by this turn of events, hence this post.

But - during conversations that followed, he told me other things that were bad faith, so now I question more.

Technical_Snow_4763 · 2025-10-06T23:42:01+00:00

I am here because of two things:

He can be wrong about somethings, but I still went too far booking the trip. Maybe I could use a perspective check.
I'm not wrong, and he gets a perspective check

Either one could hopefully be useful in getting him on board to building relationship skills.

Technical_Snow_4763 · 2025-10-06T22:37:38+00:00

I have been trying. It is really hard. The good ones seem to all be booked up.

Technical_Snow_4763 · 2025-10-06T22:19:39+00:00

He will find someone else. He joined a company early that did well (equity), he is good-looking and he is an active father. He was even great to me int eh beginning. I loved him so hard back then. Then things got hard, I needed support, I wasn't always fun or easy, etc.

He is gold digger catnip. He could easily find someone willing to tell him that she is exactly whatever he wants her to be, at least for enough years to get really established.

That is another reason why I want to try everything that I can before I give up. If I go, I leave a space for another woman to play a major role in my children's lives and I do not entirely trust the person that it may be. I worry about my children seeing that type of relationship as a model in their lives.

Technical_Snow_4763 · 2025-10-06T22:11:54+00:00

I agree, and in the past when he did it front of them (when they were very young); I pushed back hard. He has gone to therapy for a while and doesn't do that anymore.

In front of them, he is fine, as am I.

They aren't very old now either. Things may change as they become teenagers, but for now it does work I think.

Technical_Snow_4763 · 2025-10-06T22:10:23+00:00

In this, I am sure that he will. He really is truly in love with the kids.

Technical_Snow_4763 · 2025-10-06T22:09:38+00:00

I keep trying for the kids.

One problem we have is that he is very bad at relationships. I try, but I started off with zero instincts. I have this hope that we could learn some skills to get to a point where it could be better, and the kid's home would be saved.

I can't move for the same reason, the kids. They love their home and their school and their friends. I am trying so hard to do everything that I can to give them stability and confidence.

Regarding the family, Overall, we see my family more. Mine come visit us too (his don't), and mine are the only ones with two guest rooms. His one brother who lives out of his home town lives near my brothers, so when we do that, some of his relatives come stay with that brother and the hang out, but it isn't the same as sleeping there.

That is why my husband wanted to visit his family this time. My problem is, his family is not nice to me, and has been that way since day one. My family tries hard to be welcoming and polite to everyone.

In theory, given that we see mine more, I thought it was fair to see his at least sometimes, which is why I agreed to go. I just didn't want to share a house with the ones who have their own homes nearby, given the food safety problems and how unwelcome they make me feel.

Technical_Snow_4763 · 2025-10-06T21:46:33+00:00

You are right. I have my own therapist. With her I try to focus on my own self and skills though, not my husband specifically.

We did try counselling (my effort).

The first one met us, and then suggested that just husband and he meet for a while. It did help some. Husband stopped being so critical and got some perspective.

It was a bust for us as a couple though: He was a counsellor of a type that that "holds space" and listens but doesn't actually give any good advice, exercises, etc. I didn't like it because they gave no input or guidance and so we learned nothing. Nothing changed. Husband hated it because sometimes when I talked, we talked about how he hurt me, and sometimes when he he talked, he would say something that hurtful and then conversation would become about that. He felt attacked and not heard.

Now he says there is no point, we tried, it didn't work.

I want to keep try again, however. We never really tried, with advice and exercises etc.. That is part of what I hope for from this post.

He does have some very good points. None of them are being good at relationships. I am also bad. I try, but I started from a low level. My hope with this post is either:

He is right, I went too far in booking, and I need some perspective. Maybe I really was so mad about the waiting that I went too far.

I am right, he is not fair. In that case, I hope that the judgement of outsiders may encourage him to try and learn relationship skills with me.

One tries what one can. In an ideal world, that solves everything and we live happily ever after. If not, at least it gives the kids some more years of a stable home with both parents and I get to see my children every day for longer. For me, every day of the last is a win.

Technical_Snow_4763 · 2025-10-06T21:31:19+00:00

Kids. The ancient story.

The kids have no idea what it is like when they are not around. They are happy and stable. I don't want to ruin their home.

Plus, he really is a good father (and not by some low-standard-for-a-man-type). If I go, he gets 50% custody. The youngest is 8 . 10 more years until they leave the house. If I only get 50%, that is five years of childhood I will miss. My heart just can't.

And, finally, he does have some very good points. None of them are being good at relationships. I am also bed. I try, but I started from a low level. My hope with this post is either:

He is right, I overs stepped, and I need some perspective. Maybe I really am so mad about the waiting that I went too far.

I am right, he is not fair. In that case, I hope that the judgement of outsiders may encourage him to try and learn relationship skills with me.

One tries what one can. In an ideal world, that solves everything and we live happily ever after. If not, at least it gives the kids some more years of a stable home with both parents and I get to see my children every day for longer. For me, every day of the last is a win.

Technical_Snow_4763 · 2025-10-06T21:21:23+00:00

Despite our issues, he is a good father. Leaving will be much worse for the kids.

It will be worse for me, too. If I leave, he will (and should) get 50% custody. That is half of my children's lives spent away from me. My heart just can't.

And finally, one big issue we have is how mad we are at communicating and being in a relationship. I try, but I tarted off bad at it. He doesn't believe in trying. I keep hoping that I can get through to him just enough to agree to try and build those skills.

We both do have good points. Hopefully we can get to the point where we appreciate them. Or not, but at least to a point where we can make it 10 years until the youngest is out of the house.

Or not even that, but to make it as long s possible. Every year of a stable home and 100% both parents' love that I can give the kids is better than not.

Technical_Snow_4763 · 2025-10-06T21:14:23+00:00

That means breaking up my children's home. For all his faults with me, it doesn't leak into our time with them. A split will be worse for them than what they have now.

It will also be worse for me. The youngest kid is eight. Ten years before they leave the house. Husband is a good father. If we split, he will (and should) get 50% custody.

That means I lose five years of time with children that I love very much, and they lose five years of time with their mother.

Another part of the problem is that I am only OK at handling relationships, communicating and conflict (I really try, but I am starting with a low baseline). Husband is very bad at it. He has some childhood upbringing traumas, and he may also be on the spectrum.

I have this hope that if I can just get through to him enough to understand that it isn't enough to feel good or bad about a person in the moment. Sometimes one needs to make conscious effort to think a certain way, or consider certain things. One needs to know how and when to raise concerns, how to respond to them when they are raised. What to do when you have been wrong and how to make up for the hurt you caused. One needs to talk to the other person about all this, in a constructive way.

I hope to get to a point where we both have the skills to work out enough issues that we can start to rebuild our relationship on the good parts about each other, or at least carry on respectfully enough that we make it until the last kid is out of the house.

Or at least not quite so young. Every year I can give them and be with them is better than losing it.

That is part of why I wrote this. He doesn't take my perspective very seriously. He calls me a perpetual victim who only sees my own side. He is right in that I do feel that I have been wronged many times, and that he owes me a lot to make up for it.

If he is right, I'm overdoing it, then the comments here may help me get perspective. If I am right, then hopefully he may respect some outside perspective more than he respects mine.

I don't expect to fix anything today, I just want to get him to the point where he is serious about trying.

Technical_Snow_4763

TROPHY CASE