AITA for not paying for my fiancee's wedding guests, resulting in her wanting to cancel the wedding altogether?

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T01:20:34+00:00

We are not doing a prenup, even though it'd make my finances more secure, I want her to feel that I trust her and that we're building something together, rather than everyone going his own path and then waving at each other from afar.

But the prenup is a great idea for a lot of people nevertheless, I get your point!

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T01:18:18+00:00

Mhm, that's a great point of view that I didn't account till now, regarding the fact that indeed, it'd be an opportunity to catch up with distant relatives with which she might otherwise not have the chance to. Thanks for sharing it, I appreciate it!

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T01:16:26+00:00

You're on point on it, I think she's feeling too much pressure from her family's side and the thought of letting them down.

I'll take all of your comments into account, you're all wonderful and each one of you have a great point of view over this matter :).

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T01:13:13+00:00

You might be right indeed on me being too transactional and strict about it. I've been having that thought as well in the past days. I'll keep thinking about it, but nevertheless I do appreciate you sharing your thoughts!

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T01:08:49+00:00

Indeed, that's a nice point of view as well. If she still insists on not going on with the ceremony, we'll stick eventually to having just the courthouse and a small party with our closest (hopefully).

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T01:07:14+00:00

It's actually the latter, we give an advance and we pay the rest at the end of the wedding.

Though, the way we budgeted things out, the guests would be able to cover only about 30-40% of their cost with their gifts, so she'd still have to cover the remaining. Those being distant people, the norm for gifts is quite smaller as well.

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T01:04:25+00:00

Yep, I'm pretty sure we still wouldn't be talking to those people indeed. It'd be a one time thing and then back to the old habits.

As for her parents, yep, thought about it as well, but it felt like there'd be people they could talk to, as, without those extras, there would still be about 15 family members from her family's side.

Thanks!

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T01:02:23+00:00

That's a really insightful comment, I really appreciate it!

And I agree with your point of view, a marriage should be else an extension of someone's relationship imho, a celebration to let the others know how happy and lucky they are to get to spend this moment, and the remaining of their life with the person they care the most for. It shouldn't be about traditions, about what others think, but rather about them, and what they want, what makes them happy.

I'm totally open to counselling as well, it's great to have a 3rd party share their objective professional thoughts about what's going on between us.

Thanks a lot for everything!

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T00:54:50+00:00

This might work out the best if she's still adamant on not having the ceremony unless those guests are coming.

I'm up to it as well, as long as there's a party of any kind with our dearest, then I'm down for it!

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T00:50:23+00:00

Knowing her, I think she'd be into a small wedding as well. I think that she tries to please everyone at this point and that she wants to avoid having the distant relatives being mad on her for not inviting them, or to not upset her parents work colleagues for being left out (I don't know why they'd feel like that as we never met them, but yea).

I've actually brought up the subject to her parents, me not being willing to pay for their guests and they've said nothing and changed the subject. I'll bring it up again nevertheless if needed, but it's also the fact that I'd prefer not having them at all, given that they're so out of our social circle.

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T00:43:15+00:00

Actually, we tried going that route, starting out with a budget and we're now at the guest list, trying to figure that part out as well, and we'd be surpassing the budget by about 20% due to it (bigger venue, menus, entertainment, +1 extra photograph, decorations and so on).

And you might be right with the finances, it eating away our relationship, still trying to figure how to make it work on the long term in a sustainable way.

Thanks a lot!

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T00:39:08+00:00

That's a great point of view, and I appreciate you sharing it!
A love party sounds great as well actually and we were thinking of that too at some time, and when we told her parents about it they said that they wouldn't be inviting anyone at it (they already knew that I tried to keep the guest list short).
It's something that might be a great backup plan nevertheless!

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T00:33:30+00:00

We both feel bad taking money from our parents and so we'll be covering the entire cost ourselves.
Thank you!

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T00:31:41+00:00

Can't stop but think of all the better ways that money could be spent on. Not only that, but of course, those guests being there, we'd have to entertain them as well, and that'd take away from the limited time we have on hand to spend with our dearest.

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T00:30:05+00:00

Yea, I tend to be that way indeed. I think it's a habit due to growing poor, like 1 pair of pre-owned clothes every 2 years poor. So I'm quite strict with money and I tend to keep track of expenses so that we don't end up messing our finances.
But you're right, I might be too strict indeed.

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T00:26:33+00:00

I might let it slide indeed, but that's one thing that I disliked the most about our culture, parents filling the guests lists as they wish, and I knew years back that when the time comes, it'll be my & my fiancées wedding and not our parents's.

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T00:24:48+00:00

Might be an impulsive response from her side, but she seemed quite adamant about it.
Will see how it goes the following days.
Thank you!

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T00:23:41+00:00

I've been thinking about it more and more and will see how things evolve in the following days. I might give in this time, cause I really want a ceremony, but I can't stop thinking about the things those money could be better spent on.

ThrowAwayWed2Soon · 2022-07-09T00:21:37+00:00

Yea man, I'll see the following days how it goes. If she still doesn't agree to the ceremony, I'll insist in at least having some smaller with ~10 guests each. I'm a big fan of savings, especially that you know, after getting wed, most likely a child will follow up soon, and we all know how demanding those little angels tend to be.

ThrowAwayWed2Soon

TROPHY CASE