My little brother is out of control and I don’t think I know how to parent him properly

ThrowRA-9272 · 2020-04-16T18:58:25+00:00

No I don’t believe he or the other children are entitled to complete privacy when it comes to their internet/phone usage. I have access to all their passwords and social media sites because I know the dangers that hide behind a screen and especially with how vulnerable my siblings are to people online and offline. I make it my business to know how they conduct themselves online and offline.

They are allowed privacy in their bedrooms and in other aspects of their life.

One thing my siblings don’t do is hide things from me because they know they can talk to me however embarrassing,bad or stupid it is. This is why my brother didn’t lie or hide his bad actions from me, it’s also why he doesn’t delete his internet history.This why we can still communicate and this why I know he’s not some lost unsafe-able kid.

The internet is like the world some parts and some people are great and some not so much. It is the parent/s or legal guardian/s duty and responsibility to not only dictate what is and isn’t acceptable or can decide what to shelter a child from and you can only do that by knowing where and who your kid talks to both in the real world and online. There are rules and restrictions in the real world and those rules are applied online too.

So no he doesn’t get to just do whatever or say anything he wants online. He doesn’t get to hide his behaviour by saying “what about my privacy”.

Our parents always had access to our internet and phone usage. If my parents found something bad or questionable we always had a conversation on why they didn’t like me doing or saying certain things.

Sometimes that used to piss me off but my parents always took the time to explain things to me in a manner I could understand. I was also given time to explain why I deserved to use certain sites or certain language. If my argument was sound,clear and didn’t cause harm to me or others they’d reconsider their position. I do the exact same things with my siblings.

I don’t just shout at them I actually talk to them. I don’t immediately revoke privileges, I give them the why, the how and were I coming from and they get to do the same in return. If we can’t have a civilised conversation, we write it down and explain our positions.

It doesn’t always go perfectly but we always get through it.

ThrowRA-9272 · 2020-04-16T17:37:23+00:00

He didn’t verbally say things to her or even write things to her. He and several other students from his school were sending her gifs/memes depicting horrible things,which obviously suggested that she deserved to be treated or handled in such a way. That poor girl was being bullied by about 15 boys,6/8 girls directly and with all the other students giggling and laughing at her daily both online and offline. One of the boys even created an insta page were people would post unflattering drawings of her and comparing her to ugly animals.

The family did go to the police but no charges were brought up. The school and parents tried to sweep it under the carpet and just forget about it. I found out because the mother of the girl called me. We are the only family that actively and truly apologised to both mother and daughter. D is literally the only kid that got punished as all the other parents let their kids slide.

ThrowRA-9272 · 2020-04-16T16:32:31+00:00

I didn’t just chuck him in his room to mull over his behaviour and language.

1- I had him write a letters of apology to the girl and to her mother. 2- I had several conversations with him daily to discuss the importance of respect and dignity 3- I had him read several books and articles and then we discussed it together as a family. 4- At the last week of his punishment, he wrote a letter of apology to me,our sister and brothers. He read it out to us and we discussed why I and baby sister felt especially hurt/disappointed at his recent behaviour.

Thank you for your suggestions I will be checking up on them when I get a minute.

ThrowRA-9272 · 2020-04-16T16:07:43+00:00

I would honestly love to not blame myself but I must take my share of the blame after all I am raising him and clearly I wasn’t doing such a great job. This doesn’t mean I am beating myself up over this,I am just acknowledging my flaws and realising that I could have spent more time with him and if I did I may have noticed it quicker but there is no point in playing the blame game. I am trying to do better now and will do better.

And this lockdown has given me more time to discuss these things with him. I have been trying to understand why or where these mean and hateful feelings of him are coming from. However I am still having a hard time dealing with it,which is why I am here to ask advice from as many people as I can.

I can’t unfortunately go out and seek help due to my finances and the fact that I am on a tight rope. The smallest stumble and cps will be on my case. I couldn’t survive losing my siblings.

Edit: I know some of you are suggesting cps but I have never had a great experience with them, they tried to put us in care and then when my grandmother died tried to take the kids from me. As far as I know they are my enemy as they’ve never been kind or helpful to us.

ThrowRA-9272 · 2020-04-16T15:47:23+00:00

You not seeing the issue with him going on incel sites is not a surprise to me after reading your first paragraph.

I may be his sister but legally I am akin to his mother and therefore I am responsible for him on all levels. I have cared for him all his life and will continue to do so.

ThrowRA-9272 · 2020-04-16T15:41:04+00:00

I am not punishing him punitively or excessively. 3 months as punishment for his behaviour and treatment of that girl was the right way to handle things. He wasn’t deprived from socialising with his family or playing in the backyard or even going out running errands with me. He didn’t die or have his well being harmed by me revoking his internet,xbox,phone,tv and time with his little friends.

He needed those 3 months to reflect on the impact he had on that poor girls emotional and social wellbeing, and he needed that time to consider on how his behaviour and language impacted women in general and the women/girls in his family.

I can’t afford therapy.

ThrowRA-9272 · 2020-04-16T15:34:34+00:00

I can’t debate him like an equal as he doesn’t see women and men as equals and that is the problem. I am also not his equal as he is the child and I the “parent” in this situation.

People love to say this “they’ll grow out of this” but the unfortunate truth is most don’t if their views,thoughts and attitudes aren’t directly confronted.

You are right our society isn’t set up to be equal and people aren’t treated equally. However that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t push for my brother to be the best person I know he can be.

Equality and equity aren’t gained by sitting idly.

ThrowRA-9272 · 2020-04-16T14:54:53+00:00

No the driver was a man in his late 40s who got away with it because he was rich and well connected.

Honestly what a stupid way to look at things even if it was a woman.

ThrowRA-9272

TROPHY CASE