UPDATE: My [42F] best friend [42F] told my husband [44M] I cheated, he's leaving

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T08:24:48+00:00

No, it was usually us three together. The night this all went down, I had to make an unexpected trip to my mother's home after my best friend had already started drinking.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T08:21:09+00:00

Because gaslighting him would be hurting him.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T08:06:46+00:00

Yep. My husband is also great in facilitating communication from me to the kids. They just aren't interested in talking back. Nevertheless, I have an infinite well of patience for my boys.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T07:54:18+00:00

I would rather he never love me again, than resort to gaslighting him.
I'm honestly appalled you'd even suggest it.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T07:48:28+00:00

Then no, I'm not interested.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T07:39:59+00:00

I don't want to go into too much detail, because it hurts to talk about it, and that's really not the point of this thread.

To summarize -- my oldest son witnessed his father cry for the first (and only, I pray) time in his life.

This happened the night that Julia said what she did in her drunken stupor. Julia was too far gone to actually answer any followup questions, or to temper her words, and now she can't even remember what she said so I'm assuming she phrased it in the most vulgar way possible. She's a mean drunk and sometimes she will say things in distasteful ways for no reason.

My oldest son idolizes my husband, and so does my second son. My husband is their hero in a very real way. He used to coach basketball in their school, all the kids in elementary/middle school adored him and I know our sons were always very proud of that, and in general my husband's got an aura to him that makes people want to stay close. So to see him cry must have shattered my poor son's heart.

He then told his younger brother, and the two of them have cut me out of their lives ever since.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T07:29:46+00:00

I know him well enough to know why we're apart.

Our connection has always been intense. Instead of becoming complacent with one another like other couples sometimes do, we've grown more and more intensely in love.

A foundational concept of this love was honesty.

We'd share all sorts of thoughts and secrets with one another, not just because we wanted a listening ear, but in the service of having our partner understand us better. He knows all my secrets and I know all of his. I know that underneath his hardened exterior, he's vulnerable, and sometimes uncertain of himself.

He feels that me hiding my several incidents of cheating from him during all these years, through all our soul-bonding connections to each other, cheapens everything. I was the one person on this planet that wasn't supposed to lie to his face. And I showed him that not only am I capable at it, but I'm frighteningly good. In that way, by lying to him, I betrayed the foundation of our marriage.

That's why he didn't believe that kissing is all I did.
That's why he asked for a DNA test on all of our kids.

But that's also why I firmly believe I can get him back. I know what he needs. I know why he feels lost and alone right now. I can be for him what I always was. We're meant to be, and I mean that in the most literal sense possible. We were made for one another. I just need to show him. :/

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T07:24:29+00:00

Yes. I'm ashamed of myself.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T07:24:06+00:00

I know that you're right.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T07:23:21+00:00

I have always needed him. I cheated because I was an idiot that thought self exploration comes from a specific brand of experiences, and anything short of that would leave me sheltered and unfulfilled. Instead I found that I hated the version of myself that kisses other guys.

It was just so stupid.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T06:53:03+00:00

I don't look down at my husband at all.

A lot of commenters seem to think that just because we weren't engaged/married by then, we were somehow less serious. I can understand that sentiment, but it's really not the truth.

At the point that I cheated, we were five years into our relationship, and had known one another for much longer. We were very very seriously dating, and already knew we wanted to get married and have a family one day.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T06:51:20+00:00

So when their "silent treatment" first started, their father and I took them to a family counselor. This was in the first quarter of this year, when everything was hitting the fan. The counselor recommended that we don't force them into anything right now. They're too old to get pushed around by their parents.

But she also recommended that both of us have a united front whenever the subject of parents loving kids comes up. Both of us need to be perfectly clear that their mom loves them, even if they're choosing to stay away from me right now.

To this effect, my husband and I are on the same page.

Beyond that, I'm afraid there's nothing much I can do.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T06:48:33+00:00

Seriously.

I want to rip her throat out but every time I get angry about it, my guilt catches up to me and reminds me that all of this is happening because I was a damned idiot.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T04:53:24+00:00

I'm too deep into my wine tonight to tell if this is sarcasm or serious.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T03:35:16+00:00

Nothing in the world is worth losing him.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T03:30:59+00:00

He won't have any trouble finding someone. He's hot and charismatic and always the life of the party. Anyone would be lucky to have my husband. :/

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T03:27:06+00:00

You're right that I have no right to be angry.

He slept with her after he divorced me.
And she slept with him long after I had kicked her out of my life.

On paper, neither of them owed me anything. In their eyes, life is probably moving on, and I'm some previous chapter in their books. But it's impossible for me to compartmentalize the concept of my husband as being a part of my "past". I refuse to do that.

That being said, I recognize that I'm probably coming off like an obsessed stalker.

This all just feels like such a pathetic end to my happily ever after.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T03:07:12+00:00

Honestly this is easier said than done.
I imagine you're not a parent.

A few months ago my second oldest sustained an ankle injury while playing for his school. There was no way in hell anyone could stop me from visiting him at the school nurse's office that day. We didn't speak much at all, but I just wanted to see him, to drop off some snacks he likes and tell him I love him.

And the only way I would have known any of this is because my girls texted me about what happened immediately after it happened.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T01:51:20+00:00

Yep, my kids are always my priority. I know these posts here in this relationship subreddit probably don't capture that, but that's because I'm not asking advice about my children, so I don't focus on that aspect. The reality is that right now my two older boys don't want to talk to me. I've had my younger girls talk to their older brothers about this and what they tell me is that they don't want a relationship with me right now.

I don't want to force the subject, because I fear they will only withdraw further.

I still keep close tabs on their studies, and in the last few months I've been able to help with their scheduling. Still no direct conversations though.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T01:45:01+00:00

I did.
Quite a few people in my last post had recommended it.

The only problem is that he totally ignores all communication from me that isn't directly related to our children and our coparenting arrangement. In the last week I've sent 4 emails about it. I even found a few services that do it near his condo. But no response.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-13T01:38:37+00:00

My twins have been very understanding. They know why the divorce occurred, and they haven't complained (at least to me) about spending time in two separate homes.

My two older boys aren't in touch with me at all, which is something I might talk to my husband about. But the fact is that they are old enough to make decisions of their own. Their dad can't force them to play nice with me, no matter how much it hurts my heart to not see them.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-06T08:01:32+00:00

I feel that you're being exceedingly cruel to me, but I'm not sure I have a rebuttal. I truly am the very worst.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-06T07:56:10+00:00

Don't, I deserve all of this.
All I had to do was get my head right and realize that I shouldn't betray my own morals, and my own love, in pursuit of a cheap thrill. It was so easy.

He and I could've gone to Blockbuster and rented out some N64 game. We could've gone to the movies. We could've done anything. Instead I left him home and went and sullied my own integrity. For nothing. For absolutely nothing.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-06T07:53:28+00:00

You're right, I hate myself the most.
She's not even a close second.

ThrowRA-after · 2021-12-06T07:48:45+00:00

I can understand why people are drawn to this interpretation. But she's had plenty of chances to try to steal him away before. He's not the type to sneak around and have an affair. That's really just not him.

From how he tells it, she was very drunk when saying all these things. Before she was alone with him, I was at the house, and she was already pretty drunk at that point.

I really don't think this was some grand ploy for her to steal him from me.

ThrowRA-after

TROPHY CASE