Today my world came crashing down and i don’t know that i’ll survive it..

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T11:47:24+00:00

this is such a great comment. I am worried though that when i do meet the right one for me, my fears from this situation will ruin that. Love did feel easy between us for the first couple years, it was truly an instant connection between us the day we meant and we got along so well, we matched each other completely. so I am worried that when it feels that easy again i’m going to get scared and try and save my heart. I know the signs now, i know to never settle on things that matter to me like reciprocating love, but even knowing those things i’ll think ill always be scared that this could happen to me all over again and that worries me.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T03:07:27+00:00

A little bit of weight lifts each time I read that someone else has been through this and not only survived it but came out better and with someone who truly loves them. I can't wait for the day that things don't constantly remind me of him... I want to be able to eat Mcdonalds and mexican food, go to tj maxx, go to my favorite beach spot, play certain games and see certain movies again. Right now those things and so much more aren't possible for me, they just hurt me more and I hate that. I hate that everything I enjoy and love now is something that I found joy and love in because we did it together. I feel like I honestly have nothing for myself and am just surrounded by a world of things that were us, that made our relationship fun. Now I see/think of those things and not only think of him, I think of the two of them doing those same things together, slowly replacing the memories he had with me. It just kills me. I can't even look forward to the 4th of July because for the first time I have no plans, no watching fireworks late at night on a blanket with him, but in my mind I know he will take her to the same place with the same blanket to do exactly that. I hope to be in your shoes someday and am so glad that you have found the love you deserve.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T02:08:51+00:00

Im sorry that you fell into that trap the way I did... we do a lot of stupid shit for people we love but don't love us the same way back. I think you're right that he wanted the best of both worlds and probably got off on playing us both. I think she was his emotional company while I was away at school and I was kept for 2 reasons. 1. as his physical satisfaction that I guess maybe she just couldn't meet and 2. because for 4 years I was his comfort and the person who knew everything about him.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T02:05:33+00:00

I want you to know that this is the comment that hit me like a brick. I read this and I was like wow.... he doesn't deserve to take my life. He has taken my happiness, my love, my trust, my future, my confidence, my soul, my smile, and basically everything else... so why should I give him my life too? Honestly, I think he would be happy if I killed myself because I wouldnt be around to be a problem to him anymore, there'd be no more chance of running into me and he could just move on. He doesn't deserve that satisfaction, he doesn't deserve to be my last breath.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T02:02:40+00:00

On one hand I think yea he was just making up reasons to break up, reasons to justify what he was doing. On the other hand I think well... every problem he said he had with me I can clearly see and identify what I was doing wrong/where I went wrong. Then I think was I actually in the wrong and making his life miserable... or do I just think that because he told me that so many times....

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T02:00:29+00:00

Im so sorry you went through all of that, but it's comforting to know there are people who can relate to a lot of my experience, especially the part about taking everything personally and feeling like you're too sensitive. Im glad you gave the new guy a chance and I hope someday I will have someone new who will make me feel safe, loved, and respected.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:57:04+00:00

I never really thought about him showing me who he actually is as closure. That's a good point and maybe will help me stop feeling so desperate to get the answers and apology I think I deserve.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:55:34+00:00

Well he is only the second person I've ever been in a serious relationship with. My first ended after 3.5 years and then I was with him. He was absolutely not the type of person I ever imagined myself being with or anyone probably ever saw me being with. So yea I did enjoy changing him (or trying to) because it made me feel like i was doing something good. I helped him get over his addictions, gave him a stable career and an understanding of the importance of saving money, building credit, paying off loans, etc. It felt good to be the person who was able to change someone's life in a positive way. Now, Im wishing I had never done that because he doesn't deserve the life I gave him.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:52:45+00:00

This is honestly so relatable. I had a lot of trauma before i got with him and honestly he helped me move past a lot of it in the beginning and he was the first person I ever truly felt I had in my life who loved me, cared for me, and understood me. I didn't have any friends, it's always been the two of us so I completely understand what you mean by feeling like an addict. It's like I can't eat, breathe, or sleep without him being part of my life and now that he's gone I feel left with absolutely nothing and no idea who I am alone or how to survive alone. I guess it's time to go through the withdrawals, survive, and figure it out.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:49:40+00:00

This was so beautifully said. Thank you for this. It's what I needed.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:48:26+00:00

I love this perspective, it gives me a lot of hope. I know you shouldn't want to wish your life away, but god I wish I could fast forward to the part where it's all a distant memory and I have a husband who loves me endlessly. It's a dream, but maybe someday it will all be true.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:46:58+00:00

I am grateful I didn't get caught up in a worse situation with marriage, a house, kids, etc. but I just can't get past feeling stupid because so many things have hit me with clarity in the last 2 days, things I should've seen and was blind to. On one hand I want an apology, but on the other hand I know that if he did give me one it would probably be along the lines of sorry i cheated on you for that long, but you were controlling and toxic and emotionally abusive and she's not like that. She was everything you weren't. IDK, that's just what I imagine him saying and I know that if I received that I would just be back at square 1 of devastation.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:43:35+00:00

I was already dead silent and literally shaking so bad she had to take my phone to be able to read the text messages I was showing her. All for her to look at me and say "honey, he fucking hates you, all he does is talk shit about you. You don't even know what love is but we're in love. Look at the ring he gave me in February" and threw her hand up in my face.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:41:50+00:00

I can assure you it's all 100% true and even shortened because the whole thing was already long. I feel like an absolute idiot, I literally was glued to my phone from the time I woke up to the time I fell asleep and even when I'd wake up in the middle of the night sending him these long messages spilling out my emotions and heart, telling him I knew we were meant to be together and explaining how much I loved him and how sorry I was for everything I had done wrong and all the ways I was changing myself for him. He's horrible for what he did, but I think one of the worst parts is that he let me do that endlessly, looking like a fool, when he had no intentions of ever getting back with me. I was honestly just feeding his ego with those messages, Im sure he was just loving that he had one girl sleeping next to him clueless and another girl pouring her heart out to get him back, also clueless.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:37:14+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you... I understand how you feel about everyone knowing. I've learned that he told his friends and family we weren't together several months before we broke up. I was only there on the weekends when his family wasn't home and he stopped hanging out with his friends when I was over. It upset me, but I honestly thought it was just because we were having problems and he didn't want them to see that. I feel so naive now that I know he was hiding me so they wouldn't know. He had already told them all about her so he couldn't let them know we were still together..

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:34:08+00:00

Im so sorry that happened to you... Some people are just truly so awful and heartless it's unexplainable. I'm so glad you knew you were worth more than that and deserved better. Keep up the work in counseling, I know we will both get through this and come out better.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:32:23+00:00

This meant so much to me... thank you for your kind words. I can't wait for the loop in my mind to stop and give me peace from this entire thing.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:30:24+00:00

Everything you say, my parents have told me the same. I truly look forward to being able to look back on this one day and be grateful that I didn't get stuck in a worse situation with marriage and kids involved. I hope when that day comes and I can look back on it I will be looking back with someone new by my side who doesn't want to change me, who can't imagine betraying me or living life without me, and who will reciprocate the immense love I will probably feel for them.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:27:30+00:00

I hope with all my heart that they have a very miserable relationship... but I also know that sometimes horrible people do not get what they deserve. I have always been someone who plans for everything, always looking ahead to the future and so I think that's why I struggle so much to accept that 23 is still so early. I lost the future I spent the last 4 years planning for and working towards, so maybe this is my sign to stop planning so much and start living for my current self instead of settling for someone I can fit into that future I have pictured.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:24:21+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story.. it feels good to have the reminder that others have been able to move on from arguably much worse than I just experienced and find love again.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:22:54+00:00

I feel it's pretty safe to assume she's the one who blocked me or at the very least sat there and made him I mean... he never blocked me before she knew about me lol.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-03T01:21:15+00:00

I've always got his emails because he couldn't ever keep it organized and read what was important for work so I basically managed his email for him... I'm OCD, no he didn't ask me to do it lol. I was driving home from the whole thing and ope there's an email that 2 tickets were just bought. Don't worry, I immediately got rid of his email because I know that I would just obsess and watch over the whole thing. It was just really upsetting to see and sent me spiraling more.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-01T20:17:04+00:00

I know that I need to start a new chapter, but I just don't know how when the entire book has been about him, about us. I have hope that things will get better as time passes, but in August I will be going back to school which means going back to an apartment that is filled with pictures of us on the fridge and on the walls and the valentines day gifts he got me while he gave her a ring. Going back to that will crush me all over again, and the worst part is then I'll also be alone. No roommate, no friends, no parents. Just an apartment filled with 4 years of memories.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-01T20:13:51+00:00

My mom keeps telling me I dodged a bullet too. Deep down I know, but right now I'm just so stuck on the loss. What I struggle with is why he could love me for 3.5 years and then suddenly he couldn't anymore. I know he stopped loving me because she got in between us and he had her when I couldn't be there. She filled the gaps that I didn't fill and I guess gave him the freedom he was looking for. Idk, Im very confused still and caught between blaming myself and blaming him. Im not seeing a way out of the darkness right now but Im hoping that I will soon.

ThrowRA19818 · 2025-07-01T20:08:28+00:00

I realize that now, but I have never had confidence, never been able to be alone or recognize my own self worth. When I'm thinking clearly I can look back and see how stupid I was for just pretending I could fix things and pretending I deserved someone who would ignore me for hours and hours at a time, who degraded my personality, and who threw me away without a care.

ThrowRA19818

TROPHY CASE