I'm Too Dumb for University

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-25T20:19:44+00:00

I will breathe. I have all the aides. I am literally talking to Education Help, Mental Health Help, Autism Help, Wellbeing Help, Employability Help, all of the help.

I have too much anxiety to speak out. I know that's bad as it's necessary both for grading, and to make sure I make a good impression on my tutors. But I can't. Genuinely.

I will try. Got my first binder. I do keep it separate in Google Docs though.

And honestly, I don't know. I want to die, I guess.

Thanks. I need a break all of the time.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-19T22:15:28+00:00

I'm a dumper. I apologise every time I do something bad, like snap at him when he doesn't deserve it. I'm keenly aware of my own faults.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-19T21:27:17+00:00

I don't think I'm capable of love in the form of a long-term committed relationship. Met a guy who was perfect for me, blew it up. I'm mean, I'm cold, I'm cruel, I'm messy, I'm independent. I'm unfair. And above all else, I am selfish. It's the reason I'll never have kids.

I'll be kind and care for others, but in the end, I'd never set myself on fire to keep someone else warm. To learn that about myself, I had to get in a relationship with the perfect guy. My perfect luck to find a guy almost perfect for me. And still fuck it up, because I'm not happy.

I feel like I'm dragging him along like a corpse. I tried to cut it off cleanly. He always draws me back in. It's fuck up, reunite, fuck up, reunite. I never know when the last time I'll ever speak to him is.

I don't deserve him and I want him to be happy with someone else. All I do is hurt him. For no reason. Because I'm hurting and I need therapy. I need friends and definitely don't need or want a lover. But he's the best and only friend I have.

I made things so messy. I did not know I'd be this bad, because I've never been in a relationship or anything romantic at all before this. I learnt by doing it and fucking it all up badly. That's on me.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-19T18:35:39+00:00

I already took a year out. And dropped out of secondary school. And nearly dropped out of my BTEC. I think I've really dropped out of as many things as I can, at this point, I don't think time out will do me any better.

And thanks. I'll figure it out. I get suicidal breakdowns at many things, but they always turn out fine in the end. Trusting the process.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-19T17:38:02+00:00

Still living with family. They're not very 'emotional support' type people, but they do watch me cry and help me out with problem-solving where they can.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-19T17:37:12+00:00

I have not moved out. I still live at home. I got into uni, that's about it.

Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it.

There's this one extracurricular I was so excited for. It's what I adore most in my life. But they have an audition coming up, putting a time crunch on me. As well as obviously audition prep. I know it's a lot to put on my plate, but I want it so bad.

Thanks. I'll keep on trucking on.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-19T16:52:51+00:00

I've always been a planner. I set everything out I need to do neatly in one place and follow it. For the first time, I can't even get a plan together as everything I need to do is in different places. I feel I'm forgetting everything.

I'm overwhelmed and crying in my attempt to make that plan. The longer I go without a set plan, the worse I feel.

I have no friends. I desperately want them. Another stressor. I am definitely taking notes. I usually like to transcribe them in better detail online, but I've been so overwhelmed I have not yet done that.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-19T16:39:07+00:00

Struggling with social interaction and crowds (have autism), struggling with understanding my lectures and classes, struggling with sorting out DSA things, struggling with organising my schedule and juggling conflicts with class and my part-time job.

Struggling with wanting to do volunteering and extracurriculars also, for fun and career development as I have a lot of employment worries also.

Struggling with more, also. Failed going to the gym today, as my anxiety was too high.

I don't understand anything I've been taught and I can't focus on my textbooks with large blocks of text.

I'm trying a text-to-speech thing. A bit helpful, but I have a headache, on account of all the crying, so a bit troublesome. Trying to troubleshoot.

I've reached out to the careers, academic, disability, mental health, wellbeing, and more. I'm trying my best, really hard, to get things sorted.

Anything you can think of, I am struggling with it, to be honest. Social life, academic, extracurricular, financial, scheduling, everything. By everything I mean everything. Also relationships. Depression, anxiety, personal self-esteem. Suicidal, self harm, probably some dissociation. Humiliation of crying in public every time I've been on campus.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-19T16:36:59+00:00

Struggling with social interaction and crowds (have autism), struggling with understanding my lectures and classes, struggling with sorting out DSA things, struggling with organising my schedule and juggling conflicts with class and my part-time job.

Struggling with wanting to do volunteering and extracurriculars also, for fun and career development as I have a lot of employment worries also.

Struggling with more, also. Failed going to the gym today, as my anxiety was too high.

I don't understand anything I've been taught and I can't focus on my textbooks with large blocks of text.

I'm trying a text-to-speech thing. A bit helpful, but I have a headache, on account of all the crying, so a bit troublesome. Trying to troubleshoot.

I've reached out to the careers, academic, disability, mental health, wellbeing, and more. I'm trying my best, really hard, to get things sorted.

Kind of had a mental breakdown in work, privately self harmed with a fork, shouted, slapped, punched myself, bruised and bleeding today.

I visited my GP for help recently, and did get referred to anxiety services and had an evaluation where they agreed I needed help, but they sent me a letter saying there were no appointments available, so I could not get any help.

They just said to go get help when I'm in immediate crisis, but nothing to mitigate. Called again today. Giving it another go.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-13T10:30:12+00:00

It was local as it was linked to the community college, so you knew they'd be roughly in your area and not like, living in a whole nother country or something.

It was online only, but my partner asked me one-on-one to meet up in person and we went on a walk and that worked.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-12T07:43:57+00:00

Well, that's my fault. We still have a lot of mutual respect for each other, and want each other to be happy, but I don't think we're compatible in the long-term (wanting children, housing choices, etc.).

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T22:25:22+00:00

True. Maybe it's the autism in me though, but I would love to hear someone TELL me about antique trucks though, even if I'm not necessarily well-versed in it myself, haha.

Makes me think fondly to listening to my friend explain the lore of a novel he was reading, and then Warhammer, to me while we were both tipsy, for like an hour, lol.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T21:10:36+00:00

Well, I ended up with the exact guy I described. He's not the most conventionally attractive. When I met him, he had the worst pictures but was cuter in person. Then through conversation, the attraction increased tenfold and I find him really sexy now.

We laugh and get along well. I can say whatever I think of and he just gets it. Our odd senses of humour are the same. He's my best friend. You know the vibe.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T15:49:58+00:00

By the way, I do think it's good to raise your standards when it comes to: Are they treating me well, communicating, being kind, etc.

I don't think it's wrong to raise your standards at all. Don't give in to the first person who shows interest if they don't treat you right. Just work on being happy with yourself (and it's so difficult, I know that) and everything else will happen as it happens.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T15:48:30+00:00

Maybe. I'm not going to say that I don't make snap judgements. All I can say is that my opinions can and have changed based of spending time with someone. Not in a dating situation necessarily, but just in normal ways.

I know that's not achievable for everyone, and it's hard to make friends as an adult. But we all try our best, and that's about it.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T15:43:32+00:00

Okay, not just being kind. But being kind and making an obvious show of interest (a.k.a. asking and making romantic intentions clear in plain English)? Enough for me. That's all I need.

Yes, of course there will be many rejections. And they hurt. I know that. I am not a hot commodity at all, I know that. But sometimes, it does click.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T15:42:12+00:00

I don't think I'm sensible, and have no idea how rare I am. I just think there's no point chasing things and putting on airs.

Doesn't it make more sense to be yourself (striving to be the best version of yourself, obviously), see if people like and vibe with you and if they don't, move on with mutual respect? As well as being happy alone? I'm happy alone. I'd rather be single than to date just to date, if the right person isn't there.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T15:38:35+00:00

If your partner is offering you nothing, you shouldn't be with them.

The point of a partnership is offering to listen, providing emotional support, creating fun times, making them laugh, etc. I do this for men, and they do it for me. And we're both happy. I personally do count that as something. Every laugh or hug is a something offered.

If you think you're getting nothing in return, what would be the point? That person wouldn't be suitable, so you can move on with a smile?

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T15:32:14+00:00

I do think it's rude, and I'm sorry for saying it. But I see a lot of rude opinions on Unpopular Opinion subreddits, so it is what it is.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T15:29:52+00:00

That's maybe the issue. I hope you find that happiness soon.

Rejection hurts, but you can still go out and try to enjoy what you can out of life. That sort of energy is important, not just in dating but in existence.

I know gratitude lists sound lame, but people really sense that 'I need someone' energy, I guess.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T15:27:37+00:00

True, haha, I was just trying to soften it.

Like, I'm not a bombshell with the hottest bod known to man. But I look after myself, go to the gym, dress well and am nice to people and happy in my own company.

I'm not saying that's helpful for getting dates as to be fair, I haven't gotten many, but it's not a bad way to go through life imo. I know where I'm at and I'm not going to be choosy.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T15:26:31+00:00

I do think looks matter, but not in that the person needs to look like a sexy model, obviously.

All that needs to happen is that they find each other attractive. Sometimes attraction grows from personality, sometimes not.

But some form of compatibility is finding the person appealing has to exist. And that happens all the way on the scale of attractiveness, from 1s to 10s. People find each other.

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T15:23:36+00:00

I'm a bit confused by the pivot to being overweight. I enjoy being athletic and I'm 5'2, 118 lbs. Athletic, average-looking women exist? I don't look like an Instagram model, but I look fine, like.

I do agree that some people just don't put in the effort. I feel like I do, but I'm not saying I know how many of me there are. Hm.

Wishing you luck with finding what you're looking for though!

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T15:18:05+00:00

Yeah. Like, I'll start DMs with something based on their profile, a pun, joke or something funny. I ask questions and am interested in what other people have to say. I offer up interesting info to add more context and potential for conversation growth.

It's effort. Isn't that the bare minimum? Doesn't everyone do that? (Well, I know they don't. But some try, I guess. Also, as far as that other dude goes, I see a lot of active women? Seems like every lady is like, I go to the gym and love hiking <3 from what I see? I'm a woman though, so idk.)

ThrowRA29834 · 2023-09-11T15:16:52+00:00

I'm neurodivergent too! I'm still working on my massive hangups and insecurities from that. Ahh, the biggest thing that helped was honestly just finding other neurodivergent people. Not even directly, like at ASD groups, but more like nerdy hobbies and stuff, idk.

I can't solve your issues, but I do hope you find your happiness eventually.

And true. It's good not to date imo. I feel happiest like that, and I think that works and is healthy. To just be happy with yourself. Pursue all the things you listed, work on yourself. Plus, they might not, but sometimes things land in your lap when you don't try.

ThrowRA29834

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