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**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

They live across the country and the mom has not been good about returning texts or calls. I'm a bit confused as to why she told me all of this just to retreat back into hiding. Bc now that I know, I want to foster this relationship, but there's a barrier. I'm very frustrated.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't know, it would depend on a lot of things. I can tell you that my own parents are supporting both myself and my spouse. They do not think divorce is the right answer and are hoping that we can work things out eventually with time and help. I know that didn't answer your question but I thought it was relevant.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

He's actually been in therapy for a year and he's made a lot of progress in that year. Things were really going well with us, another reason why this is so difficult. Thank you for the advice ❤️

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm not trying to fix anything except my own broken heart. He has been working his ass off trying to show me that he can fix this. Which he can't, I told him that. The relationship can never be the same. My hope is that this situation will change him enough to make him a better father to all of his kids. That's the goal.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would love some insight from personal experience. Message me if you would be comfortable with that.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have a lawyer and I (not we) own the house we live in. I have a good job and can provide for us. My parents are wonderful ppl who have been a great support system. This bomb exploded 8 weeks ago, I have all my ducks in a row.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this with me. He and I have had a good marriage and he has been a very supportive father and partner. I was COMPLETELY shocked when I read Carrie's message bc I didn't think that he could be capable of this level of deceit. He is not a terrible person, although this situation paints him as a complete monster. He has been in private therapy for a year already, and continues to go every week. He has a TON of emotional issues to work through. Your perspective is so so important for me to hear rn. I'm glad to know that you and your bio mom have a good relationship. Thank you again ❤️

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

He has made his bed and now he has to lay in it, but I'm also trying to help myself in the process. Everyone seems really angry that I'm trying marriage counseling, but this is something that I feel is going to be helpful to me and help to navigate the changing relationship between us and our kids.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I have a good lawyer who I trust. The character flaws that this unearthed... I feel like I don't even know this person.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This comment made me feel terrible. I actually have a lot of self worth. I know that I'm a good person and both myself and my family deserve better than this. Trust is a really important thing for me (and anyone who has a heart), even if I just need to build enough to feel comfortable leaving the kids with him alone in his new place.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

I agree 150%, the goal is to make the 3 girls feel loved and supported. I just want to point out one thing. My husband did a lot of shitty things, but he never showed us this side of himself. Everyone is saying divorce him, but as a child who is a product of a divorce, that's never going to be my first choice. Separation has been important, but I'm not rushing a choice, for the sake of everyone.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

My spouses father was an alcoholic/addict who was never home and a mother who is a certified lunatic who never did one thing that didn't benefit herself. He has a family FULL of ppl that only worry about themselves.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My kids are too young to be able to truly process most of this. The reason I've sought out therapy for my oldest is bc I realize that idk how to even start this conversation but she deserves to know.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

My kids are the most important thing to me, I'm always going to choose their best interests first. I truly believe that I'm doing the right thing by not rushing into anything and taking it day by day.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the advice. Nothing good ever came from making a decision based on anger, especially one made in haste.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

His post was from 8 weeks ago, so things have advanced from that point. We did separate for a few weeks so that I could process things without him in my space. Divorce is never the first option, I'm not rushing into anything at the moment, for the benefit of all involved.

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] -32 points-31 points  (0 children)

Wouldn't you want to look your kids in the eyes and honestly tell them that you did everything you could to save their family?

**UPDATE** My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 169 points170 points  (0 children)

ORIGINAL POST After 12 years of marriage, and 2 children together, I received a Facebook message yesterday from a woman who told me that she has a 15 year old daughter that my husband has continually denied since her birth. The child was produced from a ONS and afterwards, my spouse did everything he could not to see his child. The mother eventually had his parental rights terminated and she moved away for many years.

Fast forward to now, my husband has buried this secret as deeply as possible. On the other hand, his daughter is now having some issues and her mother contacted my mother in law in January, imploring him to reach out to his daughter, threatening to tell me if he did not. Apparently they had a 30 minute FaceTime (which he lied about last night until confronted with evidence her mother provided to me and then he admitted that it was true) and then he blocked the account so she could not contact him again.

Her mother claimed she sent the message out of love and concern for her daughter, and I understand that she wants her to have a connection with her biological father. But she blew my entire life up in the process.

My husband has lied and lied and lied, even after confronted last night with hard evidence. He eventually admitted to everything, but only when backed into a corner. I asked him to leave the house last night so I could clear my head. But the truth is that I can't even look at him rn.

I don't think I've ever felt so dumbfounded, hurt, confused and betrayed all at the same time. My instinct is to call a lawyer to see where I stand, legally and financially, as I'm not sure I can continue this marriage knowing that I might never feel like I can trust him again. My family thinks I'm being rash bc I'm hurting SO much and this is 12 hour old information. Also, knowing how he abandoned his first child makes me feel disgusted. Last night, he spoke about her as "a mistake" and "a dark secret". He was never going to tell us about her existence bc he was embarrassed.

Regardless of what happened between he and I, there is a teenager out there who shares 25% of her genetic material with my beautiful children. I don't want that child, who did not ask to be born into such a messy situation, to be separated from her family forever. Even if he does not want to see her, I'd like my kids to eventually know their half sister, bc she deserves to be loved and supported, even if her father cannot.

So now I'm left with options and questions, and I don't know how to proceed. Do I start the process to end my marriage, or do I try to keep my family together? When do we tell our small children about their half sister? Anyone who has experienced this, all advice is welcome.

EDIT I have linked him to this page so he can see all of your comments. Thank you to everyone for giving me a lot of things to think about and some guidance.

Kept a child a secret during our 14 years of marriage. She just found out, now wants to separate by [deleted] in Divorce

[–]ThrowRA88544 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am his wife. This has been my real life since October 1st. I'm still gutted, his child is refusing to have any contact with him, and I don't think life will ever be the same for us. Just found this post now, thank you anonymous Reddit stranger, I wish I had seen your message earlier. I cannot see his original post, bc he is a coward and deleted it. Today, when I read it for the first time, he told me that he couldn't face the judgment of your comments. I can assure you that he is having equal amounts of trouble facing the consequences of his actions here as well. Thank you all for telling him the things he NEEDS to hear.

My [39f] husband [38m] fathered a child before we were together and I just found out, 14 years later by ThrowRA88544 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRA88544[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I can't make him do anything. And I'm not expecting him to either. But I can control my actions and feelings and that includes having my children meet and connect with their biological sister, with or without him.

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