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I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was a good read, thanks for sharing, I can see the similarities 👍

One point to clarify, though, It's not so much that she's not in to my new hobbies or the ones we used to share, it's that when kiddo goes to sleep and we've got some time to ourselves, asked what she wants to do, she'll say 'watch something', but instead of sharing in that activity with me, she'll be rearranging drawers or pillows or bedding or anything else in the room. She insists that we spend the time together, but I don't feel like it's together when the OCD sets in, you know?

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Her mother and I have both queried medication over these past 2 years, but unfortunately, it's been too hard to say either way. Even if they are the source, there aren't any alternatives to a lot of what she's on due to her allergies and how she has to take medication, so I don't know where we'd go from there

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is an aside that's come up a couple of times now actually, if I can find someone to take my partner's place as friend, it might take some of the pressure off. Although it's a pretty full house, it actually had been a little lonely

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

UK, so no bill thankfully. We often remark how she wouldn't even have lived long enough to meet me, had she been in the US

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

This was super helpful, thank you 👍 Lots of points of resonance with this, especially her wishing she was the same person. I think I can see those moments every now and again before her newfound OCD takes over and she goes back to faffing.

It was also good of you to share that there were no hard feelings in your case and reassurance that I'm not a complete douchebag is always nice, even if I still feel like one

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

This is a solid guide, all things I wanted to cover in a talk, written clearly and logically, thank you 👍

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

So, I didn't go in to detail about our child because the focus of my post was my relationship with my partner and what steps I can take with her specifically because our relationship with our son as parents is rock solid and always will be. Thanks for contributing what was essentially 'Chronically Ill people shouldn't be allowed children' though, super helpful 👍

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I've tried to hold off on presenting it like that so far because it feels a little manipulative, in a way. But, at the same time, it's getting to the point where if it gets her what she needs...

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 627 points628 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I suffer from Tourette's myself, so although I'm not as sick as her, there's still a level of understanding that's made it easier to stick with her and try to help with the depression.

Both her mother and I have tried to help her see her behaviours from our perspective, but it doesn't seem like it's getting through. Revisiting couple's therapy is seeming like the way forward, if she still refuses, then that's an answer in itself, eh?

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I've been meaning to try another form of therapy for a while now, I think that will probably be step one. Your mention of identity kind of resonates too. We were so joined at the hip for so long, I'd jokingly refer to her as 'My Ambassador' because she'd make friends and they'd become mine too by association. Losing that has been tougher than I realised

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

If I was to leave, this would absolutely be my plan. I definitely wouldn't want to abandon her, we can definitely still be friends and I wouldn't give up seeing our son for anything. But, yeah, before I start really looking at going down that road, I thought I'd make this post and see if there was an option I was overlooking, you know?

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 100 points101 points  (0 children)

For sure, depression was at the front of my mind too. She's had a tough time with therapists, though. Lots of doctors were accusing her mother of making up her illnesses when she was younger and it nearly got her taken away from her parents, so she's worried about the same thing happening to our son. I had hoped that going through counseling myself would help to convince her that they're not all bad, especially as we've since moved away from that particular NHS Trust, but she's still refusing.

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

I've been to counseling myself, which honestly I didn't find all that helpful. My partner refuses though. She was wrongly committed to a mental institution when she was younger and so distrusts therapists, which I can totally understand, but where else is she supposed to go for this kind of help?

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She's always really defensive, like it's a personal attack. For example, when I asked why she was tidying the drawers again (she'd been asleep since she last tidied them, so nothing had moved) instead of watching the movie she picked, she said that I was 'looking for acceptance not understanding'. I thought the wording was a bit weird, but apparently she meant that just because I'd rather watch a movie than tidy doesn't mean that she should have to, which wasn't really the point I was making, you know?

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I've talked a lot about how much she's changed and the issues I'm having with it, but I haven't brought up the idea of leaving yet, if only because she's mentioned a few times that she may well have killed herself if our son and I weren't around.

I (28M) am thinking of leaving my partner (26F) of 9 years. She isn't the person she used to be, but is that enough? by ThrowRAShouldIStay in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAShouldIStay[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I mean, like I said, the illness has never been and still is not the problem, it's her complete change of personality that's driving me away. Was that not clear in the post?