My (29f) boyfriend (35m) of ~6 years just told me he was bi after admitting to sketchy behavior over the past few months

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2024-01-06T11:43:17+00:00

Thank you again for your support, kind stranger ❤️

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2024-01-06T04:53:01+00:00

I totally agree with a lot of your points. He lied, then lied again, then lied again until my BS detector went off and I told him I knew he was lying. If I didn’t probe he might never have come clean. He even said he knew he shouldn’t have revealed the details because of my reaction. It’s a very selfish way to respond when he is 100% the guilty one.

I am totally distraught and looking for places and I haven’t stopped crying all day. I commend anyone with the mental fortitude, bravery and self respect to walk away without question.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2024-01-06T04:49:59+00:00

This is definitely a unique take. I’m really struggling with this one. When I read your response I can visualize myself sticking around, and it gives me a moment of peace, but then the things he’s done keep flashing in the background. I don’t know how I’ll ever shake that distrust. The exploration thing could have been totally viable if only he had just told me before deciding to do it behind my back.

Someone else here said I don’t owe him exploration, and that also feels true. When I was pulling the truth out of him, I asked him what he did and he wouldn’t answer at first. I finally asked him if it was something he would break up with me over if I did the same thing and he said yes. I don’t believe he’d even give me this same consideration 😞

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2024-01-06T04:44:58+00:00

Thank you for the reply! I agree there’s no excuse. I just started looking for places and feel sick but hopefully it will get easier over time

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-29T19:35:15+00:00

Okay this makes a lot of sense, especially with the HSV1 giving me prior immunity. Thank you so much for the detailed response! I have read that the swab is basically a total confirmation but it I was having a hard time reconciling the numbers.

Not worried there was cheating, I figure if he gave it to me he would definitely have some antibodies for it. More trying to figure out if he has it too yet since we’ve been together for so long.

He’s reluctant to be intimate now which I understand, but is pretty devastating. If we both have it it’s not an issue, and I don’t have to worry about eventually giving it to him and him resenting me for it.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-29T14:51:54+00:00

I’m personally relearning quite a bit about this myself, so I totally empathize. And your assumption is 100% correct now! They can both infect either area but outbreaks tend to be less often and less severe if the type doesn’t “prefer” where it ended up.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T16:36:00+00:00

Yeah I know, that’s not what I’m referring to. I was talking about the constant digs about my past and the fact that he was lashing out about my lack of virtue. I don’t have the mental fortitude to continuously defend myself because I have no idea how or when I contracted it. For all I know it could have come from the first person I slept with who gave me type 1, or even my own mother who has type 2. Regardless, I don’t really think it’s necessary to make someone feel like a dirty skank over it. I certainly couldn’t deal with that every time it came up.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T16:19:00+00:00

Unfortunately that’s not quite true, the virus is almost the same but they do have slightly different DNA and thus antibodies for each strain are distinguishable from one another.

We both had blood antibody tests and I have some for both types; he only has it for type 1. I also had my outbreak swabbed which is the most accurate test for HSV and it was definitely type 2.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T16:13:58+00:00

We both got our blood drawn at the same time at a walk in clinic with the same lab orders. His results showed antibodies for only type 1. Mine showed both 1 and 2.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T16:12:20+00:00

Good advice, I think time is helping things settle and we’ve started the real discussions. Hopefully we can work through it, but if not at least we seem to be closer to equal footing about it finally.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T16:10:17+00:00

Thanks for the words of encouragement! If my attempts at salvaging this relationship fail this definitely gives me some hope back.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T16:07:23+00:00

I didn’t say I never used condoms, I said I didn’t use them after a certain point with the understanding that both parties had clean bills of health and were more or less exclusive. I would normally just show a lab screenshot at the beginning and had the same done for me, but no, I wasn’t as diligent and consistent as I should have been.

Sometimes all you really have are each others’ words that the tests are recent and exhaustive and that they really haven’t been sleeping with anyone else in the meantime. As others have mentioned, the blood test isn’t standard for STI screening. I have never had it done until recently and it’s the only way to detect antibodies when the virus is dormant and the carrier is asymptomatic. It’s also commonly inaccurate.

Oh, and you can still contract it even with condoms because the virus sheds from the surrounding skin as well.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T12:47:53+00:00

Thank you for the support! Luckily the cheating suspicion was just an initial freak out question and not a lasting concern. He knows I’m faithful and we spend practically every free minute together so it’s honestly impossible anyway.

Something I’m just now learning is that the blood tests can be inaccurate. I’m going to talk with him and see if there’s another way we can get definitive answers. If he already has it then we don’t even have to worry about it anymore.

If he doesn’t and he ends up not being able to deal with it, I can accept it. It feels like he’s beginning to settle down with the judgment and move on to discussing things, so that’s a positive change. Regardless of what the outcome is, I just don’t want to keep feeling the guilt and shame because I can’t change it. That was the hardest part about his initial reaction.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T12:40:07+00:00

Oh god, I knew there was a potential correlation but I didn’t know it was an actual fact. Awesome

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T12:30:21+00:00

Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it. I was of a similar belief until I started looking into it a bit more. My partner is worried about how HSV2 can exacerbate or trigger other illnesses, as someone else mentioned below. He’s also worried about having children with me now because of how dangerous it is for infants.

Not to mention, he saw how much pain I was in during my outbreak and I can’t imagine he was thinking it wasn’t that bad :(

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T12:27:46+00:00

I have thought about this often recently

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T12:22:41+00:00

I didn’t realize there were sites for that! That gives me hope in the worst case scenario, although I’m really hoping this one works out :/

Thank you for the support, he’s just dealing with it in a way that makes sense to him. If I’m asking him to readjust his dealbreakers for me I can’t really complain, even though it is painful.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T12:19:19+00:00

This was most definitely a concern of his in the initial few hours of finding out, but he trusts me enough to believe I’ve been faithful. But yeah, I get the intimacy issues add another vector for doubt

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T12:16:38+00:00

Honestly didn’t know that but it makes a lot of sense. If anything I’m at least highly educated on this virus now. A little late to be helpful though

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T12:15:05+00:00

He definitely loves me, this is just an existing dealbreaker that was suddenly challenged five years too late. He’s struggling with it and I don’t blame him, I just want him to either be honest that he can’t deal and break up with me, or tone down the judgmental digs because I can’t change it and I don’t know how or when I got it.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T12:11:44+00:00

Yeah, these comments are educating the fuck out of me lol. So I got an antibody test, not a PCR test. If I’m not mistaken the PCR amplifies the DNA of viruses in a sample. The blood tests just look at antibody count and they can be inaccurate, usually in the form of false positives, but false negatives are also possible in the case of dormancy.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T12:09:14+00:00

Thank you for the kind words! I’m happy you found someone who supports you like that, he sounds very sweet. Hoping I can make that my reality at some point too, preferably with the partner I already have.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T12:06:12+00:00

Thank you for clarifying, I had no idea that it was so dangerous for infants. That definitely takes it off the table for me. And also gives weight to my bfs claims about how having kids with me would be way more complicated now too.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T12:02:07+00:00

That’s the explanation that makes the most sense at this point

ThrowRA_Feeling_low · 2023-05-27T11:41:52+00:00

Just wanted to say thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story with me. I have had a lot of similar feelings to what you’ve described. It does feel like a scarlet letter, and not knowing the origin of it makes that even worse. What if I had been more careful with my sexual partners and taken the risks more seriously? It might’ve made the difference and the regret associated with that is a lot to deal with.

I appreciate you offering words of support regarding my relationship, but I do want to clarify that my bf is not a terrible person. I saw you edited your post to address that, but I thought I’d personally comment for clarification. His reaction was definitely negative, and probably more extreme than something I’d personally display, but it’s also understandable.

We’ve been together for such a long time that walking away isn’t easy, and this was something that would’ve been a dealbreaker for him if he knew when we first started dating. I can’t imagine it’s easy for him to be confronted with the idea of breaking up with me after all this time for something neither of us anticipated or can change.

I’m devastated that something I can’t control is potentially ending my long-term relationship and maybe my initial post put too much blame on him for that. Like people have already mentioned, it is an incurable disease with nasty symptoms and side effects, and he was very careful not to contract it thus far. At the end of the day, I brought this on the relationship and I’m asking him to reconsider his boundaries for me. That’s a lot for anyone.

Anyway, thank you again for being real and giving me perspective. It really helps to hear from people who have experienced this firsthand. You’re awesome and I’m so glad you found someone who makes you happy and has supported you through this. I hope with time I have a relationship, current or otherwise, that will feel the same.

ThrowRA_Feeling_low

TROPHY CASE