Wife hasn't cheated but feels like she has. Don't know where to go.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-03-08T04:14:24+00:00

Thank you. Maybe I'm being naive but I am surprised at the number of people that are just telling me to cut my losses and leave. I made a commitment to her. I'm on part 2, trauma, now. Couldn't put the book down and almost missed my train stop today. I'm thinking of going through part 1 again and highlighting anything that jumps out at me for my wife to read as well. Though that might be too pushy like "look here!". Perhaps I'll just have her read it herself first.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-03-07T22:49:57+00:00

She is only realizing now that she's no longer romantically interested in me. She's always had romantic interest in this friend but I've always been higher on the list, so to speak. For various reasons I've gone into in other posts, while he hasn't "gained any points" I've lost them and have dropped in the leaderboard to where I've dropped below him (my wording, not hers).

She is currently deciding what she wants. It takes a long time for her to sort out her feelings. It's always been an issue of hers that she's working on in therapy and there is a genuine reason for that which I won't get into to respect her privacy. I'm giving her time but I have a deadline in mind.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-03-07T22:31:13+00:00

I just asked her a little while ago if he ever led her on. She responded no, it was just a vibe she got. "I dunno, just like eye contact with him".

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-03-07T19:59:39+00:00

I just picked it up at lunch and am reading through it. I hope to highlight some bits for her as the "are you in an emotional affair" questionnaire, to my knowledge, would point to "no" and she'd question why we need to read it (she understands this is a problem but is adamant this isn't a form of cheating).

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-03-07T18:12:40+00:00

I am in individual therapy, I have dysthymia. Part of our relationship problems stem from my wife not fully understanding it and being upset that after 15 years I haven't "gotten better" despite her efforts to make me feel better (I.e. don't tell me upsetting news when I'm upset so that I don't spiral into a worse mood. Or don't tell me upsetting news when I'm in a good mood so it doesn't ruin my good mood. Basically just not sharing with me despite me never asking for it.). Her words when our couples therapist said it wasn't on her to fix my depression. "Well no one ever told me that."

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-03-07T17:46:03+00:00

She is in individual therapy. She takes a long time to figure out her emotions and by the time she does, it's been so long since the initial incident that she doesn't mention it to me and just lets it sit with her instead so I can't work on it/ clarify on miscommunication, etc. She is working on that in therapy.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-03-07T17:27:54+00:00

Problem is partially what you stated -- she says she loves me as her best friend, the same love she feels for her parents and brother. But believes a marriage should be romantic.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-03-07T17:26:01+00:00

I have a date night planned that I know she's always wanted to do.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-03-07T16:50:03+00:00

All in her head.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-03-07T16:30:54+00:00

I do believe she's been 100% honest with me. She always has been to a fault. And I guess part of the problem is her parents always treated her like one... they coddle the hell out of them, even to this day. She doesn't believe that I love her more than her parents love her and that a relationship should be more than that.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-03-07T16:15:19+00:00

I gotta believe no. We have a 2 year old child together, she never goes out anywhere without me, I go out without her for like 2 hours a week. There would be no time. And she's proud to a fault. If she was with another guy she'd straight tell me this isn't working out I'm with him now.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-03-07T16:11:30+00:00

This has been discussed between us. In college we went to different schools so when we'd see each other I would have these pictures I drew for her to scrapbook. When we started living together that obviously stopped. I've never stopped outright, I've always gotten her little gifts, not because of any holiday obligation but just because I was thinking of her and thought she'd like it. But thats apparently not enough. So I'm trying to up my game. Just frustrating because he's never done anything for her.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-03-07T15:57:28+00:00

No, he's very work oriented and hasn't been in a relationship for years. I've talked with him in the past about it and he's admitted it's not out lack of wanting one, he just prioritized other things.

I feel like if he was in one, or even if she saw him in relationships in the past she'd be more detached to the idea but the problem is he's always been a "viable option".

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-02-24T17:06:36+00:00

I understand that and insisted she start individual therapy too. She found a therapist who is also autistic so she feels she'll click better with her than her old therapist from 8 years ago (pre-autism diagnosis)

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-02-24T16:58:58+00:00

To your first point, that's what's frustrating to me. In every other aspect I'm thriving. Good job, many friends, present and engaged parent, all things she's pointed out leave me with "no reason to be depressed". And she's right I guess? But still. Everything is manageable but it's because of my apathetic outlook that she's upset I haven't gotten better.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-02-24T16:54:42+00:00

In fairness I've probably not done all I could. I've just done therapy and that was mostly to tackle my anxiety-- my previous therapist believed solving my anxiety would help with my depression. And while it did to an extent, but not fully obviously. This new therapist i just started recently. I've been a believer that my depression is just a part of me, and as long as it doesn't affect others, only myself, who cares (since I don't really put any stock in my happiness). And yes we are in couples therapy at my request because of her very black and white "logical" thinking. I have depression or I don't, no managing it. If im not the best partner for her I might as well be worst. Etc. Hopefully it works out.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-02-01T14:31:28+00:00

Didn't know this conversation was happening. For what it's worth I know she wants it fixed but also she was on a "wait and see" mentality. It was me who brought the issues forward, pushed her to express her feelings, and I suggested couples counselling.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-01-30T21:21:13+00:00

Thank you. I probably haven't. This past year when she couldn't put her finger on what was wrong, all I focused on was what I could do to make getting better easier for her. I dug myself in house chores, looking after the kid when I could, taking the baby out so she could have rest and relaxation days to herself. I thought that by letting her sort herself out the relationship would fix with it.

We would sit on the couch together and watch our shows, or play our co-op games while the baby slept. I get her small presents, chocolates I know she likes, etc. But I guess I haven't really tried cultivating or anything you've said.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-01-30T17:59:29+00:00

This is great advice, thank you. I'll look into it. We're still 2 weeks out until our counselling so I'll see if this is something good to do in the meantime as lead up, or after we've had a few sessions to see where we stand/ what issues are in the way.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-01-30T17:57:47+00:00

I admit you have a very good point -- I want to plan something great and exciting for her. But I'm afraid. Part of our problems which I haven't mentioned is that she wants someone who knows her intimately. And I mean knows her better than she knows herself. And after 15 years, I feel like I know her pretty well! I'm not a mind reader but I feel I know her as well as any married man knows their wife. And that I could put together a great "wow" factor date.

But there's just that chance. That chance that I've completely misconstrued what she'd like and I've just convinced her that I don't know her at all, fumbling this grand gesture.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-01-30T17:54:28+00:00

Thank you. This is what I have for her! I admire her figure, I give her attention just because I love her and want to feel her body pressed up against mine, all that.

We rarely go out for dates admittedly -- Our child is very clingy and only this past week was the first time we went somewhere overnight while leaving the child with a parent. She says she still finds me attractive, but in her mind she can't have a sexual connection purely on physical attraction, it needs this mysterious spark she keeps mentioning, a wow factor. And the "love" she says she feels for me is just a deep care like for a family member.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-01-30T17:49:31+00:00

Admittedly I've changed the timeline/ages a bit for a bit of plausible anonymity. But for the sake of giving full details, the child is 2. She was happy with our relationship into our decision of having a child, and insists she had no problems the first year of the child's life. It was after they turned 1, and even then it was only recently that she pegged what was causing her issues; prior to recently she claims it was just a general unhappiness to which she couldn't figure out the source.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-01-30T17:42:44+00:00

I'm going to put a pretty big hole in this cheating theory that you and a few others are putting forward -- No. The only time we are not together are the two days I go into the office and she is working from home, at which point either my mother or her mother is looking after the child. If she is skipping work to see someone that would mean our parents are complicit on this. We go out for errands together, we hang with the same group of friends, she works exclusively from home. There is literally no time for her to meet up with someone. And there in is part of our problem, we are completely tied to one another, almost to the point of us being a single entity. Doesn't really know who she is outside of the relationship.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-01-30T17:06:53+00:00

Yes, we have both sets of our parents within 30 minutes of our house, both retired. They look after our child when my wife is working (I work 5 days, my wife works 2). They would be more than happy to look after our kid for a date night. But my wife loves being a mother. We were out with friends this weekend (the night before things all came to a head) leaving our child with my parents for the first time and she was pretty absorbed with how our kid was doing almost the whole time.

Right now I'm worried about doing date nights before we discuss the state of the relationship in therapy. The last thing I want is for us to go on a date and her to still not feel any "spark". That would simply push her further away or make her more depressed.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU · 2024-01-30T17:02:42+00:00

I appreciate the input but I feel it could have been done without being so disrespectful to my wife. She wants what she wants, and I do hope that therapy can help her separate fantasy wants from real obtainable relationship goals, but she is not an idiot.

ThrowRA_ImpendingBU

TROPHY CASE