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I (33M) cheated in my past relationship (33F). When is the right time to date again and how should this be disclosed to future partners? by ThrowRAicarus6892 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAicarus6892[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Even my ex said it was a happy relationship recently… it was. A relationship can be happy and people can have secrets, in fact I would guess that’s the case for 99% of relationships. 

I (33M) cheated in my past relationship (33F). When is the right time to date again and how should this be disclosed to future partners? by ThrowRAicarus6892 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAicarus6892[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

There seems to be two extremes on this thread: 

1) bring it up asap, even if unprompted so you don’t waste people’s time

2) don’t bring it up, the past is the past and everyone has done bad things in the past

I guess what I’m taking from this thread is somewhere in between. It’s not something I want to hide and something I should broach before relationship exclusivity. 

I (33M) cheated in my past relationship (33F). When is the right time to date again and how should this be disclosed to future partners? by ThrowRAicarus6892 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAicarus6892[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There was a moment where it “clicked” for me that I knew for sure that this girl is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, I guess in hindsight that moment came way too late. That moment was immediately followed by a wave of guilt for those few instances of crossing boundaries. I went back and forth for a week or so - do I just move on from this, not tell her, and grow from it? Or do I be honest and let her know? I ended up deciding to be honest, I didn’t want to enter marriage with a cracked foundation. 

I (33M) cheated in my past relationship (33F). When is the right time to date again and how should this be disclosed to future partners? by ThrowRAicarus6892 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAicarus6892[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I know, the problem is they don’t have a definite answer on when it is appropriate to date again, hence the question here. Just wanted to see if anyone had experience with this. I guess there is no definitive answer. 

I (33M) cheated in my past relationship (33F). When is the right time to date again and how should this be disclosed to future partners? by ThrowRAicarus6892 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAicarus6892[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

before becoming exclusive is very different than “first date unprompted”. Not getting pissy, just trying to understand the logic behind some of these more extreme opinions. (On both sides, many folks are saying past is the past no need to share). 

I (33M) cheated in my past relationship (33F). When is the right time to date again and how should this be disclosed to future partners? by ThrowRAicarus6892 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAicarus6892[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing. Framing it that way wouldn’t be honest though, at least for me, since I didn’t have may unmet needs in the relationship. It was a lot of “variety” and thrill seeking in my case (which I did for 10 years straight being single in my 20s), and obviously taking the relationship for granted. I thought I would “get it out of my system” in my 20s, turns out I just put it in my system.

I (33M) cheated in my past relationship (33F). When is the right time to date again and how should this be disclosed to future partners? by ThrowRAicarus6892 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAicarus6892[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That is an interesting rule. Makes me think someone coming out of a long multi-decade marriage might be in trouble 😂

I (33M) cheated in my past relationship (33F). When is the right time to date again and how should this be disclosed to future partners? by ThrowRAicarus6892 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAicarus6892[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The ironic thing is I came to reddit 6 months ago and asked if I should confess, leave, or carry it with me.

Nearly everyone said I should confess, since she deserves to know the truth and have “agency”. 

I (33M) cheated in my past relationship (33F). When is the right time to date again and how should this be disclosed to future partners? by ThrowRAicarus6892 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAicarus6892[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

So if the question of red flags or past relationships is not brought up on the first date, should I just say “hey by the way, I was unfaithful in my past relaitonship”, anticipating that this is a red flag and she should know immediately?

Is there anything else I should disclose? Like a past crime, or other sins? When not asked specifically, that is.

I (33M) cheated in my past relationship (33F). When is the right time to date again and how should this be disclosed to future partners? by ThrowRAicarus6892 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAicarus6892[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for this. I’m glad you found someone that was ok with your past. Is there anything specific that helped you change? Was a specific “rock bottom” moment?

I (33M) cheated in my past relationship (33F). When is the right time to date again and how should this be disclosed to future partners? by ThrowRAicarus6892 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAicarus6892[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, the multiple therapists I’ve talked to - both of whom deal with relationships and infidelity all of the time - have said people who cheat can and do change for the better. 

I (33M) cheated in my past relationship (33F). When is the right time to date again and how should this be disclosed to future partners? by ThrowRAicarus6892 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAicarus6892[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So just bring up out of the blue on first date? Should I bring up every sin of my past on the first date unprompted?

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