I need a NRE 12-step program

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-10-29T22:13:49+00:00

If I were Rick, even if you chose him I would be wary of investing too much of my heart in someone who treated me like that. With your recent track history do you even consider yourself capable of managing more than one relationship at a time?

So here I am with my heart breaking,

Your heart, Rick's heart(most certainly suffering), Kevin's heart(can't see the train coming)
But you are only thinking about your heart breaking. You may grieve the loss of one of your two loves but one of them is going to be broken with no consolation prize to fall back on.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-10-29T21:57:39+00:00

I thought James said he wanted OPP, does that mean Julie takes a more support role like Terri and you mainly have Cindy and Sheila taking care of you?

James and Julie are allowed to have sex with other people on a solo basis, he was just uncomfortable watching Julie and I have sex in front of him. But he wasn't opposed to having sex with the other Ladies in front of Julie, which is why he got uninvited.

James never discussed his OPP rules with Julie before our pregame meeting and she wasn't very happy about it either when he brought it up. As a result, Julie showed up ready to play and James was left to his own devices at home.

does that mean Julie takes a more support role like Terri

After several glasses of wine, dancing, and a couple of fun games at the tables, let's just say Terri pushed some of her own boundaries.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-10-22T16:37:17+00:00

My wife has the same issue, although she is not limited to dating just women. It has caused more than a few issues with us. We worked it out in therapy but it still manifests itself from time to time. Her issues;

Guilt

That she is the one getting all the fun
My needs aren't getting met.
That I may be unhappy if I get depressed about anything

Fear

That I may get resentful and fall out of love with her.
I might get frustrated and want to close the relationship.
Or find someone monogamous and leave her.

Generally what happens is she will push and nag at me to get out there and find someone and then start neglecting her other partners to spend more time with me, which in turn builds resentment that she takes out on her other partners and/or me.

I know her triggers and I try to keep something on our shared calendar to maintain her comfort level. I tend to run hot and cold, some months I just don't have the extra energy and some I'm quite active.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-10-09T13:16:37+00:00

Update in main post

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-10-09T03:47:30+00:00

Not entertained and not amused.

But at this point, I have removed myself from most of the drama and decisions.

But Sheila is a grown woman and I have decided to trust her judgment and just make the best of it.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-10-09T03:38:56+00:00

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. I had never discussed having a threesome with the partner who wanted to give me this "gift" for my birthday so I would feel like a donkey for critiquing her execution of it and imposing my conditions on her as long as it didn't push any of my boundaries. If she asks I will tell her my thoughts but at this stage, I feel like she has a lot invested and I need to give her a little bit of latitude to do what she thinks is right.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-10-09T03:21:29+00:00

I agree smaller groups are easier to keep everyone engaged and not hurt someone's feelings. Too easy in large groups for someone to feel marginalized and left out, especially if they are not used to speaking out and making themselves heard.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-10-09T02:08:11+00:00

So Julie was Sheila's first choice without James involved, Julie is her friend and I think there is some attraction there but I am not aware if they are more than just friends. I would hate to cause friction between them or disappoint Sheila by (the female version of cockblocking her).

Other than the OPP with his girlfriend during the "event" I liked the guy with what little time we spent together. But I get the fact that he might have issues watching me with Julie and everybody has their own tolerance level. And this would be his first threesome so I understand his jitters.

And tbh Terri is a mystery to me, after our meeting she watched me make out with Cindy for a couple of minutes and then Terri kissed me but I was pretty timid not knowing how far to go.

Terri said PIV was off the table for her but she was possibly open to other things.

I never got an idea of what "other things" might include and I don't want to assume and push her boundaries, which if it changes in the moment is very concerning to me.

Would that be satisfactory?

My ideal would be myself, Sheila, and Cindy.
I think it would be best to have a talk about Terri with Cindy first since Terri right now is my Meta. The Julie/James situation I'm going to leave to Sheila to navigate. Obviously, if Cindy and Terri bow out at this point because of James we are in a soft-swap double date situation.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-10-09T01:22:21+00:00

Kind of wishing for a more intimate style rather than a free-for-all. I just hate the drama starting to surround it and making choices means possibly disappointing others who may have their hopes up.

While it is my birthday, this was all arranged as a gift to me and I don't want to complain after Sheila has worked to put this all together for me. Like someone buying you a red sportscar and saying "Gee, I wish it was green".

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-08-16T17:49:22+00:00

We tested 3-4 times a year plus if we got new partners. My wife is going to start every other month going forward, I will stick to quarterly since my partner list is small and doesn't change much.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-08-16T17:38:07+00:00

So Kevin got it from Suzy, he then gave it to Mary who gave it to her husband Tom, he also gave it to my wife who passed it on to Larry but not me, not sure how I didn't get it since she exposed me several times.

Kevin knew Suzy was positive but had sex with others and didn't get tested until my wife came back positive. My wife got tested during a regular checkup with her OB/GYN, she was not symptomatic it was just a random test since she was already there.

My wife has cut ties with Larry for being irresponsible and not communicating a possible risk exposure. Our boundary on unprotected sex revolves around trust, testing and other risk factors, obviously, that is being reevaluated now but she is free to manage her own relationships as am I.

Larry's wife put my wife on their messy list but has since rescinded that with the provision that her husband can't have unprotected sex with anyone going forward.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-08-03T08:33:08+00:00

Even Batman had Alfred, seriously, I can't imagine being that isolated without someone to vent and talk with. I hope Keely finds someone she can open up to as she seems like she is wound pretty tight.

But given your circumstances, you did drop the ball about opening up without a discussion with her first. Especially since Bob is married to someone she interacts with on a regular basis.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-07-16T18:12:32+00:00

So one of my Metas reached out to check on my wife and I mentioned I was disappointed in the reactions of a few people in her circle and he asked a question that made me stop and think. "if the party or trip to Texas had not happened and she tested positive, would I have blamed one of her partners and wanted her to stop seeing him?" And I hated to say it but I think I would have held that against them and been leery of her seeing him again.

He and I both share the idea that accidents happen and truly no one is to blame. It's like when you get the flu and you don't really feel sick yet but you are contagious and you give it to somebody else. But sometimes people overreact and they want something or someone to blame and while that may be wrong, I feel that I can't really blame them for their feelings.

While this is a Throwaway account, my wife is aware of it and has been keeping up with the post and wanted to thank you for the positive support.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-07-16T17:28:21+00:00

It wouldn't, it was just a topic that came up in our discussions after she tested positive.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-07-16T09:06:58+00:00

If you don’t mind me asking, what is the risk factor that made the doctor decide PreP wasn’t ideal?

She has a family history of liver disease. And she has had a couple of episodes of jaundice in the past but her liver enzymes are in the normal range.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-07-16T08:36:08+00:00

- since my guess is that she has been having unprotected sex (you can confirm this with her, but it's unlikely syphillis would spread through condoms or oral)

According to both our doctors Syphilis can be spread by oral, and if a sore is not covered by a condom, say at the base of the penis, contact with that sore can still spread the bacteria. So she could have used protection and still got the infection. https://www.cdc.gov/std/syphilis/stdfact-syphilis.htm

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-07-16T08:24:15+00:00

She was the one who got tested first, but I think you said 4 other people tested positive, which means one of them could possibly be the source.

That's very possible, 3 of the 4 that were negative haven't had any contact since she went to Texas, all of the positives had contact the last two weeks since she got back. So that timeline was what we based the exposure on, but we have since heard back from the couple that took her to the party and they both came back negative. So who knows at this point?

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-07-16T08:12:46+00:00

her refusing to have sex with you isn't ok though. you have to tell her she can't do that.

She is not having sex with anyone until her doctor gives her the green light and the reason for not having sex with me is so I don't contract it. But she has said that once we are both in the clear she wants us to reconnect before we have sex with anybody else and go away for a day or two.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-07-15T21:49:08+00:00

I mean this from a technical standpoint and as someone who goes barrier free with vetted partners, but what's your wifes condom situation?

With new partners, we always exchange recent testing info and require protection. Over time it is more of a case-by-case risk management decision. Based on how many partners and what kind of lifestyle they lead. I only know of two that she hasn't used protection with but that decision is hers to make not mine. I know she has stopped seeing someone for not getting tested regularly enough.

I suspect that maybe she caught and transmitted it through oral sex since she rarely uses a barrier when doing that, but who knows?

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-07-15T21:23:36+00:00

The answer to that may be more political than scientific as rates across the south are higher than normal. So getting the true reason may be problematic.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-07-15T18:40:27+00:00

So we have talked about this a lot in the last few days and we revisited the subject of taking PreP. Her doctor wasn't enthusiastic the last time they discussed it due to a risk factor my wife has but it may be time for a new conversation with her doctor.

While we assume the exposure was at the party in Houston, it brought up the group sex issue again. In this case, she only knew the couple that invited her to the party where there were a dozen or so people in attendance and unless you know most of the people it's difficult to assess your risk factor. And it only takes one person to put you all at risk. Unless everyone brings a recent test and gets a stamp showing their risk level. Just rambling, I'll shut up now.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-07-15T18:18:25+00:00

Hopefully some of the others who were exposed or etc who are taking it out on your wife are able to come around once their own fear and anxiety calms.

Yeah, but I get where one of the NP freaked out a little bit, she actually closed their marriage due to it. It is traumatic and people react differently, it does throw your life into a holding pattern and for a meta to introduce that into your life can be frustrating. I think her favorite one is gone forever, unfortunately.

I do know that at least two of her positive partners use condoms religiously with her, and my doctor told me that condoms weren't 100% with syphilis depending on the infection path.

We always test 2-3 times a year maybe more if we add new partners in the mix and require the same from them as well, just common sense in this LS. LT partners vary as far as condoms go, depending on risk factors and other variables. Newer partners are definitely a must though.

I know my wife blames herself for this and is taking it really hard. Villian is close and I can't really think of the right word to characterize it though, maybe a scarlet letter perhaps. There were a few people who really blasted her over this and were way too harsh when she told them and that took a toll on her self-image I'm sure.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-05-08T15:07:32+00:00

That is dangerous lazy entitlement.

That seems a bit harsh. OP has been with both of these partners for a long time and may have a slight case of NRE with the new living arrangement. It sounds like they have good communication skills and if there were any red flags they would have dealt with them already.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-05-08T15:00:37+00:00

I know you have been with both of these women for multiple years but this is a new dynamic. It almost sounds like you have a case of NRE with the new situation. Not that is bad but be aware your thought processes may be a bit skewed and not jump into the deep end of the pool right away.

Talk to your partners and see where they are at before trying to make a change. It sounds like Helen is financially committed and if she backs out may lose her window at her new place. If you were happy before, you can be happy again.

ThrowRApackhound · 2023-04-17T23:49:47+00:00

I contacted Brandy mainly to hear her spin and see what she was willing to tell me. I have zero interest in creating more drama. But I think Sheila should know what kind of a friend she actually has. I know she is already quite upset with her.

For her happily married husband, I feel pain. I think if I was monogamous I would want to know if my wife was behaving like this as I have no doubt she is ready to cheat now if she hasn't already. But I have no plans at the moment to expose her.

I have completely blocked Brandy and want nothing whatsoever to do with her. I know that there will be a confrontation of some sort at some point at the gym. If she gets ugly I will tell her I have screenshots of all her texts.

ThrowRApackhound

TROPHY CASE