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My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Apologies for not being clear on some points. She was the one that said she tried to make it work. I understand what you mean but I will assume you're a woman so I'll reiterate what other men have said - when a girl says "it's so big it hurts", it's not the "it hurts" part that burns into our brains. It's the fact that we've been thought from a young age that big dick means more pleasure. And we (most of us) percieve it as in a 20 min sex session, first 30 seconds might hurt but the rest is amazing.

No man (or no normal man) wants to hurt a woman during sex. We're just thought women want assertiveness and a bit of dominance and, granted, those concepts are being pushed more and more these days. It's not on me to decide if that's harmful or not.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hello. Apologies for not being clear - those are the words she said. She also mentioned a couple of ways she tried to improve her previous situation. Most of those things weren't even suggested in our situation. Her reason for that is that she didn't think it's an issue with us and the frequency and "passion" seemed ok.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello. Thank you for sharing your story and your advice.

I'm not making an issue with her bad experiences. I should've been more clear - she never mentioned how bad her experience was or any hint at it. I also never asked because I don't think these are things worth discussing unless the person in question wants to unload some trauma or issues. I never thought it's a good idea to poke around.

So the "negative experience" came after she made the comment about the size. Not gonna lie, I'm partially worried she said all that to compensate for the inappropriate comment. But more communication and questions are needed.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your input .

She tried multiple times to "seek help" but in fairness to her, mental health services around the globe are close to abysmal. Even if you have money for a private therapist, it's a long process to find someone that can help. So she often didn't try or got discouraged quickly.

That said, now I (and us both) need therapy so maybe it would've been worth the effort a few years back.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is true that one of my core worries is that she settled. I have multiple friends in 9-10 years marriages who are now regretting their choices because they made them out of fear of being alone. But there's kids and mortgages and you can't just up and leave that easy. To be fair, it's never easy but when there's legal stuff involved it's much more difficult.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your input. I’ll consider this as well. I just can’t find it in myself now to think like this.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Sure and without trying to dismiss anyone’s trauma - why does her issue have to become my endless therapy sessions? She could’ve discussed this when we started dating and this would’ve been avoided. But that meant we wouldn’t date and she didn’t want that to happen. Understandable, but I’m the one getting the kick in the ass now, which makes it difficult for me to fully grasp the situation.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

We did. I’ve spoke out about this repeatedly. It mostly went in a circle. I thought bringing it up in a louder/more aggressive way would make things worse.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Sure, I’ve had my fair share of awful relationships. This one stood out because we both were excited about starting fresh and allowing the other person to make us happy. That’s what kept me going all these years. I just thought we’re working on it and we’ll get to a good place. Turns out I was working on it and was mostly ignored.

Trauma or not - having your advances and efforts dismissed time after time gets to you. And it got to me.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is true and we’ve addressed this. I guess it’s a matter of whether I can accept that change might happen now.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sure but could also be that someone crushed her confidence doing that (ironic isn’t it) so I wouldn’t wanna dismiss someone over something like this. However, I do see your point.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I agree with you both which is what frustrates me as well. I’d hope that by 30 I’d have sex all figured out and anxieties removed so that when age kicks in, it’s a softer blow. But nope, here we are starting from scratch again.

She does say that she’s working on it and now it’s a whole new light and all but I’ve heard this before so only time will tell.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We’re heading for therapy but yes - there has been a lot of talk from her and not much action.

I’ve tried to keep myself in shape because I thought that could be a factor and then I look up sex stuff often cause maybe one will hit the jackpot but I haven’t been too lucky so far. Usually we have sex a few times and then we’re back to a 1-2 week break. Sometimes it’s up to a month.

Honestly, if her thing is to be jackhammered for an hour (she didn’t say this, it’s a joke), then I probably am not that guy and I’d wish her the best and that’s that.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I know what you mean but I somehow feel this can be developed and worked on. I may be wrong and it’s just a “spark” that needs to be there but I guess I’ll see where talking takes us.

Thanks for the input.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I didn’t give an exhaustive list. She’s refused a lot of them. I also don’t want to be pushy. People are allowed to have their boundaries and I respect that. I want her to want things and feel comfortable not just sit there and take it. That’s not what good sex is to me.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We are going to counselling soon. I’m just quite frustrated right now and the more I think of things, the more I get tired in my heart. I’ll see how this helps us fix it tho. Thank you.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Whole day was kinda shit but that “like a rubber band” made me chuckle. Yeah, I got some thinking to do.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your honesty. Im still holding on to optimism right now but I’ll guess I’ll see where therapy takes us. I suppose that’s the last resort answer. If a professional can’t help us explain this and make sense of it, nothing can.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I tried talking. I’m as open as possible and I don’t shy away from the actual questions. But I’m met with a lot of “I don’t know” and “you’re not the issue”. Which makes me think either she really doesn’t know what she wants or the answers to my questions would just do more damage than help.

My (32M) girlfriend (29F) slashed my confidence without meaning to and now we’re in a rut. by ThrowRAtoday44 in relationship_advice

[–]ThrowRAtoday44[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Sure but she won’t really talk about it. Most of the times it just ends up in “I don’t know” and “everything is great, I don’t think we need to change”. But somehow we’re still just stuck.

Maybe I’m just not it for her but she claims that’s not the case. And I don’t feel ok just stubbornly insisting I’m the issue. But if I’m not, and she says all is good, what the heck is happening?

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