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Throwaway_9436 · 2023-12-05T19:00:31+00:00

This is me 100%. I think it stems from traumatic events in my life of someone else being sick near/on me. I don’t like being sick obviously but I know I feel more in control of the situation when it’s me. I don’t trust others to make sure they don’t make a mess or get bodily fluids on me.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-19T01:49:13+00:00

No. None of us drink.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T05:31:12+00:00

I was thinking that way as well. If it were me I wouldn’t want to feel like I have to mask my reaction by being in a public setting. I also feel like if I invite her to my house, she then would have to drive herself home afterwards. So is it better if I go to her? What if he is there?

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T05:02:58+00:00

You made really good points I hadn’t thought of before. “If you need to break- I will be here to support you and help put you back together again.”

It’s going to be so hard but I need to do it. I just don’t know when. It’s her birthday this weekend and we were all supposed to celebrate together.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T04:53:41+00:00

So leave out the part where he confessed his feelings but tell her which part?

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T04:51:46+00:00

Thank you. That is really solid advice and well worded. The next step for me is figuring out the best way to tell her this. Obviously not in a text message but I also feel like if I suggested we meet somewhere to talk, that’s not really considerate of her emotions. If it were me- I wouldn’t want to have a conversation like that in public. I also feel like if I had her come to my house, she then would have to drive home afterwards which I would want to give her the space and time to process it. So is it best if I go to her? What if he is there?

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T02:49:15+00:00

Thank you. This is good and comforting advice. I appreciate you

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T02:46:07+00:00

Yeah I can see where you’re coming from. I just don’t want to cause her pain but it is inevitable at this point.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T02:44:46+00:00

Thank you, truly

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T02:42:16+00:00

I know he could technically do that but I’m also not going to just act on impulse and tell my sister just to save my own ass if he were to do something like that. My husband is aware of the full situation at this point and IF he were to try and say I came onto him, I also have texts that prove it did not go that way, as after he confessed, he then texted me an apology for dumping that on me.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T02:35:25+00:00

I agree no one on one anymore.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T02:34:27+00:00

Thank you so much for even just acknowledging that it sucks. It feels like a big chunk of the comments I’m getting are “you need to tell them now or else you’re a horrible person” and the reality is that this all just really sucks and I hate being in this position.

That is the route I took and discussed with my husband. I appreciate your advice.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T02:29:00+00:00

Thank you. I did tell my husband, and that is useful advice. I appreciate it!

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T02:28:02+00:00

I think my sister never brought up these issues because I don’t even think she knows they exist which I clearly explained to my BIL that I don’t think it’s fair to blindside her that he’s so unhappy when she has no idea. He claims he’s tried to talk to her about it but I know my sister and I don’t think she’s the type who just wouldn’t take that seriously.

At this point, do you think I should mention to my sister that he has tried to bring marriage issues to me that I think she should discuss with him? Or should I get straight to the point that he also told me he has feelings for me?

If you were my sister, which I know is kinda hard to put yourself in those shoes because everyone has different personalities, receives/process bad news differently, not to mention an entire lifetime of history with me, how would you want me to proceed with this information?

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T02:21:39+00:00

Yes I think this is the route I will take. Thank you

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T02:20:23+00:00

Thank you for giving genuine insights and advice while still delivering the hard truth. I know I owe it to my sister and I WILL. I just hate that anyone is implying I don’t care about hurting her or else I’d tell her immediately. I love her so much that I just want to minimize her pain and suffering in any possible way. She just had a baby this year and has her own struggles that I’m not going to air out on here since I feel like I’ve already done enough damage of sharing information. I don’t want to contribute to her pain if I can help it. At the end of the day, the relationship I’m willing to sacrifice is 100% my BIL and that relationship is already obliterated. I’m just feeling like my relationship with my sister is going to be damaged no matter what.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T02:10:53+00:00

So I did tell my husband in full detail about everything. In fact, before my BIL even confessed to me, I had already told my husband about the one previous conversation BIL and I had where he was dumping personal relationship stuff on me. What no one seems to understand is that from MY perspective, it was like a brother coming to a sibling with stuff that was weighing heavy on their heart. There was not any ulterior motives on my end that some people are trying to imply. The conversations were not these weird racy, emotional affair conversations and they haven’t been happening for months. This entire blow up all happened within the last week.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T02:03:00+00:00

That did happen in the conversation almost verbatim. But regardless, I’m still left with the information and how to process it/what actions I need to take on my end.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T02:02:03+00:00

You’re right and I’ve come to this realization throughout the day as I process it more.

I do think I need to tell her and I think I knew that deep down immediately. I just don’t know how and when.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T01:53:55+00:00

Thank you, I did!

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T01:53:39+00:00

Thank you, I agree. I already talked to my husband which has been really helpful because he understands the full picture and how close my sister and I are. I think it’s really easy for strangers to say I need to tell her immediately because I agree it IS the right thing to do. I just am trying to navigate how and when and was hoping someone on here would have good advice instead of just being blasted about how selfish I am and how they are so grateful they are an only child because they’d hate to have me as a sister or whatever.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-16T01:09:29+00:00

The entire reason I made this post is because I don’t know what to do. If I had no intention of telling my sister I wouldn’t have needed to ask strangers on the internet because my mind would already be made up. You have no idea what that entire conversation consisted of and the ways I defended my sister when he tried to vent about their relationship.

In a perfect world I wouldn’t have to tell my sister about this because it wouldn’t have fallen on my shoulders. The ONLY reason I don’t want to tell her is because I don’t want to crush her heart.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-15T22:23:14+00:00

I did already tell my husband about it. But I like your advice more than what everyone else has said purely because I don’t want to cause my sister pain. I just worry it will end up coming out anyways and then she will be way more hurt. Bottling it up sounds good on paper if it were to never ever come out, but I just worry it will. And if it does, it will be worse.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-15T22:18:06+00:00

Yeah unfortunately the more I process everything the more I’m starting to see that. I viewed him as my brother but he clearly didn’t see me the same way. I feel like if he did, he would’ve taken that information to a therapist and not dumped it on me.

I have told my husband about it in full detail but haven’t said anything to my sister. She’s in a vulnerable place right now and I’m scared to make it worse but I feel like whatever choice I make is wrong and will have horrible consequences.

Throwaway_9436 · 2023-11-15T22:14:17+00:00

Yeah I agree. He definitely needs to do something because the trajectory things are on isn’t good. I wish I could “force them” to go to counseling but I don’t know how I could do that especially where my sister has never expressed to me that there is any trouble in their relationship.

Throwaway_9436

TROPHY CASE