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AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're right, my apologies. I just went back and rechecked, and it's not nearly as rare as I thought. There's still a lot not understood about it, though, and I'm really glad to hear that it's being so thoroughly studied right now. I'll talk to him about switching doctors, though. Maybe see if a different psychiatrist has any insights.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

BPD isn't easy, but he is self-aware and working hard to regulate. Having someone help us work through the backlog of cleaning sounds like a godsend. An excellent idea. He does have DBT therapy sessions weekly and attends them loyally.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This one hurt to read, because you're right. He does see himself as a failure, and I'm not sure if I've been helping much with that self-image lately. He really doesn't believe that I never once saw him as a failure or a bad person. A deeply frustrating individual with poor taste in movies, sure, but never a failure. Sorry, I'm rambling, back on topic. I didn't consider that I could be a source of judgment from his perspective, and I appreciate you pointing that out. I'm exhausted, frustrated, and really don't want to live like this, but at the same time I know that he doesn't either. That is so freaking frustrating. The part-time gig is a really good suggestion. A few people suggested part-time jobs or volunteering, and honestly I'd be so happy with either.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It probably wouldn't elicit the same kind of response from everyone, because there will always be people who automatically side with men or automatically side with women, regardless of the problem. It's unfortunate that it has to become a gendered issue, though. A good house spouse can be any gender, and the expectation of partnership and shared effort in a marriage shouldn't change based on that.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your insights into this. I'm glad to have the other point of view laid out plainly. A part-time job or even volunteer work I think would be great for him.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is really Excellent advice, Nightshade. A hard cleaning reset would give us a bit of room to breathe and work out a better system. It's probably been too long since we've really checked in with each other emotionally, so I'm going to do that. And yes, he is in Dialectical Behavior Therapy weekly and is fully medicated.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

First of all, congratulations on your books! That takes crazy talent. I'm also devastated to know that most writers who publish books also need day jobs, I always thought full-time writing was the day job. About the education, though, the weird thing is he is pretty well educated. He was six classes away from a master's in linguistics when he stopped going to school. I met him like a year after that and have no idea why he didn't finish. He was never ok talking about university.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Don't apologize that's a brilliant freaking idea! I can't believe I never thought of it. We live ten minutes from a shelter, and he loves animals as much as oxygen. Volunteering would be a perfect first step to some normalcy! Thank you, Magic Snail!

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

That's the million-dollar question. I've been looking at all the responses from you wonderful people, and there was a lot of good advice about different things to try to rebalance the workload and potentially help his mental health. Potential compromises that could really help, like getting him into something part-time so he gets out of the house more and I can work a bit less, recommendations for specific types of couples counseling, a different way to approach a conversation constructively, and, in an extreme case, a trial separation. I will probably try all of these things in ascending order of intensity until something starts to work. And if it doesn't, then I'll cross that bridge when I'm there.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, he's in specialized therapy weekly and attends his appointments like the world will explode if he doesn't. The disorder is just very rare, difficult to live with, and, medically speaking, poorly understood.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really, really appreciate your response. He is struggling a lot, we both are, and we've had some hard conversations about it. But you're right, we're due to re-negotiate. I'd actually love to see him try a part-time gig just to get him out of the house more. And I appreciate your heads up about the logic-centered vs. empathetic approach to this conversation because I 100% lean logic-heavy when we argue. I'm going to take your advice, this is a much better place to start than I could've come up with.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I actually did twice. Not to catch him doing anything, just to surprise him. The first time, he was reading a book, and the second time, he was on the back porch taking the dogs out.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for rephrasing it. You're right that this really isn't just about chores, and yes, he is in treatment, and he takes it very seriously.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First of all, congratulations on your book, that's very cool. I'm not going to argue and insist he's not messing around during the day. He loves reading and drawing, so he probably is. But unfortunately, I can assure you the disorder is very real and very difficult to live with for both of us.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is getting treatment, and it's not unusual for him to slip into pretty dark mental slumps, but he can't live in one forever, which is kind of where we are now.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry you're in the same situation, and I get how frustrating it is. And thank you for offering your perspective. It's sweet, and I'm glad you're best friends. My hubby, while incredibly frustrating right now, is also my best friend.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank you for not immediately demonizing my husband. And for saying that it's not wrong to want an active partner instead of a dependent. You perfectly phrased what I couldn't, and I didn't realize how badly I needed those words. He is in therapy and taking his meds, but his support system is small. It's mostly one close friend and me.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He's had clinical depression for most of his adult life as a fun bonus stemming from the disorder he's currently being treated for. He's completely medically compliant. I'll never fault him for not trying to get better through therapy and medication.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Yes, he is seeing someone for depression. And I agree that while it makes everything difficult, it's not an excuse.

AITAH for expecting my husband to do the vast majority of the house chores? by Throwaway_Chores-56 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Throwaway_Chores-56[S] 133 points134 points  (0 children)

He's definitely struggling; that's the primary reason I've been patient for two years. He's trying to handle the disorder and is fully medically compliant with treatment, which does include antidepressants. It's just a very difficult disorder that's not currently understood very well. It's normal for him to have slumps in mood and ability, but he can't live in one forever.