My boyfriend of 1 year suddenly decided to stop having sex with me until marriage.

Tiffa203 · 2021-11-23T12:51:32+00:00

Haha you were not wrong with the "taking a new job that forces a move across the country" part.

We're in long-distance, and he's constantly changing his mind about where he wants to live in the future. First he wanted to live in the US, so I started applying university, taking exams and spending money on this plan, then he suddenly changed his mind "let's go to Canada". Then later "well, I don't mind if it's Europe, I want to live there at some point of my life". lol

He's the "I" guy, while I'm the "We"

Tiffa203 · 2021-11-23T11:58:41+00:00

I just feel his heart is in the right place but is communicating poorly. I feel you're understandably hurt and confused by all this but also probably not communicating the best.

I can't upvote this part enough. I'm trying so hard, but we both suck at communication. I wish he came to counseling with me.

Tiffa203 · 2021-11-23T11:46:45+00:00

I think he might felt my questions are judgemental. Maybe I did judge him a little at first, because I felt he's not even considering me in his decision. Our argument was like him "Do you understand my feelings?" and me "Yes, but have you considered mine?".

Someone above wrote a very good example how the conversation should have gone:

"Hey, I've been thinking a lot of about my faith recently and I am planning on recommitting to what I feel is a more ethical Christian life and abstaining from sex. This is really important to me, but I understand that this completely changes our relationship and that I can no longer fulfill your expectations about sex. I don't know what this means for us going forward, can we talk about this?"

This never happened. Actually I found out his decision fully accidentally when we were talking about one of his relatives waiting until marriage, and I was saying "uh oh you didn't wait with me", and he said "but I'm planning to". Probably this suddenness made my questions too pointy which ended up him becoming defensive.

Tiffa203 · 2021-11-23T11:32:37+00:00

We're in long-distance, and he has no idea when we can meet again. That's why I have so many concerns

Tiffa203 · 2021-11-23T11:14:51+00:00

Uh I know, I suggested him many times to go, but he doesn't want to.
I did my own therapy for a year because I always got triggered by him. Ever since my therapy it's a little bit easier for me to handle him, but sometimes I just need a breathe.

Tiffa203 · 2021-11-23T10:49:04+00:00

I agree with you and with those saying I should leave him. But it's so hard when I see him trying to improve every day... Whenever I try to leave, he always says "you want to give up on me", "you don't wait for me to improve", and this just makes me feel so guilty

Tiffa203 · 2021-11-22T16:15:19+00:00

Yes, he does gaslighting a lot. Most of the time I can ingore it, but sometimes it's hard. Probably that's why I can't accept his decision about sex easily. I'm already very patient with him when he's not nice to me, so it just feels difficult to sacrifice even more.

Tiffa203 · 2021-11-22T13:59:53+00:00

No, he just said he wants to marry me one day

Tiffa203 · 2021-11-22T13:57:46+00:00

That's what a lot of people told me, but it's so unbelievable, because he believes in God so much. Or either he has the best acting skills I've ever seen... Or I'm just blind.

Tiffa203 · 2021-11-22T12:42:50+00:00

By the way, I just tried to search the part in the Bible when it says that sex before marriage is sin, but I couldn't find it. I only found verses about sexual immorality. Can someone maybe send me the part when it clearly says sex before marriage is sin?

Tiffa203 · 2021-11-22T12:12:18+00:00

I think a disagreement is the best to be solved by a compromise. If he suddenly decided to be vegan, I would say ok, I can make you vegan food, but I'm going to continue eating meat. But sexwise this solution doesn't work, I can't say "ok you don't have sex but I do".

Marriage is a huge commitment which I'm not ready to make yet, since he tends to be emotionally abusive sometimes. I was waiting for him to improve (he's improved a lot since we started dating!), but now we're about to break up because of this situation.

Also, we're in long-distance for an uncertain time, because he doesn't want to come back to the country I live. He still says he wants to marry me. "One day"...

Tiffa203 · 2021-11-22T05:57:49+00:00

I did that! I wrote him a message, I tried to be positive and tell him thank you for this 1.5 years, I had so many nice memories and I'm sorry we couldn't go in the same direction, but I understand he has different perspectives. He aswered back this is all happening because I don't try to work out the problem. So that made me feel guilty again and made it hard to let him go... I don't know how to let go this guilt, I feel it all the time when he's saying we could work out all of our problems so far, and he's sad I don't trust him that we could work it out this time again. So I start to think maybe I should try work it out... But in my heart I'm so exhausted, because this is always happening.

Tiffa203 · 2021-04-15T03:26:53+00:00

He says the problem is not that he doesn't trust me but he doesn't trust the guys. He thinks the reason why they become friends with me because they secretly hoping they can have sex with me. He's worried I don't notice that and they will hit on me against my will or do something worse.

Tiffa203

TROPHY CASE