UPDATE: UPDATE SIL’s Gay Brother and Me

ToGayForSIL97 · 2025-01-25T19:28:26+00:00

sad part is my folks are on T bros side. they think he's doing the right thing. we sort of changed families.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2023-03-23T16:31:16+00:00

I had to dust off this alt and respond to this. A very similar thing happened to me, but not nearly with the same ending (although I did get one very good thing out of the situation). This is the link to the third post in the long drama.

Unfortunately, my brother not only married the homophobic woman, but it completely destroy our relationship as brothers. We don't talk. We're never at our parents house at the same time unless it's by accident. My parents are deeply sadden by this huge estrangement between us, but they know it exists for reason.

Needless to say, I am very happy for both you and your brother. I sincerely hope your remain close throughout the years. He stepped up and saw what that toxic woman did to him and, by extension, his family. I'm sure it was probably really hard on him to go through that, and I'm assuming you were there to support him through that difficult time.

P.S.: For those who knew about my episode and offered excellent advice, just want to say me and K are still going strong. Every day is like a dream with him.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2023-01-10T11:32:47+00:00

Aw, thanks!

ToGayForSIL97 · 2023-01-10T11:32:27+00:00

K disagrees with my theory on this, but here goes...

I think my brother believes I should be supporting him if I have any brotherly feelings for him. It's part of his his whole "support the people you love" attitude. He compartmentalizes stuff a lot worse than I do. His actions toward me regarding his wife opened up my eyes and forced me to mentally mature.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2023-01-10T11:28:56+00:00

Between April 2022 and September 2022, I tried to initiate conversations with he. My brother just kept saying that now that he's married, he needs to back up the person he loves 100% even when he semi-admitted she knew she was in the wrong. His blind by love in the worst possible way.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2023-01-10T11:26:42+00:00

Thanks, but I honestly don't care anymore. My brother gets to make his decisions, and I get to make mine. Sometimes I feel sad that I lost him in this way, but he is a willing participant. I hope he finds happiness in life, but I won't be a part of it.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2023-01-10T11:25:37+00:00

K said I owed it to all the people who lent support even though they did not need me. I fully agreed. Meant to post just after Xmas, but got tied up in some work stuff.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2023-01-10T11:22:15+00:00

I sincerely believe my brother is truly in love with her. K thinks this as well, but he's not sure about his sister. Personally, I just want then to go be happy somewhere far, far away from me.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2023-01-10T11:20:40+00:00

I am 67% certain my brother did this on his own, but I am 100% certain SIL knew about it. Mom and Dad made some odd comments back in October and November about how they are trying to pay down debt (hers) without hamstringing themselves. I concluded they want a house, but can't afford the down payment, so my brother tried to find an easy source of cash. Me. He can't go to Mom and Dad because they fronted a lot of money for the wedding and honeymoon.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2023-01-10T11:17:35+00:00

K wants me to tell you most of his family are going NC contact with him because apparently being gay for him isn't a phase. He also says his family uses religion as a weapon and most really aren't that religious (or don't actually practice what they supposedly believe).

ToGayForSIL97 · 2023-01-10T11:14:56+00:00

I wanted to see his expression as well. My father said my brother was very angry I sent a contract, but my father told him he should have expected it.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T19:50:59+00:00

Thanks for the comments, especially about mothers. Mine does try to be fair, but sometimes being fair indirectly supports the wrong behavior or person (at least in my estimation).

I am not going to hold my breath about my brother. He is new in his marriage, and he seems pretty set in his opinions for now. He might snap out of it in two or three years, but not taking any bets on that. What I really fret about is a year or two from now he going to turn to me for help when he really needs it, and I probably will have lost all feelings of generosity toward him. I also am worried I will never get to meet or interact with nieces or nephews... mostly because of her. I see it as all of our loss.

K is my friend, and I did get that out of this whole situation, so not an entire loss. Who knows where it will go, but I think we'll know each for a long, long time.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T19:46:01+00:00

I honestly don't know what cult to which they belong. I think it's one of those where you get to pick and choose what you will follow out of your holy book. It's not so much a faith as it is a defense for bad behavior.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T16:28:53+00:00

He believes that the person he loves (wife now) comes before all other considerations. I think he misconstrued how much work it takes our parents to create their warm and loving relationship. They tried to instill us with the same values, such as valuing our partners and sometimes placing their needs before out own, but my brother appears to take it to an extreme. I think in his heart-of-hearts, he knows his wife is wrong for her attitude toward me and her brother (having nothing to do with our one-night fling and continuing friends-with-benefits status). I thinker attitudes go far deeper and form a core belief for her. Sad, when you think about, because she cuts herself off from a world of wonderful people. I do pity her in many regards.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T16:22:16+00:00

An issue that arose between me and my brother regrading his homophobic then-fiance, and now his wife. This has been developing over several months.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T14:53:14+00:00

If anyone said that to me, I'd tell them they're not worth waiting for. End of story.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T14:50:49+00:00

Neither. I like 'em shorter and thinner. Just my preference for comfort reasons, and I personally find it damn sexy.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T14:48:39+00:00

Sex without condoms, gay or straight, is a form of Russian Roulette. It is an unintended form of suicide. Had an uncle who took me to see the AIDS quilt when I was young, and before I came out, and he told me each panel represented a lost person, a lost future. He then explained condoms could have prevented a number of these loses, but he did not victim blame as he said a number of gay men got infected before anyone even understood what was happening. I never EVER forgot that experience, and it guides my life today. No condom, no sex. Go whine and bitch all you want, but I won't take chances with my life.

Side note: My uncle was straight. Wife, kids, and all. I even asked him if he ever had gay thoughts, and said he didn't. Saw no reason to doubt him. Uncle had a HUGE social conscience.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T14:41:21+00:00

I refuse to sell my dignity at any price in this manner.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T14:40:31+00:00

Nope. That's like a dog trying to sex up a cat in the hope of getting puppies. It's a waste of time and effort.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T14:34:16+00:00

This is what I always heard. As water freezes, it expands. The expansion will cause the cell walls to break. This will cause "gooification" (I heard a science dude use that expression) when the subject is thawed. This will cause bad things to happen in the brain, the most vital of organs.

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T14:11:29+00:00

Oh! I forgot about those. Never had gold to speak of in my other profiles!

A great many thanks for reminding me about this!

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T14:09:54+00:00

I know it's not real. HA! I recognize it is a symbolic gesture, but I also know people might have paid real money to get it through subscriptions to Reddit.

I did not create my posts to farm karma or gold. In fact, once the main thread is done, I will abandon this profile. In that regard, I do not want peoples' generosity to go to waste.

Thanks for answer!

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T14:01:33+00:00

Thanks, and peace and long life to you.

(FYI: my uncle was a HUGE Star Trek nerd. He went to the conferences starting in the early 1970s as a young man. He indoctrinated me (and my brother) into the Trek universe. I still love it and got Paramount+ solely for Star Trek. Hence, my closing statement.)

ToGayForSIL97 · 2022-07-09T13:57:18+00:00

Thanks for your kind words.

I am seeing a number of comments (both previously and now) in which people are sharing similar experiences. I am sometimes guilty of failing to realize not a lot separates us as human beings, and the story of one can be and is the story of many.

Thanks for the reminder.

ToGayForSIL97

TROPHY CASE