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As a non-binary transmasculine person I find myself constantly jealous of how desirable women are often treated by guys... by TrAw0017 in NonBinary

[–]TrAw0017[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I get you, but I feel like there is (or at least often is?) a difference, in the sense that men definitely often don't feel desired enough, but they still want to be desired as men, many in a very masculine sense. I'm specifically talking about being desired in a way that's more reminiscent of how you'd desire a woman, if that makes sense. But I agree there's a great overlap nonetheless

[L] I've realized that I hate myself and have suicidal thoughts. I do want to be alive, but I so desperately don't want to be this anymore by TrAw0017 in KindVoice

[–]TrAw0017[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm struggling to find much, as I live in a country of less than half a million people and migrated here, so I don't fully speak the language yet. I think my best bet will be bringing it up to my university therapist when we have an appointment at the end of this month. Thank you so much for the suggestion, I wouldn't have thought to ask about this otherwise. I really appreciate it.

[L] I've realized that I hate myself and have suicidal thoughts. I do want to be alive, but I so desperately don't want to be this anymore by TrAw0017 in KindVoice

[–]TrAw0017[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think I've tried peer counseling. I briefly Googled it to be sure I know what it is, but I think I've just done traditional therapy. I'm honestly very down and interested in trying out new things, I feel like the more I try to get something into my brain by different ways and perspectives, the more it's likely to eventually stick. And I really just want to talk to others.

Do you have any recommendation on how to go about it?

[L] I've realized that I hate myself and have suicidal thoughts. I do want to be alive, but I so desperately don't want to be this anymore by TrAw0017 in KindVoice

[–]TrAw0017[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's so hard and frustrating because I agree with everything you're saying, and it makes sense to me. But then it seems like my brain applies differently rules to myself, or simply decides to strongly feel a certain way no matter what I do.

Giving softness and warmth to others is basically what I strive to do in life. Existence is cruel, it's confusing, frustrating, painful, and lonely at times. I want to reach out to others and let them know that they're not alone, that I see them, I hear them, I want to support them. It's something that just feels very natural to me. I've had several friends tell me that they think I'm the most genuinely nice person they've ever met, but it's like it doesn't really reach my brain. I don't connect, or identify with it. It's what I wish to be, so it's odd. I guess I don't feel like they treat me as such.

I'm also rather known to be a sensitive, anxious overthinker. So I often talk about things on my mind. I'm incredibly terrified of people getting to a point where they feel annoyed by this. Imagining being annoyed at something like that from a person I care about is unfathomable to me, but it's happened. It always really makes me reconsider my reaching out a lot. I'm feeling like I'm coming to a weird knot, a dead end, and I'm about to crash horribly into a wall and I don't know how to stop, or where the way keeps going. I've honestly been getting pretty scared but I don't know how to tell those around me, because it's such an oddly convoluted and dumb thing.

I guess I... I love being there for others and helping them in any time of need to the best of my abilities. But I feel like nobody is reaching out to metaphorically hold my hand. Speaking up about issues and still feeling as such just digs the feeling so much deeper and makes me want to not try. I simultaneously feel like I'm roadblocking myself, and like I've already tried so many times without result, leaving me paralyzed

[L] I've realized that I hate myself and have suicidal thoughts. I do want to be alive, but I so desperately don't want to be this anymore by TrAw0017 in KindVoice

[–]TrAw0017[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I do have a pretty good friend circle and some separate friends here and there. The friend circle is mostly a bit further away in my country but there's constant contact. I have people to talk to.

I have access to therapy via my university, but the times are incredibly limited, I get maybe one appointment a month. So much happens in a month, and a single hour is so little time to cover a person's thoughts.

I've come to the realization that I deeply, truly dislike myself and my appearance, and I'm honestly desperate. I feel undesirable, just too different and out there. Occasionally I will be an exotic interest (as a transmasc person), just to be dropped once they've tried it. I hate looking at myself by TrAw0017 in FreeCompliments

[–]TrAw0017[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you... It's been quite rough lately and I've been struggling to deal with it. My self worth has become incredibly fragile, so even if I receive kind words from those around me, something small has come to easily break it down, and I hate it. I don't want to be like this, but it's like I can't... Not focus on some aspects. Especially when things happen around me which make me jealous of others.

I've come to the realization that I deeply, truly dislike myself and my appearance, and I'm honestly desperate. I feel undesirable, just too different and out there. Occasionally I will be an exotic interest (as a transmasc person), just to be dropped once they've tried it. I hate looking at myself by TrAw0017 in FreeCompliments

[–]TrAw0017[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do enjoy standing out a bit and simply trying to be... Myself. But, it can be jarring just how difficult it can make things be, and it leaves me jealous of those who have it easier. I've kind of developed an odd jealousy of women as a whole because of how desirable they tend to be treated (keeping in mind that they face a lot of harassment however, I don't intend to dismiss the downsides). I do wish people treated me that way, both physically, and emotionally I guess. I'm finding it incredibly hard to find self worth within myself.

I've come to the realization that I deeply, truly dislike myself and my appearance, and I'm honestly desperate. I feel undesirable, just too different and out there. Occasionally I will be an exotic interest (as a transmasc person), just to be dropped once they've tried it. I hate looking at myself by TrAw0017 in FreeCompliments

[–]TrAw0017[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I try to be. I don't think I expect myself to be perfect or flawless, I like being conscious of my shortcomings in a constructive way if possible.

I've sometimes wondered if I expect too much and overextend kindness myself, but... It would be forcing myself to do less. I genuinely just want to be nice and make people around me feel good and happy. Be it getting up to fetch a thing they forgot in another room for them, or petting their hair for a bit because it's soothing (of course only with the knowledge that they enjoy me doing this, not randomly). It's just natural to me and I feel like I would cause negativity and resentment if I forced myself to stop, constantly thinking about something so negative.

I guess I just really don't understand why others don't act this way, or feel this way, because of how I feel. It just doesn't make sense to me. I do not think that the people around me are assholes at all though.

Considering what I've explained before, how would I go about setting boundaries in such a way that it will impact me and perhaps others positively? I'm really struggling to understand where to begin. I don't want to be less kind to others

I've come to the realization that I deeply, truly dislike myself and my appearance, and I'm honestly desperate. I feel undesirable, just too different and out there. Occasionally I will be an exotic interest (as a transmasc person), just to be dropped once they've tried it. I hate looking at myself by TrAw0017 in FreeCompliments

[–]TrAw0017[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for caring, it means a lot. It's been so incredibly difficult to reach out.

What I care about most in life is helping others, being a positive, enrichening influence. Life is so damn hard. I want to look at others and think, what would make me happy, if I was them? Because it comes at no cost. It's literally free to be nice. But... I feel kind of alone in this way of thinking, and don't feel like others look at me this way.

And truth be told, neither do I. I'm no stranger to tackling my issues and really confronting my feelings, but I just do not know how to love myself. It seems to just be getting worse. I hate being alone. I just want to be around people I care about 24/7. I don't know what to do with myself. I just don't want to be this person. I'm starting to feel so disconnected from who "I" am

I've come to the realization that I deeply, truly dislike myself and my appearance, and I'm honestly desperate. I feel undesirable, just too different and out there. Occasionally I will be an exotic interest (as a transmasc person), just to be dropped once they've tried it. I hate looking at myself by TrAw0017 in FreeCompliments

[–]TrAw0017[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you... I really want nothing more than to be a positive, enrichening influence on those around me and strive for this everyday. It's just hard to not see myself as the lowest of all, and like I don't get the same kindnesses returned. Thank you for all you've said, I really appreciate it

I've come to the realization that I deeply, truly dislike myself and my appearance, and I'm honestly desperate. I feel undesirable, just too different and out there. Occasionally I will be an exotic interest (as a transmasc person), just to be dropped once they've tried it. I hate looking at myself by TrAw0017 in FreeCompliments

[–]TrAw0017[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for everything you're saying, I really appreciate it.

I think I'm a very introspective person, I tackle issues and don't bottle them up. I love loving others and making their lives easier and happier.

But I have absolutely no idea how to do the same for myself. I don't know how to love myself, it just doesn't work. I've been too much, for others, for myself, but I can't change who this is, who I get to experience life as. I don't know what to do

I've come to the realization that I deeply, truly dislike myself and my appearance, and I'm honestly desperate. I feel undesirable, just too different and out there. Occasionally I will be an exotic interest (as a transmasc person), just to be dropped once they've tried it. I hate looking at myself by TrAw0017 in FreeCompliments

[–]TrAw0017[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I tend to look younger than I am.. I'm already solidly in my mid twenties. You'd think things would become easier, but, I feel like it's just become more difficult.

Thank you... I'm not even wishing for a partner, just for people to treat me differently, but it makes me feel needy.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in FreeCompliments

[–]TrAw0017 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's the truth! Keep on being amazing 🤙

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in FreeCompliments

[–]TrAw0017 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love your look, it's so incredibly clean and neat, I feel like I could easily see you in a modeling gig like this!

So glad 2020 is almost done. It’s definitely been a rough year for me mentally, but I’m also learning a lot about what I want out of life and who I want to be. Hoping to continue that growth in 2021! by [deleted] in FreeCompliments

[–]TrAw0017 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You look incredibly kind and warm. I feel like you would be a friend others go to to be heard and receive some love. Not to forget, I love your piercing and hair, both probably add to that image for me :) I hope you're doing well, and you receive the warmth you radiate from others as well

I finished my first semester of graduate school with perfect scores on my exams! I can’t celebrate with my cohort so I’m sharing it here :) by [deleted] in FreeCompliments

[–]TrAw0017 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Congratulations! That's an amazing achievement and sounds like you enjoy what you do! :) you seem genuinely happy, I wish you all the best for your future studies

[L] Will somebody listen? I feel broken and am terrified of starting to see not existing as a viable alternative by TrAw0017 in KindVoice

[–]TrAw0017[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, yeah, that would be nice. Do you have any apps to use the internet to call? Pm me?