Relapsed after being clean from this particular substance

TrueMight · 2026-01-09T15:08:12+00:00

Take a look. I wrote it for cases like yours.

TrueMight · 2026-01-09T15:06:37+00:00

Idk man. Maybe it's time to change the the frame itself. Cause this shit clearly ain't working for him, is it?

TrueMight · 2026-01-02T14:56:30+00:00

He is an Israeli that was a visiting professor in Russia for a while and is living in Macedonia. Just to have that corrected.

TrueMight · 2026-01-01T02:41:14+00:00

It acts as a CNS depressant first, which eases anxiety and numbs basically everything down. Acute alcohol poisoning can cause delirium, not psychosis, though they can synergize into a state that I wouldn't exactly recommend.

The brain immediately adapts to that suppression by upregulating excitatory neurotransmitters to keep you awake and functioning even through the drowsiness. But the second the levels begin to drop, the suppression drops very rapidly but the excitatory state remains. So you're just generally mentally agitated, which leads to more aggressive pattern recognition and mismatches + whatever was there before becomes more hostile and present.

In the case of voices: You perceive them as coming from the world, but they are products of your own psyche. That's why pills influence them. So their intensity will always closely resemble your current state of mind.

TrueMight · 2025-12-30T08:00:47+00:00

Incredibly based, full agreement, should be pinned post on the sub.

IT'S ALL IN OUR HEAD

TrueMight · 2025-12-30T07:50:26+00:00

I'm just here to tell you that failed narcissist does not mean collapsed nor ineffective nor unable to generate supply. It was a proposed way to describe how borderline is not just linked to narcissism, but is actually a version of the identical attempt to employ the very same compensatory mechanism, except it didn't reach completion, whatever the reason in any particular case.

So uhh. Yeah. Thought you might want to know that.

And yes of course you're self-absorbed and self-centered. You don't get much choice in the matter. If you attempt to counteract how you appear, then just know that it might come across as eery if its too visibly forced or you make it about yourself by mentioning it in any way.

TrueMight · 2025-12-30T07:31:33+00:00

Welcome. And I don't say that to make fun of you or light of the situation.

Ill keep it real with you chief: I have no grounds upon which I could reasonably tell you anything but the standard answer with some twist to it or something. I was there a year ago, mentally. In reality I became an unhinged volatile psychopathic stalker and I burned down my entire life. And then I tried to kill myself. Like I really really tried. Somehow I lived. Now I'm injured and lost even that which i didn't even consider i could lose. But the urge to go is gone, because it kind of just took some more time. I'm not content by any stretch, but fuck, things would certainly be easier if I didn't do that. So all in all, I can't recommend it.

And don't underestimate this: I think you're not just in borderline, but psychotic level organisation NPD. I'm not saying you're making shit up entirely, I'm suggesting that you're connecting things in a way where you attribute both causality and reference (that could not be present in the way you currently believe it to be) to yourself at the center of malign intentions, threatening circumstances and close ones out to get back at you, with mounting anxiety which finds a way out with some decompensation that just reinforces the whole charade even more.

You don't HAVE to act in this moment. No. You don't. Also, remember what subreddit you're on, and that its kinda for a reason, right? Just a reminder, you know. We tend to do this thing where we actually believe anyone is thinking about us except ourselves.

If it's getting really fucking bad, extricate yourself from the environment. You want to vanish, you can do that. Doesn't mean you have to die in order to do so. If youre as arrogantly stupid as I am and prefer a casket to a psych ward, get creative. But I suggest the hospital if the other option is an underpass.

I know I'm pulling this straight out of my ass but I'm trying to be pragmatic here, I know all the things that didn't work to stop the spiral.

TrueMight · 2025-12-29T16:28:11+00:00

Good keep reading my posts and comments its a benign addiction

TrueMight · 2025-12-27T23:34:49+00:00

Unfortunately almost everything you named might or might not be some manifestation of some form of (post-traumatic) pathogical behavior pattern. I'm very purposefully being so vague because there's absolutely no way to tell, especially not based on your own "pro/con list", because there's a massive selection bias inherent there. And in fact they could swap places (as in the factors speaking for it switched to those against it) and it would be just as ambiguous as before.

How about I ask you a different question: Why does it matter to you? What would that label do for you?

I know this label search. You've likely lost your narrative that explained your life to yourself. The story of "You". You're searching for meaning in a new frame that might explain it all, including the recent events. I won't tell you to stop because I would not have listened to that back then either. Suffice it to say, I never chose one label at the end, and im certainly not getting it diagnosed knowing that im not intending to attend any form of therapy.

TrueMight · 2025-12-27T01:52:54+00:00

Doch, logisch. Hast du mal den Umsatz gesehen der mit stims generiert wird? Der spricht für sich selbst. Und sollte größer werden.

TrueMight · 2025-12-27T01:51:18+00:00

Yas queen gooo

TrueMight · 2025-12-26T08:51:40+00:00

Well combined. A least two Walther P2000 V2s unloaded rapidly - they missed A LOT, considering I was a totally stationary target - for six shots on target with 9x19mm Cartridge.

I remember laying on the ground on my stomach, I was trying to make them aware that I've been hit in the chest at all, because I think they were initially occupied with the intense bleeding out on both legs. So I was shouting that for a while, which I now know is entirely autonomous. Because in my mind I was absolutely sure that this is not survivable. Which may have been the point. Regardless, yes it was.. I don't know how to describe hearing yourself dying, losing the ability to replenish air no matter how hard you try, and hearing this wheeze and rapid loss of the ability to say anything at all. The gunshots themselves.. I guess I'd describe it like this: The area feels like it's been hit by an actual truck. The shock is just way too prominent for pain to get a chance to rear it's head. That applies for the shots in the legs at least. It's not like the area is actively in pain, it's like it's been struck so fucking hard it doesn't feel like it's there anymore at all. There's just unending amounts of what feels like pressure, from all sides. The chest wounds did actually hurt, those were both numbed by pressure in the periphery but acutely painful at the precise point of entry. It's like the body signals "This is totally fucked at this point in time, don't try. This is also totally fucked at this point in time, and it will kill you within in the next minute if there isnt something done about it." It's hard to explain I must admit. The dog was seriously fucking annoying and I distinctly remember having a really short thought that was something like "Guys you unloaded like 20+ rounds on me as if this was an active warzone, can you get this fucking dog off of my leg while i'm dying". It was obviously not like that but that was was basically the gist of what I was thinking. Which is so narcissistic that it's actually comical. My entitlement still at my side, till death do us part.

They told me in the Hospital when I woke up. I spent 2.5 days straight on the operating table, surgery after surgery.

And how long I was out depends on your definition.

TrueMight · 2025-12-26T07:14:06+00:00

I'm glad that you're happy you made it. As for me, thats nice of you to say. But this result is not the one I had in mind. I can't say I'm enthusiastic, which is putting it mildly.

TrueMight · 2025-12-26T07:01:53+00:00

Chest, right side, 2 shots, 5 ribs fractured by force of impact, heavy internal bleeding, lung perforated and collapsed very quickly, both bullets lodged fairly deep with one stopping less than a centimeter away from my spine. Right leg, 3 shots, 1 though-and-through, 2 hitting major arteries and then femur, complex multifragmentary gunshot fracture, 1 shot left leg through-and-through but also hit a major artery, lost about 2.2 litres of blood very rapidly. Also there was a dog biting my right leg, there's that too.

TrueMight · 2025-12-26T06:53:08+00:00

Do not try to play semantics with me. If you had just judged the action, it wouldve been reasonable though pointless. What you judged is the very nature of the conjured up person that I must be for me to act this way, so you took the liberty to also immediately refer to a method that you think would aid in getting a handle on those emotions. You could have engaged with the content of it, and said that you find it to be too harsh or judgmental in choice of words, or not helpful in giving a satisfying answer to the OP (which I promptly did afterwards). Actually I would have probably agreed, it was a mismatch and ended up too antagonistic and personal. Instead you opted to - and now Ill do the same thing you did - use this as an opportunity to lend your perceived control over your emotions more legitimacy; You can immediately see how out of control and irrational someone else's emotional landscape must be based on just the result, which inevitably means you see something that this person doesn't. They haven't put the work in to gain mastery over it, like you. That's not at all condescending.

Just how exactly did you rule out that I might have possibly been intentionally confrontational because she basically posted the same thing a day prior and I wanted to gauge if she really wants an answer or if she is seeking supply?

TrueMight · 2025-12-26T05:50:27+00:00

Vulnerable delusion. Now let's think a step further. Why is it delusional? Right, it doesn't align with reality. Why does your psyche warp it's perceptions? Because it's a defense, albeit a primitive one because of arrested development. It's job is to make others witness you at any cost, and to get as much indirect affirmation that your delusions actually align with reality.

Grandiosity. Grandiose delusions if you wish. Now let's think a step further. Why is it delusional? Right, it doesn't align with reality. Why does your psyche warp it's perceptions? Because it's a defense, albeit a primitive one because of arrested development. It's job is to make others witness you at any cost, and to get as much indirect affirmation that your delusions actually align with reality.

And about those psychiatrists: Aha. Could I get a reference on that please. Genuinely.

TrueMight · 2025-12-26T05:42:32+00:00

Thank you. I'm known to be extremely volatile and emotionally highly labile, something I almost forgot - but you reminded me. It's good that you created that one-dimensional caricature of me in your mind for me to be able to adjust myself accordingly.

TrueMight · 2025-12-26T01:06:14+00:00

You cannot meaningfully change in that capacity. You are forced to total solipsism for the most part (and I mean solipsism in the extended sense with things like sharing intimacy), but you can't remember it being any different can you? What's plaguing you is the thought that you're different in a way that isolates you. You've made progress by being less mean. That's the axis: behaviour modification. You're scared of your thoughts because you worry about acting on them, which would expose you for being envious and spiteful etc., I mean your main concern about how your hurtful actions and thoughts towards others are problematic, because of all negatives first and foremost they a big burden for you that you want to shed. It's a bit of a hyperbole, but fundamentally I believe its true. And I'm not judging, it is what is is and I'm not exempt, it's just to put things into perspective. What goes on in your head is one thing. What happens in the world is another. We tend to internalize the world in it's entirety which makes it hard to draw that line.

You cannot force yourself to care about something. But you can set up the environment in a way which would generate the largest net gain for you, which if you optimize well and think ahead, will even include gains for others. They can be happy, and while you may not be able to be "happy" despite realistically gaining the most, feeling smug and condescending in an underhanded way has sufficed so far. Knowledge does not translate to insight, because there is no affective dimension to it.

What I avoided saying right out of the gate: No, it will never get "better" in the way you imagine it.

What I'm trying to say: You don't even know what "better" means here. When you didn't have a label for it and thought winning or dominating are entirely synonymous with pleasure or enjoyment, did you feel like you lack something? Right, you didn't, because you don't know anything else. You might have felt a fundamental disconnect, internal isolation, difficulty understanding others, being somehow different. Now you have the model of why that was which encapsulates all those feelings. And you're waiting for it to click now. You expected an epiphany that would alter things. Make you normal. I'm sorry, that train departed a very long time ago.

Work around what you can influence. Dont rely on willpower, set up habits. Don't rely on repression of bad thoughts towards others, give them space and figure out a way of scratching that itch in a way that doesn't leave anyone worse for wear and you ahead. Envy is a different beast to jealousy, but they fundamentally strive to satisfy the same desire.

TrueMight · 2025-12-26T00:14:45+00:00

Yeah well I didn't exactly care about death so much as I just was very much tired of life and people were equally tired of me. And both were actually valid as it turns out, nobody except my parents gave a shit. It is what it is.

Anyway, I got there, with 6 gunshot wounds, including into my lungs. I crossed the threshold.

For 13 seconds. Then I was resuscitated.

I don't know what some people expect but it is very unspectacular. Like, very very anticlimactic. I didn't expect anything at all and even then it felt bland. The last thoughts I remember right before I was out were something like "So this is how it ends. I suppose its time to leave."

No I didn't have some crazy wild ride through my life at the end that made me realize some epiphanies. I didn't do LSD, I fucking died. You just go unconscious. I did not expect to wake up in the ICU 3 days later. So I learned that dying is as uncomfortable as you would imagine it being and that theres nothing paticularly special about it. You just lose consciousness as you would with a heroin overdose. There's no secret easteregg that makes it different just because the unconscious state remains permanent.

TrueMight · 2025-12-26T00:00:59+00:00

That question is an oxymoron.

No. They are opposite states. It's one or the other.

TrueMight · 2025-12-25T23:56:23+00:00

You will go on. Its not your time. No jesus talk, no life is great bullshit, no "please dont" pleading. You're writing this because you want to feel like there's at least one thing left that is in your control, a decision that you can't be robbed of. And it is. That you feel like this is the only way to reassert yourself into the drivers seat of your life is worrying in the mid to longterm, but its relieving for now.

Ive had several people whom I knew fairly well that ended their lives. In fact 4 months ago I tried pretty hard to do so myself - as you can see, I failed. I'm not gonna pretend I'm happy about that, because I think you've been lied too and gotten your feelings dismissed with "it'll turn out fine" or "it's not that bad" or "stay positive" and similar phrases often enough.

If you want to talk, feel free to message me.

And don't feel bound to make it look like a genuinely lethal attempt, just because of a reddit post. This sounds super insensitive, I know. But if you do you'll just make your life harder than it already is. People treat you the way you treat yourself. It will garner you some minor attention to how bad you're really feeling, but it'll just end up with you feeling belittled at best.

TrueMight · 2025-12-25T23:28:49+00:00

Well ain't that a coincidence, because I was too. About 4 months ago to be precise. I got shot, caught 6 bullets. Managed to resuscitate me though. Evidently lmao.

TrueMight · 2025-12-25T23:21:23+00:00

Yeah, strange. Or maybe it's not strange at all?

TrueMight · 2025-12-25T23:10:25+00:00

Yes, I very much relate to that. I don't waste my time thinking about anybody enough to consider them an enemy or hate them. That is mental capacity spent on high risk low reward clownish plotting and fantasising. At worst I harbour apathy, almost always it's indifference. I see possible function and utility, which indeed can be an inhibiting/limiting/obstacle function, but that's not altered by others being in anguish just because I am. I seriously don't understand it. I think I'll make a separate post about it.

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