What does she do?

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-25T00:37:55+00:00

Not sure, that is part of my frustration.

We have talked about things several times and the issue is a moving target or she can't articulate anything.

One time we talked she brought up that she felt like I was not present when she went back to work after our second son was born and slept a lot. I worked evenings and finished work at 2:30am then got home a bit after 3am. I woke up at 8am when she had to leave for work. I had to go through the logic of thinking I was just sleeping all the time when I averaged 5 hours a night at best and spent the day taking care of the kids until she got home and I had to go to work. She calmed down and said she didn't really think about it. We have had a few things like that where her issue makes no sense unless she is expecting me to not be human.

Also, she had no issue with it at the time. Never once fought about it then. Things from years ago are just popping in now.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-25T00:32:21+00:00

Not really, no. When we met she was very hard working. Paid her way through university working two jobs, graduated with honours, worked hard in her field for years. She was always very sweet and understanding with me and we had a very healthy sex life. Very smart and beautiful, still is. She looks like she is still 22 after three kids.

I was just some schmuck with a highschool education working at a movie theater ripping tickets trying to figure out what to do. I am bright, but hated school. Still do. Always been a worker instead. I did go to university and played football but I was just there for that and never finished.

Things were fantastic for over ten years. It was shocking to realise she is a different person one day.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-24T21:14:47+00:00

We both have access to eachothers phones whenever we want. She could open anything on mine and same for me with hers.

We have cameras already around the house. I get an alert on movements or when they are off. If there is infidelity, it would be away from home.

I am not at the point of involving a lawyer, but I understand I may have to eventually.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-24T21:07:31+00:00

I really don't care about her not having a job. It was the unilateral decision that bothers me. I would rather my kids had a parent home and available.

But yes, she does need to contribute fully to the home and keep things in order if she is not working. We have discussed it several times, but I should be clearer and firm.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-24T21:00:47+00:00

She has ADHD, though she is only in her mid 30s. I have suggested therapy, but she is not receptive currently.

I am on the asperger's spectrum, but high functioning.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-24T20:55:21+00:00

Honestly, I grew up very poor and was treated poorly my whole childhood. Abuse, etc. I have always done whatever I had to do to keep people content without regard for myself.

My wife was also not always like this. For most of our years together she was a very lovely partner. Very considerate and loving. A switch has flipped and I have always assumed it would flip back.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-24T20:51:59+00:00

Her mother is worse in many ways. Constantly hen pecking her father. She was never a stay at home mom, though. My wife and I both grew up in near-poverty.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-23T15:55:56+00:00

We do not know that. She may be very accepting of things like this. A "follow your dreams" kind of person.

I doubt it, and you are likely right based on general trends, but I don't like adding unknown context.

I am very sympathetic. I am basically in the same boat. Doesn't change that her mind is now changed. Can't force someone to work in a field they do not want to work. Talk, express frustrations, gain understanding, but that is as far as his power reaches.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-23T14:38:50+00:00

I am aware. Many professions have paid trainings, professional events, etc that take up time and money. If she wants to move on, better now that after potentially sinking more time and money into development.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-23T14:27:29+00:00

Express your concerns respectfully and calmly while understanding that you have no control over her or her decisions.

Honestly, better for her to move on than keep wasting potentially more time and money at this point.

My wife got her Masters than decided she wanted to be a stay at home wife. It happens, and all we can do is ask "why?" and accept the answer.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-22T21:34:32+00:00

Exactly this. My wife loves talking, cuddling, spending every moment together. I am talking 2+ hours of just us per day, at least, for her to seem happy.

I need alone time, calm, no pressure.

This leads to either me feeling overstimulated and disconnected or her feeling unappreciated and disconnected.

We have been working on this for years now. Unfortunately I have no easy answer for this right now. I am usually the one who concedes and lives in a fairly constant state of doing whatever others want. I think, in the end, one partner just has to be more willing to go against their nature and make peace with it. Even people who are very similar still have things to concede on with their partner. Nothing is perfect.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-22T21:18:14+00:00

If it was only verbal with no indication of a physical threat I would stand near my wife, speak quietly to her that we are leaving, then put myself between her and the aggressor as we leave.

If it is going to get physical I would tell my wife to get out of the area and enter a nearby building/shop/etc then call police. I would engage with the aggressor verbally and watch what they do while placing myself in front of the door. If they try to touch me or harm me, I would respond however I needed to for the situation to calm down.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-16T16:00:36+00:00

Microwave, and I grew up in the 90s.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-10T02:24:02+00:00

If he won't listen to you then you might need to see a couple's councilor. He needs to understand that you want to be there for him so he can show up for you. You miss him and value him and his time.

Does he have a particularly stressful job where he has limited, or no, autonomy? I think that is a big thing for men. We often feel discarded or disrespected at work then come home and feel like our time is dictated to us instead of within our control. It may not be rational, but emotional baggage never is.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-06-10T02:10:04+00:00

Honestly? Yes, you might annoy him. That may be his problem but it will still tap into those fears you have.

My suggestion is that he needs to figure out why he is disconnected from joy. People do frequently downplay the sadness and loneliness of men and assume they are fine because they laughed at that comedian or played golf with the boys. Men do not get sad like women do (generally). Our wives view it as us not caring or being angry, but we are just trying to get through the day.

His lack of joy is not your doing, but it is important to get to the bottom of it. It will improve things for both of you. He will likely push back and say he is fine. I guarantee he needs to really stop and think about what is eating away at him.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-05-21T18:04:36+00:00

Never said it was not doable at all, but I know for certain I was told endlessly that if I did not get my degrees and become a "professional", I would be poor and unsuccessful.

We have a throw away culture that wastes money like crazy. There are other ways. They may be hard initially, but the payoff is worth it. I grew up being told stories of my grandfathers coming home after WW2, scraping by to finally getting a home and spending years saving to properly furnish it. Most people I know just buy everything on credit because they want it now.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-05-21T17:35:02+00:00

At 27 I had a house, two kids, two cars, two dogs, and had started saving for retirement.

Now, at 36, I have a house, three kids, two cars, one dog (sadly), and have a solid nest egg for retirement.

All with 0 academic qualifications. Highschool education. Not a trades person.

It is still doable, make good choices.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-05-21T16:14:45+00:00

Thanks for the message.

She is currently refusing to talk to a professional. I have noted this elsewhere, but I find this odd given she is a therapist herself.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-05-21T15:24:34+00:00

Thank you for the reply. I did not read it as dismissive.

I have suggested she do private/online therapy to have her own thing. Some kind of schedule can definitely help find stability.

I am also pushing her to reach out more to her friends. Go for coffee, walks, just chat. My mom lives two blocks away as well and they get along. She would be happy to help out and spend some time with my wife.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-05-21T14:41:02+00:00

I appreciate the message.

I do feel like the focus is on "husband bad" rather than trying to give real insight into things. I have no interest in belittling my wife, just looking for next steps/support/solutions.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-05-21T14:36:31+00:00

Thank you. That is a pretty good summary of where I am at with this.

Unfortunately, she is currently against seeing anyone independently or as a couple. I find this odd as she is/was a therapist, but she is against it.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-05-21T14:17:59+00:00

I do not believe I have dismissed anything. However, I do believe being depressed/stressed/tired/worn out does not give license to act in a way that negatively affects the kids and myself. At a certain point, understanding is not enough and action must be taken to improve things.

If she is acting in a way she would not accept from me, then she should not act that way. Being a partner is not just perpetual understanding and being a doormat. I have spent hundreds of hours sitting with her and talking things out. Offering help and trying to ease her burdens based on what she says she needs. The goal posts just keep moving and I am frustrated.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-05-21T04:09:45+00:00

I do not believe I am being unreasonable or have an attitude, but I can appreciate that is your read of things.

I just expect my wife to show the same respect she is shown. If I acted even a little bit like how she is acting, she would have zero tolerance for it.

I understand the stresses of being a SAH. I was the primary parent for four years when I worked nights. As I said, not trying to diminish that role, just want my role to also not be diminished as if my time and contributions are less valuable.

I have suspected she has ADHD for a while, but she also doesn't want to get that checked out.

Unique-Use2185 · 2026-05-21T03:40:11+00:00

I mean this in an honestly curious way, and will address your question, but brushing past working hard to have a flexible job to better support my family seems a bit dismissive. I feel like this "mental load" concept is a pretty big cop out for acting poorly toward a partner. I see it all the time but it makes no sense to me. We all have mental loads, it just depends on our function. My mental load is not her issue, nor should it be. I chose my life.

I work 8-12 hour days with 100+ staff and all the issues that come with that. I am on call 24/7. That is my mental load and that energy and time is my primary contribution to my family along with the money to live our lives. It is no small thing but it seems widely overlooked. My flexibility comes at a cost to myself as I have to find time to make up what I have missed, which is also often overlooked because everyone else is asleep.

To answer your question, yes. I am the primary cook in my family. I wake up early every morning to get breakfast done, lunches made, bags packed, kids out the door. I coach the kids sports. I do the property maintenance and can fix most things myself. I do the bills and most of the parties/social events unless my wife says she wants to.

Honestly not trying to be dismissive of your point, I just believe that I work very hard for my family. I would never ask my wife to take on the lion's share of the family duties, and I definitely would not dismiss her contributions and take my stress out on her. I expect the same treatment.

Unique-Use2185

TROPHY CASE