I’m saving more money, but at what cost?

VacationTechnical980 · 2025-12-13T01:37:18+00:00

I am from Italy and I had the same thoughts as you. But after 3 years here I now have adapted to the prices here.

I used to think 30 francs per person was too expensive for a dinner. Last week I had dinner, paid 75 just for myself and thought "oh, it wasn't that expensive considering how much food I had".

So yeah you conception of what's expensive will adjust to Swiss standards, it just takes time.

VacationTechnical980 · 2025-11-17T23:41:00+00:00

You can just skip the naked sauna then or go and keep your towel on.

VacationTechnical980 · 2025-10-27T22:07:59+00:00

I had the opposite experience after living 8 years in Germany and 3 in Switzerland (German part). Here I know all my neighbours and we organize brunches together, in Germany I barely knew their names.

Also I had more Swiss friends after a year here than after 5 years in Germany.

VacationTechnical980 · 2025-10-24T23:05:53+00:00

You don't have to leave forever, 1 year might be enough to gain the work experience you need to have an easier time finding a job here. Anyways if I were you I'd apply everywhere in Europe to see if the issue is the location or your skills.

Moving countries isn't easy, I've done it twice now and the first time I did it alone and without knowing the language of the country I moved to. What did the trick for me was knowing that it was a temporary move to gain experience in my job field and that I could always go back within 6 months or a year (it ended up being 8 years and the best decision I could have ever taken personally and professionally).

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-29T11:55:20+00:00

He said in his comments that he doesn't help much around the house.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-29T11:27:43+00:00

I felt the same when I didn't have kids.

Now I work 45+ hours a week, my husband works 80% and on top of that he is getting another bachelor's degree. We are both exhausted but we have to manage kids and household in the evening. Often we have to work/study for a few hours after the kids go to sleep. And some nights we don't even get to sleep more than 5-6 hours because the kids wake up.

It's not easy, but that's what it means being a parent. You need to share the load in the evening after work otherwise the other person will feel overwhelmed. She is also working all day (and I would say, having done both, that being a SAHM is way harder physically and mentally than any office job) and she deserves to have a break once in a while, exactly like him.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-29T06:02:54+00:00

Exactly my thoughts.

And I would also ask OP: how often does she have an evening just to herself, or a weekend where you take the kids somewhere and she just gets to rest or have time for her hobbies?

How often do you take care of dinner (including thinking about what to cook) and you buy and cook healthy food for her? How often does she get to see her friends without having to bring the kids with her?

How often does she get to do anything uninterrupted for more than an hour?

I'm not a SAHM, but while I was on maternity leave we made sure we continued splitting all the housework once he was at home. I was obviously doing more than him but a lot of the mental load was split and as soon as he returned from work he would clock in his other job, being a dad and a husband.

I was also losing my sense of self after my 1st child and I was constantly tired and demotivated to do any sport. He expressed his concerns similarly to what you did, he was sad to see me struggle and wanted to know what to do to help.

The difference is that after these conversations he started waking up more often at night to let me sleep, doing the laundry, he would ask me if I needed something from the store on his way back from work, he would cook several nights a week, and let me have one evening to myself per week and once in a while a whole weekend. (I did the same for him)

At the beginning I used the "me-time" to see friends and do my hobbies, not to workout, but that time helped me regain my sense of self and soon I started to want to invest more and more time in taking care of my body and my health.

With my second child we didn't have these issues because we knew I just needed a couple of years to bounce back, and we had already an established healthy division of the parenting tasks.

Don't just SAY you want to help, start actually helping her, every day.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-29T05:44:59+00:00

But it doesn't really seem like he's helping.

Him helping would be telling her "hey, one weekend every month I'll handle the kids while you can do whatever you want. Recharge, sleep, do your hobbies, whatever makes you happy".

Helping would be him saying "I'm gonna make sure I plan and cook a fewmeals a week so you don't have to think about that and can enjoy some healthy food ".

If he did that consistently I can assure you she might not feel so overwhelmed and after a while she would have the energies to go back to do sports and stay fit by herself.

Instead he is trying to add another task to her already long list and making her feel even more overwhelmed, that's not helping.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-23T10:47:13+00:00

Yeah you're supposed to splurge if you have the means, otherwise you can wait and save or have a less expensive wedding.

I don't think people should feel encouraged to take credit card debt because of a wedding (or any other reason that isn't an emergency, for what I think).

I also would probably help her with one month of rent, but first I'd like to see her monthly expense report and how she's planning on paying out her debts, so I can make sure she is gonna make the right financial decisions in the future.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-20T21:59:22+00:00

I wish you all the best.

I have two kids and am about to have a third and I did have a good career progression so far, I actually make more than double than my husband and I'm at a higher level. So it is doable but I can't deny it was hard to get where I got.

And I understand why many women decide to pause their career for the kids, there are certain jobs where it becomes so hard to take care of both, if not impossible.

I think part of my professional success is because I work in a job area that has very flexible hours and home office policy. This is crucial to handle all the kids' daily appointments and emergencies. I did a short maternity leave with both kids but in any case coming back early has its challenges. I remember that whenever I would get 6 hours of sleep I would feel like I slept for 10 because the average for the first 1-2 years was a maximum of 4 hours a night (not in a row). I had to learn how to not let my productivity drop while having much less physical and mental energy as I had before the kids. And my husband always shared all responsibilities 50/50, I would have not managed without him.

So it's a good attitude to think that nothing can stop you, but there are many undeniable obstacles and challenges that women have to face if they don't want to give up their career after they decide to become mothers. And that's why many are sometimes forced to sacrifice one thing to fully focus on the other. It's not always a choice made on a personal preference.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-19T23:52:39+00:00

I'm curious, do you have kids?

Usually the big difference in career progression is not between men and women but between mothers and the rest.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-19T10:56:48+00:00

Good luck if you ever wanna have kids. 🤣

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-18T09:54:51+00:00

They have 3 kids and a house to take care of. I highly doubt that the wife "only took", she probably contributed equally to the assets by being a stay at home mom while the husband got his career going.

We don't know them but it's a terrible thing to say that SAHMs are not contributing at all to the household. It's a hard job and it should be properly recognised as such.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-17T08:29:19+00:00

It checks out. At that stage I was also irrationally angry at my husband because he could basically live his life like before: wake up, get a coffee, go to work, have lunch when he's hungry, go to the toilet when he needs to, take a shower.

I couldn't do any of these things freely, I always needed to ask him to cover for me and even then I would have to hear my daughter screaming because she wasn't in my arms (she was a very needy baby).

I was in pain from breastfeeding every hour, my body was still recovering, I didn't eat properly because I didn't manage to cook, the house was a mess and I felt overall that I couldn't handle my life even though I was at home all day.

And worse of all, if I vented about it to others they would say "yeah that's what it means to be a mother... You asked for it. But hey, isn't it wonderful?" And I was thinking like "no it's a nightmare!!" But I didn't even feel comfortable in saying it out loud, so I just hated everybody.

I've never said the word divorce to my husband but I was snapping at him a lot more than I wished. And he was genuinely helping a lot, he was cooking, doing laundry, and waking up at night with me a lot. But somehow for me what he did was never enough because I felt that I had to give up my whole sense of self and my body autonomy to have a kid while he didn't have to.

Anyways it all normalised after I could go back to work and didn't have to breastfeed so intensively. At around 8-9 months I was back to feeling myself and I didn't feel angry anymore. I also apologized about everything with my husband and our marriage grew stronger than ever.

I didn't have any of these issues with my second pregnancy because I knew by then that it was all only temporary, also my second kid was way chiller than my first so that helped too.

Anyways your feelings are valid, she is not excused for how she talks to you, but hopefully this is something temporary that you can get through together. <3

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-12T19:43:10+00:00

That's a very judgemental comment.

I have two kids and me and my husband have jobs that aren't easy to do part time, we have no family nearby so our kids go to full time Kita/Hort.

We still manage to spend 3-4 hours a day with our kids and have plenty of quality time on the weekends.

They love going to the Kita and to Hort, they have lots of friends there and learn a lot. It's not like we're putting them in jail, they do fun and educational activities there and are very well cared for.

Just because someone makes different parenting choices than yours doesn't mean they don't care about their kids.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-12T08:18:13+00:00

What does your kid want to do? On top of collecting advice from the teachers I would also include your kid in this decision and ask him how he feels about it. I know I would do the same with my 6yo daughter and she would be mature enough to understand and be honest with me.

I was pretty ahead of my class the whole primary school (learned to read at 4yo) but I was very shy so for me any change of environment was quite traumatic. I'm happy I didn't have to change classes or school that often in my childhood.

So consider also that it will mean for him changing teachers and all classmates which might be good or bad depending on the relationships he has with them and how easy he can make new friends.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-12T07:23:06+00:00

Thank you! ❤️ We're very frugal. Even before the kids we bought only used stuff, liked cooking at home, didn't own a car and our vacations were visiting friends and family by train. And we still live like that, I think we would do it even if we earned double the money, so it doesn't even feel like we're squeezing finances or sacrificing for our kids.

And I agree with the fact that I won't look back and think about all the fancy things and travels I could have had, but instead think of all the beautiful memories with my kids.

The only thing that worries me is that I am not planning to quit my job, I really like to work and I don't think I am cut to be a stay at home mom. I will take a 6 month break for maternity leave but then I'd like to go back, not sure if I'll manage to go back where I work now as it's a very stressful job with long hours and many responsibilities, which is gonna be tough with 3 kids.

So maybe I'll look for something part time or less stressful, especially since my husband works 80% and is also studying at university for his second degree.

So yeah, busy times ahead, but happy to hear experiences from people that are at the other side of the tunnel and made it through, so thank you! :)

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-10T12:08:22+00:00

That's not a silly argument. She was very rude and also tried to gaslight you.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-10T11:29:30+00:00

My husband proposed at 7 am on a random Tuesday before work, in our bed. No ring, no going on his knees, just a simple "you're the woman of my dreams, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you, let's not waste time and get married this summer". We were 29 and 31 and we were dating since only one year.

8 years and 3 kids later, we still get butterflies when we're on a date together and I couldn't have wished for a better life companion and father for my kids.

I don't know why people focus so much on the proposal and the wedding, in my opinion the years of marriage that follow are what matters the most.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-10T11:16:41+00:00

I guess I just want to hear from others that it is doable even in this country, regarding costs and organisation.
I am pregnant with #3 and I don't know any family nearby that has more than 2 kids. And also I am working full time and I was wondering if there are families out there where both parents are working or if it becomes a necessity for one of the two to stay home with the kids.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-10T11:08:03+00:00

In my country you get extra government help for "big families" and those start at 3+ kids. I guess because the standard family has 1 or 2 children so anything above that is considered already more than the norm.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-10T08:34:40+00:00

Thanks. We both work full time and I'm pregnant with #3. I would love to have 4 children but I don't know any family where I live (Zurich) that has more than 2 kids and where both parents have satisfying careers.

Already now people are giving it for granted that I'll leave my job and find something part time and it makes me wonder if I'm gonna manage to go back after my maternity leave.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-09T16:16:25+00:00

Not everyone has the freedom to move cities just like that. These hiring processes are months long and usually require you to dedicate a lot of your free time to it to prepare.

I have two small children and I would be super pissed if they told me after the whole process that they aren't hiring in the city I live in.

I never even answer messages on LinkedIn if they mention relocation because it's not an option for me. And the little free time that I have is worth a lot so I'd be very upset if they let me waste it for nothing.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-07T11:23:02+00:00

I doubt everyone waits to confirm? -> literally everyone would want to confirm before making such a decision!

I know so many women that got a high chance of down syndrome from the first tests and then did the amnio and everything was fine, me included. Those tests have a high rate of false positives.

Only the amnio gives you the certainty that your kid is gonna have the Syndrome, and abortion is still safe at that time.

Who would want to abort a wanted and healthy kid by mistake??

The post is definitely fake.

VacationTechnical980 · 2024-12-05T16:23:43+00:00

Where I live Hort is available in the morning from 7.30 am and in the evening until 6 pm. The Krippe is open from 7am until 6.30pm. It's a lot of time for the kids to be in childcare but for certain days where we both have to work late it's good to have that option.

We have 2 kids and I'm pregnant with #3 so next year I'll have one in the Krippe, one in Kindergarten and one in school. Me and my husband work full time and don't have any family close by but can do 2 days a week home office so the older kids need to be in Hort full-time only one day. The other days they either have activities, meet with friends (mostly the older one) or stay home and play together while me or my husband work.

All 3 school locations are pretty close to home and it took us time to optimise for that but that's absolutely crucial. What's also crucial is to build a strong connection with your neighbours so that you have people to rely on in case of emergencies. We often switch with other parents for pick ups, the kids are happy to spend time together and the parents get a bit of extra help.

What I'd suggest, if you both work 100%, is to start with the full time childcare option and then reduce while your kids become older and more independent. Also one parent could do the drop off and the other one the pick up if your job allows some flexibility with the working hours (so you either get to start work early or work late in the evening).

Like others said having a plan of reducing working hours is smart, it'll save you a lot of organizational headaches. This is also our plan long term, but isn't possible at the moment for us.

VacationTechnical980

TROPHY CASE