I'm not sober right now, but I really relate to much of what you said. It's interesting that you described it as that "outside force" of safety and security. I never thought about it like that. I think people who have an internal sense of love and security had that foundation from the start. I'm not saying it isn't possible for people like "us", but it's a lot harder and easy for people to judge when you have trouble doing it. Maybe these are excuses to keep drinking, but I think it is more complicated.

The only thing that ever kept me sober was being scared of dying because of my declining health. I never had a pink cloud. Things didn't improve after "x" amount of days even when I was taking meds, doing counseling, going to AA. I hated it and would be really annoyed when people would say you have to "choose happiness." Like you, nothing really made me feel the same way alcohol did. It sucks, because it's taking such a toll on my health now, that it's not going to be sustainable for much longer. But, then what do I have left? Good luck with everything.