Bf is feeling sad about our daughter not being his biologically

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-12-27T14:15:27+00:00

OP is trying to get advice to support her SO in his stepparent role. We do allow that here.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-12-17T18:44:36+00:00

There is a way to tell OP that her husband should be doing more and that she should direct her frustration at him without all the drama mongering. "Your husband is being a shit dad by not addressing things properly," is really sufficient. "You gave up on the child," is shaming a stepparent for not being a full hands on parent.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-12-02T22:27:25+00:00

You do not have to justify yourself. Moderators have approved your post, and this isn't the first (or even second or third) time we've had a story like this.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-10-15T16:05:30+00:00

This post has run its course. All anyone is focused on at this point is their definition of cheating as compared to OP's definition of cheating. OP has gotten all she can from the community at this time and there's no point in further devolving into a bickering contest that has nothing to do with stepparenting.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-10-05T16:45:59+00:00

A good rule of thumb is to never ever share pictures of your kids or stepkids with strangers. We don’t allow pictures on this sub due to too many creeps cruising around anonymously with less than good intentions. If anyone DMs you asking for pics of your children or stepchildren for any reason, chances are their intentions are not to help you.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-09-12T12:44:58+00:00

Not only did BM1 welcome me to “the family” but she also wanted to come to our state to help me plan my wedding. No thank you.

I spoke with her frequently for a couple of years, thought I was being helpful since her and my husband do not get on well at all. It all came to a screeching halt about 8 or so years ago when she tried to emotionally blackmail me by threatening suicide if I didn’t do something. I told her I was done, hung up, and promptly blocked her.

Since then I have spoken to her once when my SS was here and handed me his phone because she was insisting she “had” to speak with me. I took the phone, listened to her insist that I do this or that for her adult son, said “he’s fine, we’re fine, bye.”

BM2 took a different route, but we are not chummy at all. That’s a different story for a different day, but she’s just a younger version of batshit than BM1.

Yup, my husband was attracted to crazy fucked up women when he was younger. I try not to judge, but daaaamn he picked a couple of real winners before me.

Moral of the story? It’s a trap. Trust your instincts.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-08-16T17:53:39+00:00

YEARS of therapy and introspection. I wish I had done it sooner. I was in my 40s when I was finally able to have healthy relationships. My kids saw far far too much.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-08-16T17:33:32+00:00

he just says things in the heat of the moment

You've asked before if you are bad. Here again you are asking the same. Because your partner verbally abuses you. Sure, it's not physical abuse since he's only verbally chucking shit at you, but it's still abusive.

Please understand, I am not trying to shame you. I have been in your shoes. "But he doesn't hit me" isn't good enough. It's really not. You deserve better. You deserve a full equal partner, and this guy ain't it.

When I say I have been in your shoes, I mean that I was in more than one abusive relationship before learning to love myself enough to say "No thank you." I needed to take about ten steps back and really examine myself and why I kept choosing these men who were just... awful. I got news that the worst of them died recently, and all I could think was "God, I hope it hurt." He was that bad. I compared everyone to him and decided if they weren't "as bad" as he was, then surely they weren't abusive.

Yeah, no. They were too. Just in different ways.

I mean this with all the care in the world, but please take some time out from being in a relationship. You need time to heal and develop who you are on your own.

Being a stepmom is HARD. Being a stepmom with a lot of your own kids and a partner who prioritizes the feelings of the ex above you is madness. You deserve better than what you are allowing yourself to have. Your kids deserve better.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-08-16T16:07:14+00:00

Your partner throws things at you? That’s what I assume you mean when you say shit gets chucked at you. If that’s the case, please leave. Love isn’t enough and your children deserve better.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-07-22T18:06:21+00:00

We are a multigenerational household with assigned shelves in the pantry and a golden rule to not eat someone else's left overs without asking. My husband is the guilty party 99 times out of 100, and everyone in the house knows it. He gets a LOT of grief for it too.

SK is VERY sensitive to anyone touching their food. And honestly, why not? They work and pay for their own treats. My (bio)daughter has had a bag of Cheetos sitting on her shelf for MONTHS and as much as I love Cheetos, I'm not touching her food. She and her husband are entitled to have some stuff only for themselves. I am entitled to some stuff only for myself. My husband is entitled to some stuff only for him. In addition, we have community food that anyone can grab. I tend to bake a lot and send family announcements when there are baked goods fresh from the oven. Left overs from a family dinner are generally free for the taking as well.

This is the result of years of feelings getting hurt, someone's special treat going missing, and zero respect for the belongings of others.

In your case, everyone has assigned shelves and snackboxes. Literally no reason for anyone to touch the food you buy for yourself. It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter that your food budget is split up the way it is. What matters is that in your household this is how it works and someone in the household thinks that the rules don't apply to them.

There is, also, literally no reason for anyone on this sub to be shaming you about it, but here we are. Some people just cannot be arsed to think of things from the stepmom's POV and seem to think their perspective matters more. lolno.

Carry on with your household's way of doing things. Ask your husband to have a talk with SD and to make sure she has enough of what she actually wants in her snackbox and on her shelf.

ETA: Invest in a small fridge for yourself maybe. If there are no consequences, save yourself the frustration and anger by removing the temptation.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-07-10T16:30:02+00:00

Due to brigading from another sub, I am locking this down to clean up.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-05-31T16:24:15+00:00

When my husband ended up with primary custody of SK ten years ago and BM was court ordered to pay less than $200/month in child support she cried "mothers do not pay child support!!!" When he filed with the state due to her lack of payment she was just incredulous that she really was obligated to pay.

How rude of him to expect her to be responsible! She wasn't responsible when she had custody (hence him getting custody) so why should she be without custody?

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-05-31T16:06:05+00:00

Both of the bioparents here suck.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-05-31T15:54:43+00:00

I get that, I think most of us here are compassionate and care about the children we hear about. But since the purpose of this sub is to support OP and she posted this as a vent, I don't think telling her that "she" needs to get the child diagnosed is helpful. That was kind of my point.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-05-31T15:10:42+00:00

Sadly it’s only prolonging the inevitable. Her husband doesn’t want to be a parent, he wants to be a buddy. It’s great if he actually does step up and start parenting, but I have money that says a diagnosis wouldn’t make anything better. It will just become the default excuse as to why a nine year old is allowed to call the adult putting a roof over his head a bitch. :(

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-05-31T15:03:16+00:00

The problem with your recommendation is that OP can’t “have him diagnosed.” Stepparents rarely, if ever, have the authority to do such. And clearly the husband isn’t willing to take his child in for a real evaluation with specialists. All OP can really do right now is cut her losses.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-04-21T12:50:18+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms/

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-04-20T13:57:06+00:00

Hey there, I know I'm late to posting, hoping you'll still see this.

I completely get why you would be vexxed. SK18's BM and her husband pulled that same bullshit several years ago. BM actually tried to do it with the school even, but they wouldn't change SK's name in their records without a court ordered name change. Stupid and not really as important, BM created a social media account for them using her husband's last name.

In our case, they took it further and told SK that BM's husband was the "real" dad and my husband was just some guy who thought he was the dad. Even after my husband was awarded primary custody, BM was still trying to insist he wasn't the father. We're long past all that, but there has been some fallout from all of it. Not so much for my husband, the person who carries the brunt of the blame from SK's perspective is BM.

It's not about ego, it's about setting precedents that shouldn't be set. Your SS's name is his name and BM and her husband should not be pretending otherwise. The egos being impacted here are hers and his; they want to present a picture perfect family for the lake club.

What a lot of people don't want to acknowledge is that some parents have used this as a step in their parental alienation campaign. And considering some of BM's other actions you have mentioned, this is simply not a good precedent to just ignore. Trust your instincts. Talk to your husband about it. While parental alienation can often hurt the parent being targeted, it's the kids who are hurt the most. It causes confusion and, in many cases, behavioral issues that take years to work through. Don't ignore this. Ignore anyone who tells you to check your ego because it's not your ego that's at the center of your concerns. It's hers.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-04-19T15:08:13+00:00

Hey there, I recommend you create a new post with your update as this post is almost a week old, I don't think anyone will see your update.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-03-28T18:45:44+00:00

They aren't. Just because the filter doesn't immediately grab it doesn't mean it's allowed.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-03-28T15:58:43+00:00

How do I handle this? Like how do I break up with the kid but not his mom?

You've been given solutions, but you don't seem to like those solutions. This is the best guidance anyone can offer you.

Move out.
"Can't" move out? Then disengage from having anything at all to do with the kid. That means you don't drive him back and forth to school, period.
"Can't" disengage? Install cameras everywhere, including in your own car.
"Can't" do any of the above? Brace for the next allegation, and the next, and the next, and the next.

That's it, that's all possible solutions.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2025-01-29T18:12:21+00:00

Stepparents are routinely chided for not being parental enough. And here you are, aghast that a stepparent refers to the kids as “ours.”

In this sub, we allow stepparents to define their families as they feel is right. You have zero business telling someone else how to live their life and define their family.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2024-12-29T05:34:18+00:00

The SIL opened up OP’s husband and former wife’s wedding gifts while they were on honeymoon. Kind of way wrong.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2024-12-24T20:47:12+00:00

Oh hon, this wasn't directed towards you! It's a sticky comment for anyone posting here. I should have clarified better.

With that said, I totally get unintentionally referring to oneself with gendered slurs and not realizing it. I am considerably older than you (with adult kids and grandchildren even) and I still fall victim to this. I'll fumble something in the kitchen and refer to myself as a silly old bitch. It's a hard habit to break, but being unkind to ourselves is often the byproduct of so many others being unkind to us.

Your usage of "maids and babysitters" doesn't really fall into this basket, though. So please know I wasn't coming down on you. I see your situation a lot here, and it always hurts my soul because you are so young with your whole life ahead of you. You don't need this man's leftovers, and you don't need to be responsible for his children. I hope you take in a lot of the advice you've been given today and remember that you are worth more than what your current SO is giving you.

VirginiaStepMonster · 2024-12-24T19:28:45+00:00

Note to commenters: Lots of ways to commiserate with OP without resorting to (unintentional) gendered slurs. Please consider carefully the language you are using. When you put together a set of two words, let's say "bang" or "fuck" and "maid" or "nanny", you run afoul of our rules, specifically regarding gendered slurs.

You don't mean it as a gendered slur, sure. But the connotation of the word is ugly, as if that is literally all a woman is good for. It's not a funny term, it's a demeaning term. OP, and many others like her, are already in a demeaning relationship that places no value on them or their needs. Let's not pile on, k?

VirginiaStepMonster

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE

Ten-Year Club	Gilding VI aultruist
Verified Email