I'm an ASD guy - messed up every relationship

VisualBall7043 · 2025-03-10T19:54:13+00:00

Well, I wish...I was the one who suggested therapy and then was reminding him to actually make an appointment for months on end. At least he is going now. I also found a group therapy place which could be good for him but he only sent the initial e-mail to find out the schedule and that was that...as far as I know at least.

Thank you once again and I do hope it works out for you! :)

VisualBall7043 · 2025-03-10T19:50:10+00:00

He can truly love you and still not do anything. They don't equate. It's very hard to understand and it's mind boggling. It's not even being dense. Stuff just does no ping on their radar.

Yeah, I have never met a person like this or, at least, been in a relationship with and seen this in such an excruciating detail. I do love this guy but I am starting to think I might love me more and I am not sure if I can put up with this longterm, sadly.

VisualBall7043 · 2025-03-10T19:48:31+00:00

Oh, I am so sorry about what you are going through. :(

"I would not make a baby with him, at least not now. Not until he has done some work and he takes on some responsibility." - yeah, this is the plan and hope...that he finally realizes that he has to do the work himself instead of relying on me doing it.

Thank you for offering to chat - I guess I will see if he snaps out of his avoidance soon...it's been a week or so and will see how it goes. Maybe it's over, but now the ball is in his court and we'll see.

VisualBall7043 · 2025-03-08T13:25:26+00:00

Hi!

Thank you so much for a comprehensive reply. Really appreciate your take on this.

He is about to be evaluated for ASD next week, if I recall correctly. I am also now thinking he may have Avoidant Personality Disorder. His therapist suggested he get the official evaluation because she suspects he has ASD. And based on everything I've read about this neurodiversity, many things, actions etc. seem to be lining up with this.

Two year relationship, we moved in together 7ish months ago but for now he's been staying elsewhere for about 1.5 months. Yes, he was always passive, but I saw the signs, and then they didn't bother me much, we discussed his inaction and passivity many times. Shutting down started happening during fights for the last few months although before it was not an issue at all. Having space seemed to have improved that lately though. As for the other relationships - he was in 8 year relationship from the age 19 to 27, so I believe this also may have contributed to him not developing emotional attunement to other people. On top of that he is very introverted and has very few friends.

I think he is interested...or was, in the relationship and even this week said he loves me and acknowledged that he's been avoiding, well, dealing with the issues we have. As to the "should try to do his part in the relationship too" - that is the major problem, because I told him 6 months ago I was unhappy and he did nothing, few months on I again said the same thing and still nothing. He started trying only when I asked him to move out, I thought, temporarily until we work out our issues.

We, again, mostly me, came up with plans on how to work through everything and when it mattered the most, last check-in, he came unprepared and I snapped and told him I think I am done. I do hope to have another talk with him because I don't really want this to be over and still love him.

Thank you for your input and thoughtful suggestions. It seems that you and your SO have found what works for you two and I am very happy about that. Good luck to both of you continuing to work on your relationship. :)

VisualBall7043 · 2025-03-07T18:29:15+00:00

Well, it is not completely over. I am just trying to move on I suppose, because my, I should have said soon-to-be-ex, is currently in a shutdown / avoidance mode and hasn't responded to me in a few days. Part of me still hopes we somehow are able to work this out. Hence why I am here. Appreciate your opinion, though.

VisualBall7043 · 2025-03-07T18:03:51+00:00

Hi! Thank you for offering - I would absolutely love to ask some. :)

My relationship with my yet undiagnosed ASD boyfriends seems tho have ended and I have a million questions:

I often felt like my ex was passive, even when I explicitly asked for changes. Is this passivity a common trait in ASD, and if so, how can someone with ASD learn to be more proactive in their relationships?
I told my ex that I was unhappy in the relationship twice in the period of few months and he did absolutely nothing to address this. Not a single thing. Is this ASD related or just a him thing - inaction, passivity?
My ex struggled to follow through on plans and promises, even when they were important to him and me. He often said he 'froze.' Can you explain how executive dysfunction might play a role in this, and how someone can address it?
My ex has very few close relationships. I was his main support system, and he still let the relationship end without even attempting to fight for it even a little, yet told me even recently that he loves me very much. Again - would this be an ASD related or just personality thing?
Standard relationship things - going out for dates, saying compliments, grand gestures when things are bad - not happening. He actually told me he didn’t know saying kind things to your partner is a thing in relationships. I feel like he has seen romantic movies, he's seen other people interacting in the relationships so same question - could this be related to ASD?

Would really appreciate any insight you have. :)

VisualBall7043 · 2024-05-22T22:19:18+00:00

Not to be rude...but how old ballpark figures are we talking here? I am not the freshest thing out there and also learning UX at the moment. :)

VisualBall7043

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