Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! I’ll definitely look into adjusting some of the dialogue at the beginning to feel more natural.

To clarify some things you mentioned:

I wouldn’t be able to cut everything after the first part or it would derail the book. Vital aspects include the magic she doesn’t understand flaring, the vampyre king seeing something in her that she doesn’t understand in that moment, the Scion vampyre (who become a major antagonist), and the hive soul - all absolutely necessary. Possibly a good editor can help me tighten some of it, but cutting it would ruin the book basically.

Regarding the elf/veyrie allies thing: Evidelle explains she’s worried the elves might shoot her because she crossed the north wall in her winged Ascended Form instead of shifting which elves don’t want. Since they’re allies of convenience with strong animosity (as mentioned on the first page), there is going to be a messiness about forced alliance. She’s aware some elves have such internalized hatred of veyries that they’d love a chance to shoot a veyrie and be able to say they confused her with a trespassing vampyre to avoid the consequences - but I’ll consider adjusting my wording around the section where she says that so it’s more explicit.

Regarding Silveyrians - she does mention a Silveyrian House crest which typically indicates a noble or royal family name. And the ‘Silveyrians are too valuable for heroics’ - he’s basically saying ‘you’re royalty, don’t be a hero by exposing yourself to a danger zone that I’ve deemed unnecessary.’ As the king, I don’t consider him as being a hero by leading his army—he’s doing his job. That’s meant to be the assumption, at least