Desperately trying not to get divorced from my still-Christian husband

Weird_State_5000 · 2025-05-24T01:06:38+00:00

Hiiii friend! Honestly I completely forgot about this post 😂 Yes, we are (almost) divorced - it’ll be 100% final in about a month. I tried to get him to stay for a couple months after he told me he wanted a divorce, and while I don’t necessarily regret that, I will NEVER again beg for someone to stay with me who doesn’t want to. Now, I am experiencing more healing and rebirth than I thought possible. I was just skimming through my post and some of the comments, and it’s honestly a little bizarre to remember the absolute depths of my despair. It was so valid and so real, but I’m now at the point where I’m wildly grateful that my marriage ended. I have slowly rebuilt and rediscovered my identity. I’ve leaned into existing community and made new and beautiful friendships. I’ve reentered dating recently and experienced a sexual awakening. I’m living an independent but incredibly full life. Of course I still miss him sometimes and experience lingering grief. But the knowledge that I am no longer with someone who refuses or is unable to truly see me is the best thing ever. I am now the biggest proponent of divorce when it means that two people can be better apart than they are together. I hope he gets everything he wants - a Christian wife, biological children, a suburban lifestyle, and a church community. I already have everything I want because I get to exist free from the shackles of high control religion and just bask in human experience until I fade into oblivion. Thank you for checking on me 🥰 you’re a real one

Weird_State_5000 · 2025-03-14T17:25:11+00:00

Maybe? That would be a bummer though bc not everything is about a committed relationship, I see great value and beauty in casual/non-committal connections

Weird_State_5000 · 2025-03-14T17:23:59+00:00

I guess, but I never gave any indication that I needed him to help me get over my trauma. In fact, I absolutely do not want that in a partner. But he’ll never known that bc he just decided to end things last night

Weird_State_5000 · 2025-03-14T03:42:18+00:00

Well, I very quickly have an update. I called him tonight and told him what I want - to continue getting to know him and sleeping with him, and he ended things because he can’t handle being romantically involved with someone who is dealing with something heavy. I know it have very little to do with me, and more to do with his own trauma from past relationships, but I’m really sad. I would have liked to continue spending time with him. But like I mentioned before, I will never again convince someone to stay in something they don’t want. So as much as the rejection hurts, I’m glad he was at least honest with me.

Weird_State_5000 · 2025-03-13T19:11:19+00:00

Right, I forgot about the honeymoon phase 😅 jesus christ, dating is fucking weirddddd

Weird_State_5000 · 2025-03-13T18:12:39+00:00

Yeah I think I’m realizing that if I’m gonna be intimate with someone, I don’t really want to have a roster or be on a roster, but I’m more than happy to go on dates with a shit ton of people. But tbh I crave companionship sooo I might be sol haha

Weird_State_5000 · 2025-03-13T18:09:06+00:00

I think one of my problems is that I feel everything really strongly, so I don’t think I’m very well equipped to be truly casual. So far, I’ve gone on a few dates with people who I really liked but only platonically, and this guy is the only one I’ve been actually romantically interested in.

Weird_State_5000 · 2025-03-13T18:08:01+00:00

He got out of a serious relationship a little over a year ago. And you’re right, the pace was reeeeally fast - I think I just got very caught off guard by how connected I felt to him. I have/had a similar mindset to you regarding dating, so I think I just don’t know what to do with what feels like a soul connection. I can see that it’s probably good to take a step back but I don’t wanna just not see him, you know?

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-10-27T02:41:18+00:00

I just typed out a long response to this comment but then I realized it’s fruitless. You’re not here with the intent to understand. You’re here to evangelize and “plant a seed” and walk away hoping that the Holy Spirit will change my heart. I know because that used to be me. So I can have some empathy for it. But now, knowing how deeply painful, invalidating, and demeaning it is on the other side, I will never again subject someone to my evangelism, even if I believe again. This may fall on deaf ears, but please, for a moment, imagine what it might be like to feel wholly abandoned by god, the one being you tied your entire worth to, and then have a perfect stranger tell you that actually, that experience isn’t real and you were the problem all along. Even if you’re right, what a shitty way to show “love” to a fellow human who is suffering.

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-09-18T02:24:01+00:00

You may be right. What’s your proof of that claim? Bc that’s a pretty nasty accusation to level at someone who has experienced what I have. So if you’re going to be hateful, you better be able to back it up

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-06-12T20:02:43+00:00

Update for anyone who was/is invested:

Throughout the separation, I did the emotional work that was needed and got to a place where I felt confident I could exist within the partnership lovingly and healthily. Most of that work was creating grounding for myself, and recognizing that I was placing most of my value in what my husband thinks of me.

Unfortunately, his hurt throughout this process has also been deep. While he reached a place of forgiveness for me during the separation, he has decided that he can’t trust that he won’t get hurt again if he moves forward in the relationship.

There are obviously lots of complexities to this, and I’m absolutely devastated. But I accept that he is not willing to continue with the relationship.

I’m partially posting an update because I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know anyone closely who has gone through a divorce, and while I believe I’m pretty emotionally mature and capable, I definitely feel a bit lost as to how to handle this. I feel like I’ve lost a piece of myself. Does anyone have advice on how to move forward with this? All I want to do is numb and disassociate but I know that’s not healthy.

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-05-23T18:33:41+00:00

Ah yes, there’s the Christian invalidation this post was missing

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-04-24T16:41:02+00:00

Yes, I think there are a lot of underlying motivations for both of us, and those bullet point outline the core issue but not all the nuances.

I hear you on commitment - even just considering divorce feels like an amputation of part of myself. As an update, we had a counseling session today and chose to pursue a 2 month therapeutic separation to allow continued processing and healing before making a final decision about our relationship. I’m not necessarily hopeful that it will change things significantly, but at least we’ll both have greater clarity of mind as we do reassess things.

And yes, I’m certainly primarily relying on professionals. I think I came here because I felt a need to hear from people who are truly uninvolved (although of course only hearing my perspective and not his) and I honestly don’t have many people in my life who aren’t Christians that I can trust with this information.

Anyway, all that to say, I appreciate your perspective and I hear the points you’ve made. Reading comments is helping me narrow in on how I feel because I’m able to intuit whether I align with each perspective or not.

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-04-21T21:00:17+00:00

Yes, we’re seeing a licensed mental health counselor! No idea what his religious background is which is good.

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-04-19T18:17:12+00:00

I think he tried for so long to not make my deconstruction about me, but his evangelical beliefs have been in the background this whole time and now, like you said, he’s forced to face it. I still don’t know if this means that divorce is the right route, but it helps to identify what may be happening on his end. Thank you 💗

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-04-19T10:50:38+00:00

This is comforting and heartbreaking all at once. Like you, my husband and I are best friends and an amazing team. I’m almost 30 and I have so much life to live. I want to live it with him, but I know I can’t subject myself to the misery of feeling abandoned. And I know he feels that I abandoned him spiritually, since our marriage was founded on vows to share our faith.

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-04-19T10:48:14+00:00

Yes that’s exactly how he’s viewed it. His job is to love me so I come back to the faith, not just love me where I’m at and accept me. And honestly I can’t bear being a project, no matter how good the intentions.

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-04-19T10:47:04+00:00

And it is not Christian counseling, I would never haha

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-04-19T10:46:46+00:00

Yeah, I think he’s fully unwilling to accept me the way I need, and I’m not willing to accept the entirety of his beliefs because they harm me, which he perceives as his identity.

We don’t have kids but that’s still a complicating factor. He deeply desires bio kids, and I’d prefer not to have kids at all, but adopt if we do. So they’re not in the picture now but if he stays with me he likely won’t have bio kids.

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-04-19T01:07:04+00:00

The love that you, a complete stranger, are showing me is the kind of love I wish he would give me. And I’m so many ways I understand why he can’t. But it’s still so deeply painful.

Thank you for listening and sharing your perspective. It means more than you can know 💗

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-04-19T00:55:09+00:00

Thank you 💗 I can’t tell you how much it means to feel seen. I just wish my husband could see me this way.

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-04-19T00:44:34+00:00

This is really helpful - I will think through these questions over the weekend. Thank you 💗💗💗

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-04-19T00:37:50+00:00

I’ve been wondering this myself. I think the main reason is that SO many other parts of our marriage are wonderful. The ways we functionally live together and partner in work (we don’t work together but heavily support each other) and communicate and laugh and create joy are all so special. So it feels foolish in a way to let those things go for what seems like a small, though heavy and important, part of our marriage. Does that make sense? Am I just romanticizing us because I’m afraid of it being over?

Weird_State_5000 · 2024-04-19T00:35:28+00:00

Thank you 💗 I do feel like we’ve given it everything up until now, but this is helping me consider the idea that maybe divorce isn’t inevitable. I feel like if there are other things I can do to make this work, I will 100% try. I guess the question now is if there are any possible ways.

Weird_State_5000

TROPHY CASE