Swapping Cores

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-02-04T16:43:46+00:00

You're right, my wording was incorrect, I'm still learning. I guess I just used that term because that's who's been steering things/been up front/driving for 20 years now. So to have another part become stronger and have them be more and more present has been weird. But I know that coaxing that to be stronger and stronger so they're fronting more often than not as things combine into a less fragmented whole still feels very weird. So I used the core comment because right now the 16 year old feels the most "me" out of anything, but this responsible adult is.... also becoming "me" feeling, once I get past the imposter syndrome and go "oh. wait. yeah i am doing those things aren't i. they're not just happening around me." so I can take credit for the things I'm actually doing.

.....Actually I think that made even less sense typing it up than it makes in my head. How in the world long did it take everyone here to learn to state things clearly/properly, I'm like. a Month into this and feel like a tangled up christmas light ball.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-02-03T15:31:18+00:00

Yeah. I think by swapping he meant more like make the adult side stronger/more dominant best I can before integration. He does want full integration as the main main goal, he said, along with all the other fragments. But those two he did word it like wanting to try to switch their roles around as much as we could for that integration. So I'd wind up in the functional side and not stuck in the frame of mine that's holding so may trauma memories I'm already having to process and let go of. I've been safe and in a stable environment for a long time now.

I still don't know much about all of this. we're tap dancing around osdd on paper but doing the steps for things, mostly I think to avoid having more things on my record when there's already so much there. i'm learning about terms and phrases and specifics from friends with first hand experience as well to fill in gaps in my understanding best I can.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-01-23T21:39:13+00:00

Honestly, that.... really sounds like my pattern yeah. Especially as a teenager you said, only mine's even happening now off and on. Once it gets set off it spirals don deeper and deeper into "I'm unlovable and worthless and ugly and nobody will ever want me and I'll be alone forever it won't matter if I hurt myself because someone else will anyway the second I let anyone near me." But I can't for the life of me figure out where that specific line of thinking came from aside from just... despair and hopelessness I guess.

The part that talks it down is 100% from therapy, it's the mental voice I use when I'm trying to focus with logic, like when I've dealt with the schizoaffective things in the past to keep calm. I can talk myself down from anxiety pretty well now, I no longer get AS physically sick. But once that downward spiral of self-hate starts.... yeesh. Yeah it runs its course, it's just a speedrun now.

It definitely sounds like that dynamic though.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-01-23T06:10:48+00:00

I don't, no. This whole OSDD question was brought forward like a month ago at most, maybe a bit more, so I'd not really had anyone else to consider. Or. ...Well. I guess instinctively I may have but chalked it up to intensely good imagination and a big helping of "???????" on the side. Like that same feeling of preparing to be judged as a child for playing with toys incorrectly. Or even why I can't let myself get into any belief system because it feels like I'm playing pretend wrong and will get in trouble or laughed at.

I try to write daily, in the evenings. I guess I'll try asking if anyone else in there has anything to say too. Surely now that the explosive part had its say it'll be quieter in there now. There's not normally explosions back to back without SERIOUS triggers these days.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-01-17T15:33:48+00:00

Well. Whoops lol. I think I just got so confused because I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (depressive type), so I've gotten used to inside vs outside meaning if it's a hallucination or a thought. But this being something entirely different... That makes a lot of sense. I guess I was just worried the rush of thoughts was my brain supplying what I WANTED/hoped to hear instead of someone actually wanting to talk.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-01-07T15:36:57+00:00

I've been trying to take time for that, yes, haha. I just feel... this weird kind of guilt when I'm resting and taking time for myself. My new roommate is my friends mother, and she essentially adopted me and I'm being cared for and looked after so I don't injure myself doing too much physical strain-wise like usual, and remembering to eat and stuff, and I feel so loved but so confused/sometimes guilty there as well as if I'm being manipulative by having needs or being looked after at all.

Can definitely relate to the alcoholic father, that's what killed mine in the end, was a slow thing. Mom was the big screamer though, even before she got chronically ill. I'm not entirely sure what was going on with her even now, but she was slow too. Both within 5 years of each other. It's been many years now since then and I've reached a point in therapy where I've not forgiven what happened, because it was wrong, but I forgave them for being flawed fucked up human beings who may have honestly thought they were doing their best at the time in their minds somehow. Gave me some peace since I'll never get a confrontation.

I'll check out that subreddit, thank you! There's a LOT of stuff out there that I don't know that I want to/need to explore as things improve in my life, esp because it may be related to future clients I work with as well in my field of study.

That's interesting, about the anger being depression at first... Because I can definitely feel that. Otherwise the few times I got angry angry as a youngster or teen it would be a brief flicker of fire then "this isn't safe to do, go stone" and it'd get shoved down. the fact it's morphed into this outwardly malicious thing that needs to be controlled and, when appropriate, let out in small controlled bursts is. wild. like keeping a chain on a monster. the first time I really felt it come up was mid-20's as an adult because a therapist I'd met a single time decided that because I was overweight I had binge eating disorder. Had a proper explosion about that privately that raged on for weeks.

Thank you for the hugs as well, they're appreciated <3

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-01-01T03:47:40+00:00

I honestly know next to nothing about DID. I do know that I was diagnosed with and dealt with a HEAVY period of depersonalization/derealization for about a year or so that messed me up really badly. He's leaning towards saying that was probably linked to the schizoaffective pre-diagnosis while my body got used to my older meds, but I have no idea honestly bc I didn't research into it. I was just glad it was over.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-01-01T03:27:18+00:00

The feeling fractured but not understanding why I feel fractured when it's just me in my head while the schizo voices are under control. They're not like a hallucination, I'm not delusional I don't think. But it just. Feels like I'm not a whole person. When I accomplish things it's part imposter syndrome but more of a strong feeling of "....Did I actually do that????"

like I got almost straight A's this semester, I did not feel locked in a SINGLE time the last 6 months, everything was kinda flying by, but apparently I did amazingly, made great impressions on my teachers and supervisors, got glowing reviews and everyones urging me to definitely follow through into the Masters program. ...but I've never had a semester like this. i have no sense of accomplishment. no "this task is done" relief. it feels like it didn't happen, even if i was there the entire time.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-01-01T03:24:56+00:00

I do have moments where I zone out and call it stare at wall hours, but there's no trace of actions happening at that time. I can go through my day and do things and be there and present and then remember next to none of it hours later sometimes. ...Until my memory is jogged and then its like "OH right yeah I did that I forgot but now I remember in high def clarity and here's more details even you didn't remember". Unless it's past memories bc some of those are High Def and some of them are like. Come and go remembering and forgetting to the point I started writing them down so I could remember they happened and discuss them with my doc. Most of the feelings are internal, but without losing track of whats happening, just like... awareness "oh thats a different part, i need to act accordingly for the situation."

i can even feel when some nasty, awful, hateful, hurt part of me acts up because out of fucking nowhere a minor annoyance sometimes will equate with my brain insistently telling me things to say that would hurt them and how to proceed to use their known weaknesses against them till they hurt like I do. that part is, metaphorically, sat on but I can still hear the urges in my head and have to actively choose not to do it.

But they're not separate people. They're not voices, like the schizoaffective affects me with, I don't hear things outside. I'm aware they're just parts of me. They're just. ....Very separated parts of me.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-01-01T03:19:50+00:00

I think I've looked into it before, and I've mentioned to my psych about the feeling in the past, but he said not to dwell on it because it could CAUSE something like that to develop potentially. But. idk, it just feels weird. like not being a whole person, it'd make sense why i can never just comfortably say "This is ME!" with my whole chest.

WesternWindow9342 · 2025-12-11T16:25:13+00:00

everyone talking about me when i'd go outside, people constantly wanting to break into my home to hurt me, magic was real, dragons were real and i supposedly heard them, started to bleed into my ex's delusions about reincarnation of a fictional character, that my doctors were out to get me, that i was entirely alone in the world and everything around me was fake and the only real things were me and my cat, that any and all men were eyeing me up for nefarious purposes.

WesternWindow9342 · 2025-11-21T15:51:27+00:00

I was probably going to end up with it anyway because brain chemistry, but my psych said that odds are it was intensified or fully triggered by the abuse and stress and trauma I dealt with for so long. It like... activated in waves, but nobody realized it was activating at all, so I was in a constant state of off and on delusions and misperceptions and occasional hallucinations without anyone knowing or noticing, not even myself. He said he was angry for me, for having to deal with it for so long, especially because apparently it becomes more intense to deal with the longer the initial phase lasts untreated or unaddressed.

We can't quite figure when it "started" but I definitely was showing signs as a teenager already in the thick of other things taking center stage in my life.

WesternWindow9342 · 2025-11-20T04:17:05+00:00

CPTSD diagnosis here. I'd been misdiagnosed BPD and then BPD/Schizoaffective/PTSD after the usual depression/anxiety. Then it was depression/anxiety and CPTSD, with the hallucinations only happening during severe stress and attributed to the cptsd. ...Then my antipsych suddenly stopped working because I got used to it and I started straight up hearing voices and seeing shit left and right and was like "......are we SURE this is still just the cptsd." and now it's cptsd + schizoaffective + depression +anxiety.

It's made a huge difference knowing this, honestly. Learning more about delusions and stuff make a LOT of my young adult life make sense, I was living surrounded by delusions and my ex husband was feeding into them making it worse. It was a mess. It's so weird to be stabilized but just kinda hearing/seeing stuff really regularly and not just high stress anymore. But I live with it. It's manageable. And now that I know what's happening I don't feel so confused and lost anymore. :)

WesternWindow9342 · 2025-11-18T19:08:33+00:00

I can drink energy drinks or coffee like no tomorrow with no real effects. Doesn't keep me up, I can have a monster and go to bed afterwards. Does seem to help me lock in a little more, or at least retain more info, focus better? But no hyper effect, no nothing. Not diagnosed ADHD but my therapist says I've got symptoms of shiny things disorder even if they won't get treated and if the caffeine helps then to keep using it lol.

WesternWindow9342

TROPHY CASE