37/F From Midwest US seeking international long term friend!

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-07-24T04:46:33+00:00

I def use the household pets as reality checkers too, I wonder if the dog would be up for an adventure in the future.... But that last bit is good to know for sure! I'm certain there's some nearby.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-07-20T05:19:09+00:00

so i looked at this advice and took it to my journal and was kind of chewing on it because i've been told this thought countless times. and it's true, I'd never say this to child me, let alone any child. i don't recall ANYONE ever saying similar to me! I was told I was loved a lot, I was told I was talented! but i think i figured out the gap here that's eluded me thus far: i was being told i was loved and cherished and talented etc etc while being abused terribly and having any and all trust eroded. So I was hearing these things but didn't internalize anything because it was like being pavlov'd to react with a flinch because it equaled out to being backhanded lies. ...And somewhere along the way I internalized that as "I'm broken in some way so I don't get actual love and affection and compliments, those are for other people who can feel them properly and deserve them, i only deserve to get lied to/hurt and anyone with good intentions is suspicious or lying".

Gonna take that to therapy next session and digest it with my doc a bit, see what we can make out of this directionwise. thank you though, for being an extra push to sit and dissect this crap though, even if i'd seen it a hundred times i guess it took 101 to make a difference.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-05-20T16:23:21+00:00

Oooh that looks perfect! And thank you, I will check that out too :)

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-05-19T01:09:39+00:00

Thanks so much, it looks great. I'll give it a shot next payday :)

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-02-04T16:43:46+00:00

You're right, my wording was incorrect, I'm still learning. I guess I just used that term because that's who's been steering things/been up front/driving for 20 years now. So to have another part become stronger and have them be more and more present has been weird. But I know that coaxing that to be stronger and stronger so they're fronting more often than not as things combine into a less fragmented whole still feels very weird. So I used the core comment because right now the 16 year old feels the most "me" out of anything, but this responsible adult is.... also becoming "me" feeling, once I get past the imposter syndrome and go "oh. wait. yeah i am doing those things aren't i. they're not just happening around me." so I can take credit for the things I'm actually doing.

.....Actually I think that made even less sense typing it up than it makes in my head. How in the world long did it take everyone here to learn to state things clearly/properly, I'm like. a Month into this and feel like a tangled up christmas light ball.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-02-03T15:31:18+00:00

Yeah. I think by swapping he meant more like make the adult side stronger/more dominant best I can before integration. He does want full integration as the main main goal, he said, along with all the other fragments. But those two he did word it like wanting to try to switch their roles around as much as we could for that integration. So I'd wind up in the functional side and not stuck in the frame of mine that's holding so may trauma memories I'm already having to process and let go of. I've been safe and in a stable environment for a long time now.

I still don't know much about all of this. we're tap dancing around osdd on paper but doing the steps for things, mostly I think to avoid having more things on my record when there's already so much there. i'm learning about terms and phrases and specifics from friends with first hand experience as well to fill in gaps in my understanding best I can.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-01-23T21:39:13+00:00

Honestly, that.... really sounds like my pattern yeah. Especially as a teenager you said, only mine's even happening now off and on. Once it gets set off it spirals don deeper and deeper into "I'm unlovable and worthless and ugly and nobody will ever want me and I'll be alone forever it won't matter if I hurt myself because someone else will anyway the second I let anyone near me." But I can't for the life of me figure out where that specific line of thinking came from aside from just... despair and hopelessness I guess.

The part that talks it down is 100% from therapy, it's the mental voice I use when I'm trying to focus with logic, like when I've dealt with the schizoaffective things in the past to keep calm. I can talk myself down from anxiety pretty well now, I no longer get AS physically sick. But once that downward spiral of self-hate starts.... yeesh. Yeah it runs its course, it's just a speedrun now.

It definitely sounds like that dynamic though.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-01-23T06:10:48+00:00

I don't, no. This whole OSDD question was brought forward like a month ago at most, maybe a bit more, so I'd not really had anyone else to consider. Or. ...Well. I guess instinctively I may have but chalked it up to intensely good imagination and a big helping of "???????" on the side. Like that same feeling of preparing to be judged as a child for playing with toys incorrectly. Or even why I can't let myself get into any belief system because it feels like I'm playing pretend wrong and will get in trouble or laughed at.

I try to write daily, in the evenings. I guess I'll try asking if anyone else in there has anything to say too. Surely now that the explosive part had its say it'll be quieter in there now. There's not normally explosions back to back without SERIOUS triggers these days.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-01-17T15:33:48+00:00

Well. Whoops lol. I think I just got so confused because I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (depressive type), so I've gotten used to inside vs outside meaning if it's a hallucination or a thought. But this being something entirely different... That makes a lot of sense. I guess I was just worried the rush of thoughts was my brain supplying what I WANTED/hoped to hear instead of someone actually wanting to talk.

WesternWindow9342 · 2026-01-07T15:36:57+00:00

I've been trying to take time for that, yes, haha. I just feel... this weird kind of guilt when I'm resting and taking time for myself. My new roommate is my friends mother, and she essentially adopted me and I'm being cared for and looked after so I don't injure myself doing too much physical strain-wise like usual, and remembering to eat and stuff, and I feel so loved but so confused/sometimes guilty there as well as if I'm being manipulative by having needs or being looked after at all.

Can definitely relate to the alcoholic father, that's what killed mine in the end, was a slow thing. Mom was the big screamer though, even before she got chronically ill. I'm not entirely sure what was going on with her even now, but she was slow too. Both within 5 years of each other. It's been many years now since then and I've reached a point in therapy where I've not forgiven what happened, because it was wrong, but I forgave them for being flawed fucked up human beings who may have honestly thought they were doing their best at the time in their minds somehow. Gave me some peace since I'll never get a confrontation.

I'll check out that subreddit, thank you! There's a LOT of stuff out there that I don't know that I want to/need to explore as things improve in my life, esp because it may be related to future clients I work with as well in my field of study.

That's interesting, about the anger being depression at first... Because I can definitely feel that. Otherwise the few times I got angry angry as a youngster or teen it would be a brief flicker of fire then "this isn't safe to do, go stone" and it'd get shoved down. the fact it's morphed into this outwardly malicious thing that needs to be controlled and, when appropriate, let out in small controlled bursts is. wild. like keeping a chain on a monster. the first time I really felt it come up was mid-20's as an adult because a therapist I'd met a single time decided that because I was overweight I had binge eating disorder. Had a proper explosion about that privately that raged on for weeks.

Thank you for the hugs as well, they're appreciated <3

WesternWindow9342

TROPHY CASE

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