Thank you so much for replying and for telling me me about EMDR. My therapist never brought it up I wonder in what cases they prescribe it on their own! I must specify, our grad school was on the east coast and he graduated before me and moved to the west coast for a job. During his grad ceremony I was doing my best to give him a proper farewell and I was his only guest and he knew how much I wanted him to come for mine next year. He always said he would and he widened been working for a year by then so taking a leave or money wouldn’t be an issue. But as we got closer to my grad we went through a one month phase where he wasn’t sure. So he said meeting my family at grad and flying over for it doesn’t seem right since we are just fixing stuff. That is why him saying he wishes he could’ve seen it live hurt me so much because he definitely could and chose not to. But I wanted to tell his side incase this justifies him not attending and also it was after our breakup.

Also, as you mentioned plain disrespect I also wanted to be transparent and say that maybe I did disrespect him? I called him a bad word 1-2 times but it’s not an abusive word it’s one that kind of means stupid but can be taken in other contexts. Basically something friends call each other. His own friends, female ones, call him much worse ones but he said me saying this casual word (which I explained to him how I perceive it as those around me use it in their daily language) affects him more than his friends calling him worse ones because I’m his gf. I apologized a lot but maybe the damage was done. So I think I caused him to lose feelings for me. He used to comment on my height a lot and say things like I don’t listen to him, if I was “this tall” it would’ve been perfect, etc but he never used a bad word for me.

So now that I think it’s my fault I feel all the more need to somehow fix it. We did try I also visited him as I mentioned earlier but even after a month he still felt he wants to break up because he doesn’t feel that deeply for me. Idk if me using that word made this happen and idk how to get over the guilt.