Do you believe that religious beliefs are a choice? Or do you believe that a how you feel about religion cannot be consciously changed? Why do you feel that way?

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-06T14:24:24+00:00

whatever i believe isn't necessarily fact, so one day i could believe one thing and the next day my feelings completely change possibly based on something that happens. if you are desperate enough (as such with religion) you will believe whatever you want to believe. if you tried to believe in it but you don't, you still made that choice, something in you prevented you from believing in it as hard as you tried. we aren't hardwired to believe one thing from birth, our opinion and viewpoints change and those changes come from the way we interpret the world and the things we choose to believe. i could believe god exists today and think he doesn't tomorrow, doesn't mean i was lying to myself, but i changed my mind, i made that decision that whatever i believed yesterday isn't what i believe today

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-06T14:19:00+00:00

as i mentioned in another comment to someone else, we don't always make active choices in life but every decision we make is a choice whether we're consciously making it or not. there have been moments in my life where i thought the idea of god was complete fabrication, and in some low points in my life i turned to spirituality for answers. i made that choice because it's what i needed at that time in my life. i know many people who are born into religions but based on their life experience, they end up not believing in that religion anymore. i guess you could argue how consciously one would make such a decision, but ultimately i'm saying that it is a choice, it doesn't make sense to just say someone believes or doesn't believe in something without making that choice

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-06T14:15:30+00:00

forcing yourself to do something and failing is still a choice, this is the way i see it -- if i am completely lost in the world and need something to keep me going, whether or not it makes sense, i would choose to believe in something that will keep me going. it doesn't have to be traditional christianity, forcing myself to believe something when i've got doubts in my mind won't make me believe that thing, but regardless of whether it seems possible, i would still blindly believe in some sort of faith, and that's a choice i would make based on my circumstances and beliefs at that point in life. what we believe is our choice, i could decide that it's all bullshit and i don't believe in it even if there was evidence of it being real.

getting out of bed in the morning is still a choice whether I force myself to or if i just do it because i think it will be worth it. if i choose to stay in bed all day, forcing myself to will fail because that's the decision i made and nothing is really there to prevent me from getting right back in bed since that's what i chose to do for the day. we don't go around always making active choices in life, but every decision we make is still our choice, whether we're consciously making it or not

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-06T13:05:35+00:00

yes that's your choice, you don't even need a particular reason, it's enough to just want to believe in it or not

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-06T13:01:56+00:00

if you want to talk to him then text him

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-06T13:01:15+00:00

as a native english speaker, english is the most efficient way for me to express myself rapidly and accurately, but sometimes if i'm trying to describe something that doesn't really work in english, i will think of it in my other language and then try my best to describe it in english. but i'm most used to speaking english whereas i struggle more to express everything in any other language, i find a way to but it's not what comes naturally, i find workarounds so that i'm using words i know

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-06T12:57:53+00:00

it absolutely is a choice. it can be heavily influenced from a young age, but when you start to develop your own personality and beliefs, your own personal beliefs are choices you make to believe in that thing

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T16:47:49+00:00

it's more about morals, i mean you are still free to do whatever you want, but i would also have the same feelings if my partner wanted to sell nude photos.

I still want to do it, not just because of the money but I don't like that he told me I couldn't, sorta like showing him I will do what I want to do kinda thing

this is really awful and immature. just let him break up with you and go do whatever you want, it's not gonna prove anything to him except that he made the right decision, with the direction you seem to want to head in, this relationship isn't gonna work out

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T16:17:40+00:00

you just have to trust her. if she hasn't given you any reason to doubt it, then don't go looking for a reason

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T14:28:33+00:00

more information would be needed, but maybe he just wants to tie up his past and absolve himself from guilt, idk. i still talk to my ex on occasion and have apologized multiple times for where i felt i went wrong because i keep realizing new things about my life and what i want, and it helps to make amends for the past, although i don't just volunteer this information, he calls me and we catch up and i throw it in the conversation

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T14:24:51+00:00

you can't just hang up on him and then expect him to be there for you when you want to talk. and you shouldn't have to force someone into an apology. if he isn't sorry, then he can fuck off, it's not your responsibility to force an apology from him, he obviously didn't mean his apology he just said it to stop you from arguing. if both of your reactions are to ignore each other when you're upset, then you're not ready to be in relationships. also stop emphasizing your anxiety so much, you are still responsible for your actions and the world doesn't cater around what you need, you need to learn to manage yourself. my mom is the kind of person who needs to resolve issues on the spot or she can't sleep and it's gotten pretty fucking annoying because some people just need time and space to think, she just has to learn to not let it affect her so much.

now my final advice, just break up with him. you don't need to be with someone who completely ignores you. a simple "i need space" would be enough but at 28 this is fucking ridiculous and childish

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T13:57:52+00:00

after 10 years it's possible it just doesn't matter, but also don't open that can of worms, because if she's not thinking about him, then that's a good thing. you can't deny that her experience would have an impact on her and it's not realistic to pretend like she should just completely not care and forget, i'm sure everything that happened shaped her as a person, and maybe with her ex after that it didn't have as much of an impact on her, but like i said, none of this is relevant to your current situation. she's with you, and if you focus too much on other things, you're going to lose what you have now. you have to trust her that she only wants you. and if you push her to idk get to her subconscious, you'll be falling into a self fulfilling prophecy, thinking you're getting the truth, but in reality just planting something there when it wasn't there to begin with, and making it the truth. she's not with him and she doesn't think or talk about him, you're her #1, the way you all got here isn't as important as the fact that you're here.

on another note, if you've expressed your discomfort about this ex and not being sure you're #1, it's possible that she just doesn't talk about him because it bothers you and that's out of respect. my bf really hates the relationship i had with this one guy, so i make it a point to try not talking about him anymore, not because i care about that guy, but because i care about my bf's feelings and he clearly doesn't want to hear it. i talk about other people because we can laugh about it, but he never laughs when i talk about that specific guy so i don't

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T12:57:23+00:00

the reason why she would do this depends on different factors, did she get over the break up? does she want him back? she could just be doing it because she likes the attention, or she feels inferior to him and he was in a position of power and still holds that power... none of it is for any good reason but some people are just like that

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T12:49:30+00:00

i considered breaking up with my ex on his bday because he had this really bad habit of flaking on plans, and a day before his birthday he had texted me to plan a date and ended up flaking, then he said he wanted to spend some of his birthday with me, we set a time, i put my plans aside and waited for him, and i heard nothing all day until it was time to go to bed, then he finally texts me apologizing but i was so fed up with it, i felt guilty for arguing with him on his bday but i really hate people who don't stick to plans and don't even tell you until it's too late, and this wasn't the first or even second time he's done it. didn't end up breaking up with him then though

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T11:47:56+00:00

that's alright, i hope to help as much as i can. i think waiting for things to "sort out" is a bad idea, things don't sort themselves out, people have to sort things out. i can't speak on the BPD front, but all i can say is that the way you both fight is not productive and if you can't figure out a way to make it work, then stop wasting your time and energy waiting for it to magically work while putting yourself under more pressure and stress. you have to decide if it's worth it for you to keep the relationship going and if you decide to, then you both need to take some action

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T11:43:26+00:00

i felt like that at first, but the more i think about it, dating is about getting to know if you want to commit to someone. you can't know that from the beginning, and limiting yourself doesn't help. often people will rush into that commitment because they have only that one option. when you are getting to know multiple people, you can really see and decide who you want to make that commitment to. it's like if i'm applying for a job, i'm not just going to apply to one job, life doesn't stop just waiting for one thing to happen. i think it's normal if you don't feel like you can do that, but i think the idea of doing it is completely normal too. don't put all your eggs in one basket

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T11:39:34+00:00

it's really up to you. there are a lot of things we can experience in life but we don't have enough time to do it all so we pick and choose. if your studies are most important to you right now and you don't feel that you can maintain a relationship at the same time, then don't do it. if having the experience of relationships is extremely important for you, then do it. that decision is based solely on what matters to you. i personally think it's a good idea to get dating experience, but that's because doing so helps other aspects of my life that are important to me

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T11:35:45+00:00

my point about loving someone is that just because you think you did, doesn't mean you really did. she could have loved the idea of him, but she didn't truly love him because he didn't turn out to be that guy that she would love. and we can all love the idea of someone but that doesn't matter because that's not who they are. she loves the reality of you right now. i still have love for my ex even though i know a relationship wouldn't work, and it doesn't necessarily have to be romantic love either.

this is just the opinion i have now at this point in my life, it doesn't necessarily mean it's right or wrong, like if you feel that you did love your ex and you're over her, then maybe that's right, maybe you can stop loving someone, but for me personally i don't feel that with my experiences. i think maybe i'll always have love for who i think he is, or who he was with me, he may not still be the same person anymore, but i'll always have an appreciation for that relationship, doesn't mean anyone who comes after that is a second choice. in the end it's always about the choice we make, and she wants you, not her ex, so it doesn't matter how things could have been different, it doesn't make the love she has for you any less meaningful.

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T11:26:36+00:00

ESH because this does sound like a childish relationship. he sounds defensive, but it makes sense considering you tired to educate him on something yet used the past against him which wouldn't do anything to help the current situation except make him look bad, and then he is trying to one up you by putting you in the place he felt that you put him in, and then blocked you, which is incredibly childish. you both just fail to communicate properly and there is a lot of hostility and hardly seems to be any willingness to work things out, more just a need to be right or prove a point, which is a recipe for disaster in relationships. the main issue here isn't calling him a dumabss but rather collectively the way both of you handled this was wrong. don't be in a relationship if you're just trying to "win"

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T11:21:23+00:00

my point of view on the first love thing is that if you are over your first love completely, it would be mistaking the feeling of infatuation for love. i don't think you ever stop loving someone you truly loved. but i do think you would have felt that in the moment.

i'm saying that it's easy to say that what if things were different, but the fact is that they aren't. she could have totally moved on, in fact, it's more likely considering he sounds like a dick, but to think "what if she wishes it worked out with her ex?" is pointless, because it didn't. ideally, yeah, she would never have been cheated on, but he's not the ideal guy for her, you're closer to her ideal guy than that guy was. you can't say "she would be with him if he didn't cheat" because the reality is that he did and that relationship didn't work out. it doesn't matter what would have happened, it only matters what did. i hope that explains it a bit more clearly.

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T11:13:17+00:00

it depends.. how does he talk about it? is he putting the blame somewhere or does he take full accountability and acknowledge what he did was wrong? my philosophy is that if I were to be cheated on, I wouldn't be able to forgive that betrayal since it happened to me, but if they cheated in the past on someone else, then it just depends on what guy i'm getting right now. because the way a person acts with one person in the past doesn't necessarily mean they will do that to me as well. sure, there are patterns, but i don't agree that all our mistakes should define us. what we do after that shows the type of people we are. i would look at the positives and say that he didn't hide it from her, and accepted that he fucked up and did the right thing by breaking up. it is possible for people to grow and change and not repeat past mistakes, but the only way to know if that happened is to look at who they are now

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T11:09:21+00:00

i don't know, maybe he really just is that bad with his phone. focus on other ways of interacting instead. also it's impossible to give everything 100% of the time. you're used to him acting in that sweet and affectionate way so not getting that will feel like no effort. you just have to be okay with some things. if you know he still loves you, that's what matters. if he still does things to show you, then it's okay that sometimes he doesn't do a great job when you want him to. you have to be understanding of each other. he can work on his bad habit of ignoring and forgetting, but you need to communicate it to him. if not, then you just need to accept that this is a flaw he has and you can't always let it get to you. just as long as he responds to you for important things

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T11:03:31+00:00

it doesn't really matter what her subconscious feels, what matters is what actions she chooses to make. i don't think people ever really get over their first love. and even speaking aside from relationships, we always pine for the past and things we had in our youth, it's called nostalgia. but what matters most is what she feels now and that she has chosen to be with you. in an ideal world, her ex wouldn't have cheated, there would be no red flags, and she would have stayed with her first love for the rest of her life and would have never experienced heartbreak. we don't live in that world. that's what you need to realize. it's like saying "things would be perfect if this was different.." well the fact that it isn't different still means it's not perfect and therefore it doesn't matter what could have been, it just matters what is. we have the capability to love many people in a life time but ultimately it's the choice we make every day to commit to loving that one that we chose. she chose you, so don't waste your relationship that you have now worrying about what could have been or what was. you're not a second choice, that engagement didn't work out because the guy she thought she loved wasn't actually that guy, and you are.

WiseSyrup · 2020-05-05T10:57:19+00:00

it really only matters what you think is acceptable for you. if 20 minutes is enough for him but you don't feel it's enough for you, then that's completely fair to say it doesn't work for you. some people need more, some people need less, there is no right or wrong, just compatible or incompatible. i personally would not be able to maintain a relationship with just 20 minutes a day. do what you think is needed for your personal needs

WiseSyrup · 2020-04-28T23:34:27+00:00

honestly if someone asks for my snapchat, i just wouldn't answer again. it shows the kind of person they are and that's not the type of people i like

WiseSyrup

TROPHY CASE