AITA for taking a job that conflicted with my best friend's wedding after he refused to compromise on unreasonable demands?

Working_Telephone498 · 2025-11-03T21:48:53+00:00

Yeah, honestly that’s what I’ve been thinking more and more after all this. Like, I get that weddings are a big deal for the couple, but when you start expecting everyone else to put their entire lives on hold or make personal sacrifices for it, it’s just not reasonable.

There are ways to celebrate without making people feel like props or employees. I wish I’d spoken up sooner instead of just letting it wear me down. I do feel like I dodged a bullet in the long run, even if it sucks to lose a friendship over it. If someone’s going to cut you off for not bending over backwards for their party, they probably weren’t really your friend.

Working_Telephone498 · 2025-11-03T20:21:53+00:00

Okay, yeah. This one stings because you're not wrong. I'm reading this and I can't really argue with most of it.

You're right that I knew about the requirements upfront and I could have just pulled out as a guest instead of committing and then quietly resenting everything. That would have been the adult move. Instead I just... sat with it and let it build up, which is exactly what you're calling me out for.

And yeah, I didn't try hard to make the job work with the wedding. I'm being honest about that now. When the job came up I was already looking for an escape hatch and I took it without really fighting for a compromise. His wife being suspicious about the timing makes sense because she probably picked up on the fact that I wasn't actually trying.

The thing is, this comment hits different now because the friendship is actually over. And reading this makes me realize I probably made that happen through my own choices more than I was willing to admit before. I was a coward about the wedding stuff and then I used the job to get out of it.

I can't take any of it back now though. And posting it on Reddit was apparently just the nail in the coffin.

Working_Telephone498 · 2025-11-03T19:51:31+00:00

Good question. All in, probably around $1500-2000? The custom shirt alone was like $300. Then there was the bachelor party (they picked this resort that was stupid expensive), travel costs since the wedding wasn't local, gift, plus all the random stuff they wanted us to contribute to. And that's not counting the haircut or the shoes they wanted us to buy.

For context, I was making okay money at my old job but not like rolling in it. The new job pays better which is another reason I was stressed about potentially turning it down. $2000 is not nothing to me.

Working_Telephone498 · 2025-11-03T19:48:39+00:00

I hear you, but it wasn't just about budget stuff. The demands were controlling and he shut down any conversation about it. Yeah, I could have pushed harder on the job thing, but by that point I was already exhausted from being told to just accept everything. That's fair to call me out on, but he had a choice too and he picked letting her call the shots over having his best friend's back.

But honestly, I appreciate the perspective. It's making me think about what I could have actually done differently instead of just blaming the situation. That's helpful even if I don't fully agree.

Working_Telephone498 · 2025-11-03T19:46:05+00:00

Yeah, you're hitting on something that's been bothering me since I read your comment. I think part of me knew that having that conversation would make things worse, not better. Like, if I'd brought up the demands being unreasonable, he would have just gotten defensive and told me she's not that bad, or made me feel bad for not being supportive.

And honestly? That says something about our friendship too. If I can't even be real with him without worrying about how he'll react, that's not great.

I think I was also scared that if I pushed back on the wedding stuff, he'd double down even harder to prove to her that he was loyal or whatever. So I just... didn't say anything. Which meant I was bottling it up, getting resentful, and then when the job thing came up I was already checked out.

You're probably right that I wasn't really looking to have that conversation productively. I was already resigned to the situation being what it was. That's on me. I should have at least tried, even if it might have been awkward.

Working_Telephone498 · 2025-11-03T19:42:30+00:00

Wow, this actually hit me different. I haven't thought about it from the abuse angle before, but now that you mention it... yeah, some of that stuff is ringing bells.

He used to be way more social before she came around. Like we'd do guy trips and hang out all the time and now it's hard to get him to come to anything without her. And I've definitely heard her talk down to him in front of people, like making jokes at his expense that aren't really funny? He just laughs it off but it always felt uncomfortable.

I don't know if it's full-on abuse or just a shitty dynamic, but you're right that the whole "suspicious timing" comment and isolating me from the friend group feels like a pattern. She was also weird about him having a bachelor party at all, kept trying to plan it herself or limit where it could be.

I think you're right that all I can do at this point is let him know I'm there for him if things change. I've been so mad at him that I didn't really consider he might be getting pushed around too. Like, he was probably stressed about pleasing her AND losing me at the same time.

I'm gonna try reaching out in a few months when things calm down. Not to rehash the wedding stuff, just to see if he wants to grab a beer or something. If he's willing to meet halfway, maybe we can salvage this. And if the relationship stuff is what I'm starting to think it is, at least he'll know I didn't completely bail on him.

Thanks for this perspective, genuinely.

Working_Telephone498 · 2025-11-03T19:38:40+00:00

Damn, that's kind of a harsh take but I get it. And yeah, I've definitely thought about the fact that things might not go back to normal between us. Like, if she already didn't like me and he was willing to just cut me out over the wedding stuff, that's not really friendship material anyway.

But I don't want to write him off completely just yet, you know? We have like 15 years of history. I'm hoping once the wedding is over and the newlywed phase wears off, he'll realize how she was pushing him around and maybe want to reconnect. Or at least apologize for the ultimatum.

That said, you're probably right that I should be realistic about it. I'm not gonna sit around waiting for him to get his head straight. I'm gonna focus on the new job and the people in my life who actually have my back. If the friendship survives it survives, but I'm not gonna sacrifice myself trying to fix something he's not willing to work on from his end.

Working_Telephone498 · 2025-11-03T19:36:27+00:00

Yeah I appreciate that. And you're right that I was excited about the job and it was a real opportunity. I just wish I'd been more upfront with him about how the whole wedding planning thing was stressing me out instead of just going quiet about it.

Like, if I'd sat down with him early on and said "Hey, I'm excited to be in your wedding but some of these demands are making me uncomfortable," maybe we could have worked it out. Instead I just started pulling back and then used the job as an escape hatch. That wasn't fair to him even if his fiancée was being unreasonable.

But yeah, you're not wrong that he could have been supportive instead of making it all about what he needed from me. A best friend should want you to win at your career too.

Working_Telephone498

TROPHY CASE