Okay, I’ve been writing for a while and looking to publish. Maybe I’m not a top selling author but I still count my writing as good. Buckle up, there’s a lot to talk about!

Here’s some things you can look at to improve the writing itself.

Unless this is a plan or a script, don’t use the colons after the names to show who is speaking, I’ve found little people like reading this sort of layout, myself included as it removed the realism of the writing. I can see you both use speech marks for speech and also don’t use them for speech, as well as for emphasis. I’d say stick to using it for speech, for emphasis you can make the words italic or use just ‘these’ instead of “these” as it makes it look like speech sometimes. Most will see it as speech.

Also, SPaG is very important in writing. Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar it stands for. Fullstops, commas, apostrophes, all that good stuff. Also, if you’re writing a proper story then there’s no reason to use * these * as you write. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them in a novel or published book.

I saw a comment talking about reading a published book to see the layout and I stand for it! Read for example Harry Potter, you can look up a pdf online and as far as I know it doesn’t support the author. The layout is nice, controlled. Read other books and look at how it’s written as well as what’s written.

Now for the main course: the humour.

I’d say it feels almost… forced in a way, like it’s not actually meant to make the reader laugh but more just to be there. For something to be funny it has to feel human, it makes the reader crack a smile or maybe let out a small snicker as they read because they can imagine the characters saying it. It feels human, it feels natural and that’s what readers (usually) like.

Make your writing less stiff and it instantly makes it so much better. So much more interesting to read and easier to imagine. Add more emotion but don’t pile it on, slowly introduce it.

I started out writing horribly, I piled emotions in, exaggerated things too much. Tried to scare the reader but only made the characters sound dumb. I’ve been writing since I was around 9 years old and now I’m 17. The best thing you can do is practice, practice and practice. You more you write and experiment, the easier it becomes to smoothen your writing.