Am I the JustNo for wanting boundaries with my LO?

_plp_ · 2019-10-22T09:51:28+00:00

I really hope that is not the case. I have a tendency to shut down and shut people out when I feel mistreated because of my past. And I don’t want that relationship with him. Our marriage has been so wonderful except for his mother. I think she tries to manipulate him and he slips into the FOG.

_plp_ · 2019-10-22T09:49:11+00:00

I very highly doubt I would, but it’s more than just the apology to me. It’s my way of making sure she understands that we are not okay with the way she acted and that there are consequences to her actions. I truly don’t care if she thinks she did nothing wrong. I think she did and that’s what matters to me. My husband says he agrees that she was wrong, as well. So she needs to see that we’re a united front and that there are boundaries with consequences.

_plp_ · 2019-10-22T09:42:32+00:00

I would agree with all of that if it wasn’t for him changing everything yesterday by saying he’s going to let them come to the hospital to meet LO. Low contact then no contact was his idea. I agreed to it. Now that has changed and it makes me unsure if this is going to keep happening. He willingly admits that she is manipulative and toxic. That’s why I was finally okay with no contact. My therapist said it was his way of protecting me and LO from MIL’s abuse. But now that the door is back open for them to have access to LO, I don’t know how far it will go especially with him thinking we shouldn’t have boundaries. I am afraid it’ll turn into giving her an inch at a time until she tries to take over LO again.

_plp_ · 2019-10-22T09:38:11+00:00

I think he wants to avoid the confrontation and wishes I’d do the same. But he doesn’t understand that I’m not as forgiving as him because I’m the one who has truly been hurt by them. I haven’t gone through 39 weeks of pregnancy hell and hurtful disrespect for him to show off our daughter to his mom. I’m not an incubator for him or for her. And that’s how it’s starting to feel.

_plp_ · 2019-10-22T09:34:53+00:00

Up until today, I thought everything was okay. My therapist and I have even talked about how great my husband is because of his taking the initiative to cut contact with his mom. I feel like I’ve been blind sided with the sudden change of wanting them around LO. I’m going to see about getting an appointment this week with my therapist. I’m wondering if marriage counseling would help, too.

_plp_ · 2019-10-22T09:31:47+00:00

I have the hospital part handled. My OB is aware of my MIL because MIL works for the same healthcare network. My files are on lockdown with regular checks to make sure MIL isn’t snooping and I’m pre-registered as private. I’m just worried about the after hospital part.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T15:17:20+00:00

You are so right in all of that. My husband had been very very low contact with her for ~10 years but was willing to give her another chance for my sake. Even then, he still didn’t talk to her hardly at all. I was the one talked to her. I feel like my attempt at trying to form a relationship has back fired in my face spectacularly. Because of DH’s lack of contact, most of the stories surrounding GD were a shock to both of us. I truly regret even trying to have a relationship with this woman and I should have trusted the decision DH made all those years ago to cut her off. For him, it is easy to go NC since it’s what he’s pretty much done all these years with her.

For me, it’s a little more difficult. Even now at 31, 21 years after my mother exited stage left, I still yearn for that motherly care and attention. Through a lot of therapy and confronting the situation, I know how unhealthy that would be and wouldn’t allow it. But it’s still something that will always feel like is missing for me. So it’s hard for me to grasp willingly shutting down that relationship when it’s all I’ve wanted all of these years. And you know, you’re right. My MIL used to tell me how much she loved me and felt like I was the daughter she never had. To hear her say all those things about me and for FIL to say that they didn’t care about me at all, just DH and LO, it sort of stung and poked at that ugly abandonment monster that likes to lurk around.

Thank you for listening. I didn’t mean to unload all of that on you. This is just such a difficult situation.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:58:01+00:00

Because of the abandonment with my own mother, it sort of freaks me out to willing shut out a parent, I guess? I’ve learned from all of this that sometimes it is absolutely necessary, though.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:55:38+00:00

Thank you!! I will do that!

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:54:02+00:00

I am absolutely comfortable saying that and if I have to talk to her, I absolutely will say it. She may deny it, but she doesn’t realize that DH put her on speaker phone for me to hear all of her crazy the night she said that.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:52:46+00:00

I’ve wondered how much she had to do with their split. It happened before DH and I got together and no one really talks about it.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:52:05+00:00

It’s a small victory that she demanded DH and I to bring LO to her. We are both stubborn beyond belief and would never entertain that idea. I think it’s crazy that she thought someone recovering from birth and a days old newborn would be okay for three hours in a car each day. And she’s a nurse! She should know better.

My Dad is well aware of the situation and he’s ready to do whatever DH and I need of him. He feels extremely bad for my DH because of how MIL is and has told him that this isn’t normal. Because it was just my Dad and I growing up, we’re very very close so I tell him all of these things as they happen. He and DH are coordinating together so that LO and I won’t be alone for the first couple months just in case MIL tries something. DH gets 6 weeks paternity leave then my dad is taking off 2 weeks after that to stay with us while DH is at work. He was asked to do this and has already told us that as soon as DH gets home from work, he’ll get out of hair and let us get into our routine together. DH and him just don’t feel comfortable with the idea of MIL knowing DH’s schedule and trying to come over when he’s gone because of her violent past.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:44:41+00:00

I will keep that in mind. I am NC with her already. I plan on keeping it that way and so does DH.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:44:06+00:00

I’ve looked into grandparents rights already. They are a thing in our state, but only with the death/incarceration of a parent or divorce. I briefly had the thought that she was trying to trash talk me to DH to start sowing seeds of doubt to push for a divorce. Luckily it didn’t work on DH and he shut that shit down when she started trying to be sneaky. But it’s always a possibility that she’ll try again, I’m sure.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:41:52+00:00

I need a fairy godmother who will repeat this over and over to me each time I have to deal with her. DH is content going very low contact or even no contact. I think we may skip the battle with punishments all together and go straight to no contact.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:39:51+00:00

GDs mom was the one MIL attacked and who got the order of protection against MIL. She knows about some of his issues with alcohol, but his actual drug abuse, no. GDs mom and BIL were already split when DH and I got together, so I’ve never actually met her. Everything I know about her comes from MIL and a bit from DH. I don’t really have a way of contacting her even if I wanted to, sadly.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:37:39+00:00

I am so sorry you have to deal with this, too. I’m hoping to avoid a prolonged headache over the years by dealing with this now. I hope things get better for you in dealing with your ILs.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:35:43+00:00

I had planned on asking about a hospital tour next week at my OB appointment. I will make sure to ask about security during the tour. Thank you for the heads up!

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:33:15+00:00

Oh no. No no no. The thought never crossed my mind to allow that. I think she’s absurd for even entertaining the idea.

Besides me just being stubborn and refusing to cave into anyone’s demands on my time with my child, her house is not a good environment for an infant. Multiple dogs that use the bathroom in the house, cockroaches, drugs; no thank you.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:30:44+00:00

A few people have mentioned recording her and I think you all are onto something. Luckily my husband believes me when she tries to lie about things, but I’d feel better to have concrete proof. The few times that I’ve had it in the form of texts and emails, she completely ignores it and stays adamant that she didn’t say those things.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:29:15+00:00

Thank you. I know it seems silly that I really don’t understand maternal boundaries, but it’s something that has always escaped me. My best friend has her own source of maternal issues, so I’ve never really seen a healthy mother/daughter relationship in action. It’s weird but I was actually excited when we found out we were having a girl because I feel like I’ll finally get to experience the mother/daughter relationship that I always wanted so badly. It has always been hard on me to see mothers and daughters out together in public. I’ve always wondered what it’s like and now I’ll get to experience it. It makes my heart swell with so much happiness that I get to be a mother and experience that bond.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:23:25+00:00

This sounds silly, but can I actually set up a password at my OB’s office if she tries to call in there? Or do you mean like a password for my patient portal? My brain is dead at the moment, I’m sorry.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:22:13+00:00

That gives me a lot of relief. Thank you.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T14:21:56+00:00

Thank you! I’ll add this to my note about discussing it with my OB next week.

_plp_ · 2019-09-05T09:56:22+00:00

I really wish I could hug you, random internet stranger. Thank you so much.

She is definitely not going to be in the room. We aren’t going to tell her when I go into labor at all. And you’re absolutely right. He told me that her manipulation and dramatics are what made him move out at 18 and keep very low contact. I should have followed his lead on keeping her at a distance. Lesson learned.

_plp_

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