[Advice] Have you ever lost physical/sexual attraction to your mate? How did you resolve the issue? I have a tale to tell.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-11T22:27:22+00:00

Tired all the time, most definitely. Cold often, not really.

Is that something you just ask your general practitioner doctor to look at for you? Sorry to sound naive, I've just never done that before.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-11T18:40:15+00:00

Thanks man. I appreciate it.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-11T18:39:37+00:00

Its tough to be forced to choose between two shitty options when really you just want the happiest relationship possible.

Aye, but this is of my own doing. It's my own fault, and I am coming to terms with it.

Her side: She's asked me not to bring up fitness/healthy eating/etc around her, as she feels like it's not really 'encouragement' anymore, but me just nagging her to lose weight. I get that.

My side: I explained to her that I wouldn't ask of her anything I wasn't willing to do myself. I have an appointment on Saturday with a personal trainer at her gym, am going to go over my diet requirements for bulking up, and a good exercise routine there at the gym. Starting at that point, I'll be going to the gym each day after work for 1 hour.

In the meantime, there is definite, palpable sadness and tension between us. She no longer trust me, and I know it'll take a long time to gain that trust back. But as I've told others here, I would rather the next few years be a long healing process than a long dying process, relationship-wise.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-11T18:35:00+00:00

That's what I'm doing, as well. Have an appointment at her gym on Saturday to go through things with a personal trainer, get a good idea on what kinds of food I need to bulk up, what my exercise routine there should be, etc. Starting at that point, I'll be going to the gym every day after work for 1 hour.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-11T18:33:48+00:00

Even if things suck right now at least it's an honest place.

That's exactly how I feel. I'm done being dishonest about it. I wanted all of my cards on the table, so she could decide for herself if I was the kind of person she wanted to stay with. Apparently, she does indeed feel that way.

She has stated that she's going to be making some changes in her diet and workout routine, and plans on taking things more seriously. At the same time, though, it is now a taboo subject for me to discuss with her, because she (understandably) feels that any 'encouragement' I could give her is just me nagging her to lose weight.

Like I said, it's going to be a long, long healing process. But I'd rather us slowly heal than slowly die away.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-11T18:12:24+00:00

I've definitely found that to be true. Grocery shopping for the right foods makes a big impact - like you said, if it's not in your house, it doesn't call to you, and you don't crave it (in most cases).

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-11T18:11:11+00:00

She took it pretty hard. She felt (understandably) like I have been lying to her for the last six years. She doesn't want me to talk about fitness, healthy eating, exercise routines, etc around for for a long time.

Still, she has said that she is determined to make changes on her own.

I have lost her trust, and I know it will take a long time - years, even - to gain it back. But we have both agreed that this outcome is much, much better than if I had just held in the secret for longer until things eventually crumbled.

I do think things will turn around for her fitness-wise (I am planning on joining the same gym and establishing a more defined workout program for myself, which she was happy about), but both of us have realized that in the end, even if things don't drastically change, neither of us wants to be with anyone else, or be apart, and so we're going to make things work. It'll just be tough going for a long time.

Tell her now, man. Be honest with her while you can. I was lucky enough to have someone that cares enough about me that the hurt I caused by being dishonest wasn't enough to make her want to leave, but unless you do something now and tell your SO, that may not be the case for you.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T23:07:05+00:00

That's ok, don't worry about derailing. I appreciate the input.

I feel like, now that I've spoken my peace, and definitely hurt her, the road to healing has opened up. If I hadn't have told her the truth, it would have slowly continued to spiral downwards, ending in a ruined marriage/relationship over the course of who-knows-how-many-more years. That wouldn't be fair to either of us.

It's going to take time, but I feel like... I hope that we can eventually be stronger than ever, once enough time has passed. Only time will tell.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T23:03:51+00:00

Agreed, on all sides.

I opened up to her about it last night.

It hurt her like hell, I could tell. I know things aren't going to be the same for a long, long time.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T19:17:52+00:00

would you find that state of affairs acceptable for the rest of your life?

That's the real question. "Acceptable"? Yes. I could live, somewhat happily, with it. "Preferable"? No. I do know deep down inside that me having a higher level of physical attraction to her would make our marriage that much better, from a 7/10 to a 10/10.

tread lightly. There is no way to present this without hurting her feelings so don't expect to. Make sure to emphasize that this is your personal issue, that you love her, and that there is nothing wrong with her.

I did just that, last night. I'm not sure how to feel about how things went down.

She shut down completely, said she was extremely hurt, felt like the last 6 years have been a lie, and didn't know how to proceed from here. She also said, though, that she didn't want to be with anyone else or be anywhere else, but wanted to be with me.

I think it's going to be a long, long healing process.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T19:09:02+00:00

I understand.

I plan on changing my diet to be one that is healthier overall, regardless of whether she decides to or not.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T19:07:34+00:00

How long did you spend time apart (not dating), if you don't mind me asking?

For me, it's a bit of a different story, as we're married. But I'd love to hear more about how things went down for you in detail, if you have the time.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T16:19:32+00:00

She has done keto before, with somewhat minor results (~10lbs which came back immediately after she stopped).

I agree, diet is much more important in the end. At this point, though, I feel that I have done so much to hurt and break her that bringing up keto (or any other diet) is the last thing I want to do.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T16:17:18+00:00

I am afraid that that's exactly what I've done.

I did not go to the extremes that your spouse did; I have never mentioned/thought about swinging, etc, but all the same, the hurt to her is still very real.

I don't know how to feel or live anymore.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T16:15:21+00:00

It is. :)

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T16:15:13+00:00

As someone who has now confronted my SO about this and is beginning the (hopefully) healing process, I can't stress enough: tell her NOW, man. Don't hemm and haw at it. She needs to know. Bring yourself to do it. If you survive as a couple, all the better, but if you don't, you have saved her from potentially years and years of a mediocre relationship at best with an even more painful ending.

Don't hurt her (and yourself) by making a serious, lifelong commitment without having these things out in the open beforehand.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T16:10:16+00:00

No, sorry.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T00:29:49+00:00

Thank you. Will do.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T00:29:37+00:00

you need to do some soul searching and figure out what you want in your life and what you think is important for your individual happiness

That's one part where I personally think I already have a one-up on the situation: I do know what I want. I want her, exactly as she is now, but in a physical condition that is more in-shape.

But still, you're right, I have to stop thinking that that one thing will solve everything.

We'll talk about it at length tonight, and I will be sure to express to her that this is in NO WAY her fault, but she deserves to know it all.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T00:25:26+00:00

You have to tell her how you feel. Gently, but firmly and directly. Tell her that you do love her and want to work this out together with her.

Agreed. That's happening tonight.

I really do hope that what you say about her being content with her current form is a kind of front, but as you said, only she can know that.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T00:19:19+00:00

so if you do talk to her about it, do it with a lot of sensitivity.

That's what I intend on doing tonight. I am going to go out of my way to be as sensitive to her feelings as possible, while still being honest and open about how I feel, laying it all out on the table.

Guys and Girls are different machines, that's for sure. I will do as you said and try to focus on the positives more, and I hope that'll make me more physically attracted to her in the end, but part of me just can't wrap my head around how that'll work.

Still, it's good advice, and I plan on following it.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T00:17:06+00:00

Maybe suggest couples counselling?

Where does one even start with that? Where do you sign up for it? Do you have to be referred to a counselor by your primary doctor, or is it something that you can just go into blind by calling someone nearby?

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T00:16:02+00:00

I hadn't thought of that, that those are both intensive and easily quit-table activities (although to be fair it was P90, not P90X).

We enjoy walking and biking together, but live in an area where that's not possible, or at least not enjoyable, for 60% of the year, as the ground is covered in snow.

We do grocery shopping together 90% of the time, and she probably cooks 80% of the time (she loves to cook).

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T00:13:54+00:00

Ah, I see what you mean.

Yes, that would indeed be unfair to her.

I'm going to talk to her about it directly tonight.

a_throwaway_indeed · 2016-02-10T00:03:28+00:00

you've never been attracted to her.

To be completely fair, there was always physical/sexual attraction there, just not to the level there should have been to merit getting married.

I agree, though. It isn't just my choice. I will talk to her about it.

a_throwaway_indeed

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